Chrisy

Into the Light

I have been going through a study with some friends by Beth Moore entitled, When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. She talks a lot about the idea of seduction – not just sexual, but seduction into sin – and the fact that as followers of Christ, we have to be on guard because Satan has a plan to make us fail and fall into sin so that we aren’t able to do the work that we were intended to do as the people of God.

Then this morning, I was reading this blog post by Anne Marie Miller, and the common thread from her post and this study that stuck out to me in a glaring ways is this:

Don’t hide. Bring everything into the light.

When we hide our hurts, our fears, our sins, or anything else, we are giving those things power over us. We are allowing the darkness to rule. We are allowing our souls to be eaten away by these things that we keep to ourselves.

But when we bring them out into the light, when we share our struggles with others, when we place those things that have been ruling our life at the foot of the cross, we remove their power over us and allow the power and light of Christ to permeate those dark areas and bring healing and wholeness.

Because here’s the thing, darkness cannot overpower light, but light always dispels the darkness.

Bringing everything into the light doesn’t make everything better immediately. Bringing everything into the light doesn’t erase the hurt and the pain. Bringing everything into the light doesn’t change the fact of sin.

Bringing everything into the light does make way for healing to take place. Bringing everything into the light does allow the work of grace to begin.

And that is what is needed more than anything.

If there are areas of your life that are living in darkness, I encourage you to bring them into the light of God’s love and grace. Talk to someone. Talk to God. Don’t let the darkness win.

Life in the light is so much better.

Eating is Different for Everyone

This is a post written by a good friend and “adopted” daughter of mine. You can read it and more on her blog. Here she shares some of her struggle with and freedom from an eating disorder. If you or someone you love struggles with an eating disorder, ask for help.

Have you ever found yourself staring in the mirror, thinking why me? Why am I the one who has big hips? Why am I the one that has this inconvenient zit on the tip on my nose on the day I have an important interview? Why am I the one who is the biggest out of all of my friends? Why can’t I be beautiful? Why can’t I be enough? If you are anything like me, you’ve been there. You know what it’s like to not feel skinny enough, pretty enough, or worthy enough to have any sort of value. I get it, I’ve been there, I understand. This week I have been compelled to speak and respond to the issue of eating disorders and the common misconceptions that are often made due to people’s lack of knowledge.

This week, February 23 through March 1, is NEDAweek. A week that has been set aside to dispel the misconceptions and myths about eating disorders and the connotations that come along with this mental health issue. This year, the theme is, “I Had No Idea.” This theme has been set in place to raise awareness about the effects that eating disorders have on people’s lives and the significant damage that could be done while someone is battling this disorder. A statistic from the NEDA website states that 30 million people will be impacted by an eating disorder at some point in their life. 30 million people. Your mom. Your friend. Your little brother. Your big sister. Your uncle. Your teacher. All of these people may be impacted by this harmful and life draining disorder. How will you respond? How will you handle it? Will you even know it’s slowly killing them?

As a college senior who is about to graduate, I have been wrestling with what to do with this pressing issue that God has placed on my heart to speak out about. While I am really good at speaking to people about things that I believe to be true or about opinions that I hold with high value, there is one thing that I have remained silent about for many years.

I have been on a journey for most of my life that has been filled with several highs, lows, twists, turns, times of celebration, times of mourning, moments where I am motivated to seek help, and times that I am committed to stay in my little rut because it’s the most comfortable place.

By now I am sure that you are assuming this is going to be another blog post that has a writer who is seeking your sympathy and in need of your pity; but it’s not. I have been participating in NEDAweek this week on Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr. I have used this week to reflect on the past, to explore the present, and to gain hope for the future. While I am still processing, learning, and accepting things in my own life, I have felt the need to speak truth and to bring a message of hope to those who are in the midst of struggle and in need of someone to say, “I get and I understand where you are coming from, but hold on, because it gets better.”

I invite you to walk along side of me as I tell you about my journey. I’ve come to realize that the more we speak what is true, the more we understand the process that is taking place within us.

