Category: Body Work

Stupid Knee!

This is a phrase I have been using in excess for the last few weeks.

Stupid knee!

On March 8, I went for a run. It was great.

On March 9, I did yoga. It felt wonderful.

On March 10, I did a full-body workout, followed by a run that turned