With that I am going to share my story of redemption and hope; these two things that have gone hand in hand as I explore the freedom and peace that comes with recovery. Know that the picture of a person struggling with an eating disorder that is in your head is not always accurate. Skinny or large, boy or girl, young or old, all of these people are affected by this issue. It’s not limited to the skinny girl who is in her teens. Set all of your assumptions and stereotypes aside. Who knows, by letting go of those you may just save the life of someone crying out for help.

Growing up I was a bit of a girly girl. I loved princesses and all things pink. (Those of you who know me, some things never change). Glitter was a must, and frills and clicky shoes just like my mom’s were a necessity. I loved to dress up and spend hours singing into my hairbrush to the latest songs on the radio. I was a little girl who was in love with dressing up and performing. For the most part, that’s how I spent my early years. I never realized that I was different from everyone else, until my cousin took me shopping one afternoon and took me straight to the little boys’ section to buy jeans, because I wasn’t going to fit into the cute girly jeans with glitter and designs on the pockets.

I remember crying in the dressing room because I wanted to be skinnier and smaller, because I wasn’t going to agree to wear those ugly boy jeans to school. People would know, because all of the other little girls were wearing cute jeans. This is when I was sent down a path of struggle, disappointment, and silence.

At just the age of 8, I knew that I wasn’t skinny enough to fit into clothes like all the other girls; I knew that there was something wrong with me, and I didn’t understand what all that was. Why was I feeling so bad about not being skinny? I had heard in church time and time again that God makes all of us in our own unique way and we should be happy with that.

As time progressed, I started changing who I was by changing the type of clothing that I was wearing. Looking at it now it’s so silly, but then I didn’t have to worry about the size of my jeans and could wear bright-colored pants that didn’t have a number or a boy fit to them. I would wear athletic sweat pants to school everyday, and had every color of Adidas shoes to match the sporty brightly colored pants that I owned. (Some of us have more than one awkward phase, so if you’re like me and have more than one, I feel you there).

When I reached the end of my elementary years, my mom started having me go to Curves with her. I didn’t just hate it; I really, really, really hated it. I was forced to walk on a board and use equipment with women who were double my age. They would all praise me for working out at such a young age and would often make comments about how tight and muscular my calves were. They were supportive and encouraging and my mom just wanted me to get in the habit of working out, but I was so negative and unpleasant about the experience that it caused me to have a bitter taste in my mouth about exercising and all things weight related. I would go week after week for weigh in’s and watch my skinny mom drop the inches and pounds, as I stayed the same and gained weight, because they said muscle weighs more than fat. I wasn’t meeting the weight goals and the inches were staying on my hips and thighs. I didn’t get it. I was there often working out, against my will, and still no results.

I entered middle school, (look out, here comes another awkward phase) where I was in a new place with new peers and teachers. My tiny little class met up in middle school with several other elementary schools to make up one middle school. There were so many new opportunities and experiences to be had in this exciting and terrifying environment. There was basketball, volleyball, and cheerleading, scholar bowl and so many clubs.

When time came for cheerleading tryouts, I knew for certain that I wanted to be one. I loved to cheer and the idea of wearing an obnoxious bow all the time sounded so appealing to me. Well, I tried out and I didn’t make it. It was by far the most awful and embarrassing experience that had happened in my 12 years of life. I didn’t make the one thing that I really wanted. What was wrong with me?

Well, as every preteen girl does, I came up with a million different reasons as to why I didn’t make the team. The two that I really held on to were, one: that I am not skinny enough and two: that I am not pretty enough. All of the other girls who made the team were super skinny and beautiful. I had figured it out. I wasn’t like them and because of that I didn’t make the team of skinny and pretty girls.

My parents were so supportive and encouraging. Sending flowers to the house for me and letting me know that I would always be their cheerleader. While it was sweet and the flowers were beautiful, I was so upset that I didn’t make the team. In my best efforts to get over it, I decided that I would try out for basketball.

In the week that passed after cheerleading tryouts, I began to skip breakfast and lunch at school, but would eat dinner at home in the evenings. I don’t know about you, but running mountain sprints on an empty stomach was not one of the best choices that I have made in life. As we were doing drills and running a lot, I suddenly became really dizzy and sick to my stomach. I asked the coach if I could take a break. Of course, he said yes and I headed upstairs to my social studies teacher’s room. I was lying on the floor and telling her that I wasn’t feeling well. She made me get up and sit on the stool next to her. She handed me a bag of Teddy Grahams and told me I had 3 minutes to tell her what was going on.

In those three minutes, (which by the way, felt like hours) I remained silent and didn’t say a word. Finally after waiting for a while, I told her that I had been skipping meals and the expectations that were set for basketball tryouts weren’t fitting well with my eating habits. I begged her not to tell my parents and she finally agreed, only after I promised I would eat every meal.

As the weeks passed by, she would periodically come down into the lunch room and walk by, not saying a word, but making sure that I had a tray and that I was actually eating the food that was placed on it.

Looking back on that year, I am reminded of the constant struggle of wanting to please my teacher and desperately wanting to be skinny and pretty. It was a struggle that would follow me throughout the remaining days of seventh grade and into eighth grade, where things began to pick up and the habit would be formed.

There was this little part inside of me that wanted to stop this secret life that I was living, but another part of me loved the control and the thrill of hiding it from those who were closest to me.

I entered high school with this habitual behavior. I lived this life of devotion to the God of the universe and a worshipper of a disorder that was quickly taking over my life. From the outside, I looked like I had my life together. I had sensed a call the summer before my freshman year to enter into full-time ministry and was devoted to studying and learning about God and His will. I didn’t go to parties, I didn’t get in trouble, and I was certainly not struggling; true Christians don’t struggle.

Inside, I was literally hungry all the time, disappointed in my looks often, and engrossed in this idea of being perfect. I didn’t want people to see my struggle, because then maybe they would get the wrong idea of God and that’s the last thing that I wanted to do.

While daily it was a struggle, I had to keep up my image. I didn’t want people to catch on. I made sure not to change my eating habits around my family. I would still eat when my mom cooked and would often eat snacks to keep my cover, but would later feel so guilty.

I was in this sick cycle of perfection, lies and fakeness. I would strive daily to look a certain way. That messy bun on top of my head had to be perfect, or I would spend half the morning fixing it, and if my bow didn’t look right or the color was off, I would stress until I achieved what I was in need of.

These behaviors continued to happen and I began to get really good at hiding things and covering up when people started to catch on. It became a game, a thrill of sorts. This would continue and eventually lead me to my junior year of high school, where I yet again tried out for cheerleading.

This time, there is a better ending to the cheerleading tryout fiasco. I made the squad and was so excited. I was finally going to be a cheerleader and all of my work had finally paid off. This time, I had finally achieved my goal, and I thought that maybe this time I would fit in and everything would be great.

Wrong! All of the cheerleaders were skinny and flexible and had been together since seventh grade. As the season went on, I started being more focused on what I looked like and how I fit into the uniform than anything else. I was forgetting why I wanted to be a cheerleader. I was focusing on the looks and not the joy of cheering that I had fallen in love with.

Around the same time, I joined an ecumenical choir that was devoted to making Christ known and letting God’s truth reign in the lives of its members. I met some of the most incredible Jesus loving, truth-seeking, and humble people. Over the next two years, they would pour out wisdom and speak truth that caused me to think about my life and the need to let go.

I would continue to live this double life of perfection and brokenness. I would continue to do behaviors that were unhealthy all the while trying to live the perfect life. I finished high school still struggling, still broken, and still in need of help.

Coming to Greenville College was a step in the right direction. I was placed in the middle of a small town where I was forced to understand what it means to live in true community. It was a transforming experience that allowed me to grow in ways that I never thought possible.

I had friends, professors, and community members that showed me God’s love. While the concept of God’s love has been one that I have yet to fully understand, I am resting in the fact that these people were placed in my life to allow me to see truth.

They sat with me and held me as I cried, reminded me that eating is a good and healthy thing, and showed me grace and love on the days when I didn’t feel like getting better. While I still didn’t want the world to know, I began to open up to a select group of people who began to work with me and process this dark cycle of pain that I had been living in for so long.

I progressively got better. I began to see food as necessary and started to forget that eating was such a huge issue. I watched this redemption story take place right before my eyes and somewhere between 2010 and now, I had this transforming experience that has caused me to seek truth, understand true beauty, and to embrace the life and body that God has given me.

Today I stand before a life of opportunity and freedom. While I am nowhere near completely healed, I am slowly making my way to a spot of acceptance. I have allowed myself to be given grace on the days when I am too overwhelmed and don’t feel like doing ministry.

To the people in my life who have loved, supported, and have never given up on me, I owe you so much. You have allowed me to understand things in new ways and have explained the importance of honoring my body so that I can honor Christ in all that I do. Thank you. Thank you so much for being Christ to me and for loving me when I was the hardest to love. You have shown me what it means to sit in the trenches with people who are struggling. It brings tears to my eyes to know that you all are in the real world or soon to be, and you are changing lives daily.

While I am in a better place now than what I was 10 years ago, it is still a daily struggle to choose freedom. I have to remind myself on the daily that eating is a part of life and it’s okay. I have to remind myself that I am a woman of Valor and that I have worth, I matter, and someday I will be speaking truth to those who are in need of hope.

There are days where I don’t eat and I choose to sit in a rut and allow myself to dwell on the past. I sit and think about how much farther I have to go before I am truly free of this. But, then I am reminded of what I have come from. I’ve grown so much. I’ve learned what joy and hope and redemption and grace can do for one’s soul, and I am truly content with not being okay some days because that causes me to have to rely on my community.

So, I say to those of you who are in need of a message of hope, take time to seek out people and talk about what is going on in your life. It’s not okay to suffer in silence. While you may feel like the only one, 30 million people will be affected by an eating disorder in their lifetime. You’re not alone. You aren’t the only and there is hope in the grace and peace that only comes when we fully decide to allow Christ to transform our lives.

It’s okay not to be perfect. It’s okay to need to rely on community. It’s okay my friend. It’s okay. Don’t dwell in the past, but instead dwell in the present. Get help, ask for guidance, and seek truth.

In honor of NEDAWeek, I hope that you all take time to pray for those who are stuck in this vicious cycle. It’s something that is often not talked about and there is a real need for honesty and surrender. If this is you, ask someone to pray for you and seek out someone who has gone through this before.

You are loved, you are valued, and you are cared for by this community. While these words have become my benediction for Vespers, I pray that this week and throughout the rest of your lives, you will see that you are loved, you are valued, and you are cared for by your community. God allows us to experience community to grow and learn with each other.

My faith has been rocked by the soul fact that when I come to the scriptures, I am reading it through the lenses of a girl who has struggled and is in need of this God who is far greater than any eating disorder. I’ve brought my struggles before the Lord and have asked him to place people in my path that will help me grow and learn, so that I can do the same in return. When we see how God shines His light on this topic, we begin to understand the true redemption story. Christ came into this world, so that we may have freedom. Freedom from sin and bondage. If you don’t understand what that means, I encourage you to ask someone. There is something so beautiful about honesty and

Vulnerability.

Let this not be a conversation that lasts 10 minutes, let it spark a talk that leads people to truth and freedom and ultimately Christ, because in the end, He makes all things beautiful in due time.

How Long Are You Willing to Wait?

(An excerpt from a recent sermon I gave.)

I will probably get in trouble for this, but I read a quote on Pinterest recently that said, “Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.” Now, I am not saying that my husband is anything but prompt when I ask him to fix something around the house, but watch out for the one switch in the downstairs bathroom that turns on the very loud and needing to be replaced exhaust fan. But it hasn’t been six months yet, so I don’t need to remind him.

In all seriousness, waiting is not a strong point for any of us, and some of us are a little worse at it than others, especially when we are waiting for God to work in a particular area of our lives that we want to see changed.

And yet, much of our lives are spent waiting. And much of what I see in scripture is people waiting.

Many Psalms speak to this idea of waiting.

Psalm 25:5 Lead me in your truth, and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all day long.
Psalm 25:21 May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you.
Psalm 27:14 Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
Psalm 31:24 Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord.
Psalm 33:20 Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and shield.
Psalm 37:7 Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him; do not fret over those who prosper in their way, over those who carry out evil devices.
Psalm 37:9 For the wicked shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.
Psalm 37:34 Wait for the Lord, and keep to his way, and he will exalt you to inherit the land; you will look on the destruction of the wicked.
Psalm 38:15 But it is for you, O Lord, that I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer.
Psalm 39:7 “And now, O Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in you.
Psalm 40:1 I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry.
Psalm 62:1 For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.
Psalm 62:5 For God alone my soul waits in silence, for my hope is from him.
Psalm 69:3 I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God.
Psalm 130:5-6 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning, more than those who watch for the morning.

Why we have to wait may be due to a number of reasons:

We may have something that we need to learn – trust, patience, to see with God’s eyes, to hear His will above our own, to come to the end of us and lean fully on Him, to be fully committed to His work, or a variety of other things. I liken this to making bread. We wait for bread to rise because the yeast has to do its work. If you mixed up bread and didn’t wait for the yeast to rise, the bread would fail and wouldn’t be suitable for the purpose that it was intended – eating. But when you wait for the yeast to do its work, and wait for the heat of the oven to complete the work, the end result is delicious, warm, soft, bread that is ready to eat. We are like bread; we need the time for God to be working in our lives, like yeast, filling us up with Him. We need the heat of struggle to grow and become the people who He has created us to be. And at the right time, which is determined by God, we will be ready for what the Lord has called us to or promised us that He would accomplish in our lives.
We may have stepped outside of His will and that means waiting a bit longer to get to the finish line – kind of like the Israelites. When they built the golden calf and began worshipping created things rather than the creator, they brought upon themselves a period of waiting that wasn’t in God’s perfect plan for them. An entire generation missed out on the promise of God because of their sin.
God may want to make sure that He is glorified and there is no way to explain the fulfillment except that it was God. The perfect example of this is Isaac being born to an old man and a barren woman. This would also be true of the Israelites Exodus from Egypt. They couldn’t have escaped without the very powerful hand of God bringing them out of slavery and into freedom.
We may not be ready yet to hear/see/do what the Lord has for us and there needs to be more time for learning and listening. Let’s be honest, we don’t spend each day in expectation of seeing God’s hand at work in little ways, much less miraculous ways. And when we don’t live with that sense of expectation, we are likely to miss God’s handiwork. Often we need to cultivate an attitude of expectation so that we are ready to see and participate in His work.
One of the hardest reasons that we have for waiting is just our inability to understand God’s timing. In Isaiah 55:8-9, God says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Psalm 90:4 says, “For a thousand years in your sight are like yesterday when it is past, or like a watch in the night.” God’s timing doesn’t always make sense to us because it is not the same as our timing; it is on a different plane. God’s reasons for waiting involve a bigger picture that we are not able to see. We can’t assume we know what timing is best because we can’t know the whole story.
God may want to use us as examples to others who are waiting on Him.
Other people who are a key part of the fulfillment of His promises may not yet be ready.
Satan’s interference sometimes can cause an answer to be delayed, like in Daniel. God sent an answer right away, but it was delayed because it was blocked in the spiritual realm.

Nine years ago I felt the Lord call me to pastoral ministry. In the years since then, I have been waiting for Him to bring it to pass. One of the scriptures that He used early on for me was Luke 1:45, “Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished.” My job for the last nine years has been simply to believe and follow where the Lord leads. Not to push ahead. Not to make something happen. Simply to believe that He will bring His word about in my life and do the things that He leads me to do along the way. I have gotten frustrated at times. I haven’t liked how certain things have played out. But I have never doubted what I heard from the Lord nine years ago. And then two months ago He made a big move – and not one that I would have anticipated or chosen. The fulfillment isn’t complete, but it is coming. I don’t know how many more years I will be waiting, but I do know that God is faithful.

So what is the most important thing when it comes to waiting? I think that the most important thing is to remember that when God speaks it comes to pass. God’s promises never fail. Isaiah 55:10-11 says, “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there until they have watered the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and succeed in the thing for which I sent it.” Think about it, when God said, “Let there be light,” what happened? There was light. God’s word comes to pass! His word doesn’t return to Him empty or void. When he speaks it, it is finished, it is done. “You see the one who called us is faithful, and He will do whatever it takes to sanctify us to fulfill our callings…Remember, huge things are going on out there that we just don’t understand.” God is faithful.

I have a friend who has been struggling with an illness for nearly 20 months now. It is debilitating to the point that some days she just can’t get out of bed. She has had a vibrant ministry among children, and for the first 14 months of her illness, had to let go of almost all responsibility for that ministry. Early on, she knows she heard the Lord tell her that He was going to heal her, and yet, while she is slowly improving, it hasn’t been an instantaneous healing. But she also knows that God’s word does not return to Him void. When He speaks, it is done, even when we don’t see the immediate fulfillment. Does she have days where she struggles? Absolutely! But she hasn’t given up hope because our God is trustworthy and does not lie.

We must persevere in our times of waiting. We must not give up hope. We must not try to make it happen on our own or in our time. We must trust that the God who created us knows us best and will bring things about in His timing, and we must be willing to wait.

What are you waiting for today? A new job? A child to return to faith in Christ? A revival of the Lord’s people? A family situation to be resolved? A broken heart to be mended? A friendship to be restored? A marriage to be renewed? Healing in your body? A prayer from deep in your heart to be answered? Something else I haven’t mentioned? Have you been anxious, thinking the Lord needs to act a little faster, or differently? Have you been frustrated with the lack of movement? Have you been trying to push things along, thinking maybe God needs your help?

I don’t ask these questions to shame you or make you feel bad, but to help you seek the face of the One who can bring you to a place of trust in Him during your time of waiting.

Waiting is hard when we simply see it from our point of view. But when we change our perspective and see it as part of God’s larger plan, we can wait with joy, with patience and with anticipation of what the Lord is at work doing in the situation now to bring about His perfect will.

“May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.” I Thessalonians 5:23-24

It Takes Practice

Do you want to have good relationships with people?

Do you want to have people you can depend on?

Do you want to have a strong marriage?

Do you want to have children that come to you with their joys and sorrows?

I think that almost all of us would answer these questions with, “YES!”

And I think there is one key to having all of these things.

Practice.

You have to practice being a good friend to have good friends.

You have to be dependable if you want people to depend on.

You have to work at a strong marriage to have one.

You have to be available to your children for the little “silly” things if you want them to come to you with the big things.

I heard it said once that you don’t get the benefits of being close without the practice. And it is true. You don’t just suddenly have great friends you can call at a moment’s notice. You don’t just magically have an amazing marriage. It takes work. It takes practice. It takes going through the good, the bad, and the ugly with others to get to the good stuff.

You have to make time for your friends and family. You have to plan fun things to do. You have to be available to them if you want them to be available to you. You have to share your heart if you want them to share theirs.

Is it always easy? Is it always fun? No. But it is necessary.

How is your practice going?

It’s Cold!!

For anyone who doesn’t live in the Midwest, it is COLD here! We keep getting these big dips of arctic air that are making the temps frigid. These cold temps make it really hard to consistently exercise when the bulk of your exercise is typically done outside in the form of running and walking. I have spent some time walking on the treadmill and lifting weights at the Greenville College Sports Annex, but treadmills are not my favorite thing in the world. Not to mention, I still have to leave the house. In the cold. Not my idea of a good time, considering I really dislike being cold.

So the question is, what to do? I don’t want to not work out.

I have a whole stack of Bikini Body Mommy workouts and most can be done right in my bedroom.
I have yoga workout DVD’s that I love and can be done right in my bedroom.
I have stairs that I can walk or run up and down.
There are tons of body weight workouts on Pinterest to choose from.

See, there is no excuse for not continuing to work out because of the cold temperatures when there are so many things that can be done in the comfort and warmth of my own home.

So, for those of you struggling with the winter cold and working out, here are some very practical options that keep you inside where it is warm, but keep you off the couch and in shape!

Depression: Hiding in Plain Sight

(Today’s post is very personal. I have struggled with whether or not to post it, as it was originally written for an audience of people who I don’t know on another blog. But after sitting with it for some time, I am convinced that there are others out there who are in the midst of this struggle and need to hear that there is help and hope. Please feel free to forward this post to anyone you know who may be struggling with depression.)

Life is a collection of short stories all tied together in a long biography.

In my life, some of the short story titles might look like:

Three Sisters and their Lower Middle-Class Christian Upbringing
Living Life on My Terms
Infertility Woes and God’s Blessings
The Call to Pastor, Complete with Roadblocks
My Relationship with Food and Fitness

These are all good stories to tell, and there are more as well, but this is the story I need to tell today.

Depression: Hiding in Plain Sight

For years I noticed that by February, I was in trouble. Life was hard. I was tired. I was cranky. I could barely get out of bed, much less face life in the way I was used to – taking it by the horns and going hard.

There were other things; a huge slump after a big weekend with friends, getting quickly frustrated with something I shouldn’t be frustrated about at all, that pointed to the fact that something just wasn’t right.

I assumed I had some kind of Seasonal Affective Disorder, but really I just thought I needed to buck up and deal with life.

When I got pregnant with my son, it was a total shock. We had tried so hard to have our daughter, going through infertility tests and treatments, we assumed we couldn’t get pregnant on our own and would be a one child family. Not that we didn’t want another baby, but we had grown used to the idea of not having anymore. And the pregnancy, although healthy, wasn’t easy. He was huge and caused me all kinds of pain to just carry him. And then he was late. I was miserable. I just wanted him out.

Once he was born, the stress of working full-time, having a three-year-old, nursing a baby, and trying to keep order was significant. I remember just crying night after night while I fed him.

Fast-forward a few years. I was determined I was not going to be a mom who yelled. My mom could be a yeller at times and I didn’t want to do that. That would not be me.

One day I saw it. I was a yeller. It didn’t take much for me to lose it. You know how you aren’t supposed to cry over spilled milk? Well, I yelled over it and made my kids cry. It wasn’t all the time, but it was enough that I saw it and didn’t like it.

In the meantime, I was again struggling to get out of bed. I was always tired. I could lie down at any point and fall asleep.

I talked to my doctor. She asked if I thought I was depressed. I assured her I wasn’t, but in the back of my mind I wondered. We ran tests. Nothing showed up.

Time marched on.

I started exercising more regularly. I lost some weight. I ran my first half-marathon.

But nothing changed.

My husband bore the brunt of my frustration with life. I yelled at him. I fought with him. I tried to tell him all the things that he was doing wrong that were contributing to my meltdowns. And then I would cry for hours.

One day I even threw a good old-fashioned hissy fit at work in the presence of one of my co-workers because I was so upset about something that had happened. I jumped up and down in anger and frustration.

In the midst of a particularly bad day, I was sitting in my bathroom and noticed that I had some pain-killers and muscle relaxers sitting on my sink from a neck injury earlier in the year, and in that moment I thought, “I wonder how many it would take…” I wouldn’t finish the sentence. I knew I meant to finish it with “to end my life,” but I was sure I wasn’t suicidal.

That was enough to scare me and scare me good.

I told my husband what I had experienced. He told me that I hadn’t been the same since our son was born, eight years prior, and that every year it just got worse and worse.

I knew I needed to talk to someone, but I was so scared.

I am called to be a Pastor. I should have my stuff together. I am supposed to lead people. I can’t tell my doctor – she goes to my church. I will never be ordained now. These are just a few of the excuses I had for not admitting I had a problem.

I put out a fleece. If I was supposed to talk to my doctor (and friend), then she would be by herself while we were at Family Camp.

One morning, there she was. And I walked on by. I got back to my cabin and felt so strongly that the Lord was telling me that was my chance so I went back out and sat by her.

As we talked she eased my fears. She reminded me of the many times that she had asked if I was depressed, but I was determined I was not. She asked if I was truly ready to try something. I was.

For over two years now I have been regularly taking an anti-depressant. We have tried different kinds. I even went off of them for a month at one point after making a change that didn’t work (which resulted in thinking one day that I understood why someone would drive their car into a lake– so I immediately called my doctor.) We finally have a medication and supplement plan that is working well enough that I am level.

It’s not gone. There are days that the old familiar heaviness covers my chest.

But it is better.

And it wouldn’t be better if I hadn’t said something and asked for help.

The amazing thing to me is when I started talking about it, so many people came out of the woodwork who struggle with the same thing. I found friends, articles, and bloggers who have told their stories that have helped me and continue to encourage me through this thing called depression.

If you find yourself struggling with depression, find someone to talk to about it. Send me a message. Don’t let your life spin out of control like mine did before I was willing to ask for help, because there is help.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Back to life, back to reality, this is what has been going through my head all morning. (And to all of you who are now singing the song by the same name, you are welcome.)

The kids are back in school after more than three weeks off – two for Christmas and another one for snow. Cheer practice starts back up tonight, games tomorrow and Thursday, homework, and juggling schedules begins again. Back to normal life.

And then there is the reality portion of the show. My job has been eliminated. I am unemployed for the first time in more than 13 years. I am not going back to work as the kids go back to school.

Sigh.

Now what?

Lord, really, now what?

I have been in a place of listening for quite some time and don’t have a clear word yet.

So, I guess the now what is to keep listening.

But waiting is hard for me. I don’t do “nothing” well. So in the midst of listening, I have to learn to wait, too.

So I guess my new reality is waiting and listening for now.

I know God is at work and is up to something good.

I just have to wait and listen for His cue to move on to the next new reality.

Are you waiting and listening for something new from the Lord?

Trusting and Waiting

Over the last two months, much of my time has been spent in scripture, particularly the Psalms. In the Psalms I find not only words of comfort, but also words that describe frustration, hurt, and the questions that come when life doesn’t play out the way you think it should.

The most recent Psalm that I have been ruminating on is this:

Psalm 33

¹Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous;
it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
²Praise the Lord with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
³Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy.

⁴For the word of the Lord is right and true;
he is faithful in all he does.
⁵The Lord loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.

⁶By the word of the Lord the heavens were made,
their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
⁷He gathers the waters of the sea into jars^[a];
he puts the deep into storehouses.
⁸Let all the earth fear the Lord;
let all the people of the world revere him.
⁹For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.

¹⁰The Lord foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
¹¹But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.

¹²Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord,
the people he chose for his inheritance.
¹³From heaven the Lord looks down
and sees all mankind;
¹⁴from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth—
¹⁵he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.

¹⁶No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
¹⁷A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.
¹⁸But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
¹⁹to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.

²⁰We wait in hope for the Lord;
    he is our help and our shield.
²¹In him our hearts rejoice,
    for we trust in his holy name.
²²May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,
    even as we put our hope in you.
(Italics Mine)

This Psalm reminds me that I can wait in hope for THE LORD, not for a job, not for a direction, but for THE LORD. My heart rejoices in HIM and HIM ALONE. Not in circumstances, not in financial security, not in whether or not things are falling into place the way I think they should, but in HIM ALONE is my joy, trust, and hope. Because HIS UNFAILING LOVE is always with me. His UNFAILING LOVE is enough.

I don’t know what life looks like for you these days, but remember that your hope is in THE LORD and HIS UNFAILING LOVE for you. Hold on to that. Rest in that. It is enough.

Snow Day!

Today we are snowed in our house. We got somewhere in the vicinity of 13 inches of snow yesterday and the subsequent blowing, drifting, and sub-zero temps have essentially shut down most of the area. Schools are closed, offices are closed, even Mike’s employer shut down so he didn’t have to go into work last night.

The kids are thrilled to have an extra day of break, and I am thrilled to get another day with them.

But it does throw off my plans a bit.

Today was to be the first day of a new reality – unemployment. Yes, I haven’t worked since I left work on December 20, but today was going to be the first day where the kids went off to school and I didn’t go to work.

I kind of had some plans for how today might look.

But thanks to the intervention of the weather, those plans get put off for another day.

Today, I will focus on playing with my kids, watching movies, crocheting, cooking, and whatever else we feel like doing on this snow day!

If you are one of the lucky ones experiencing a snow day, enjoy the day and the extra time to just relax and have fun!

2013’s Top 10

Thank you all for the reading and sharing of my blog in 2013! I appreciate each one of you and I hope that you have read things that have helped you think and grow in your life in some way.

As 2013 comes to a close and 2014 begins, I thought it would be fun to take a look back at the “Top 10” blog posts on my site for the past year. Take another read of some of your favorites or pass them along to friends who might enjoy reading them.

I hope 2013 has been a year of you listening to the Lord and that 2014 will bring you even more opportunities to hear His voice!

10. From a Modern-Day Abolitionist

9. Run, Mary, Run

8. Too Short

7. Dream On

6. Make Me Willing

5. Just What is Needed

4. Porch Time

3. Shine!

2. Bittersweet

1. How Big is Your Brave?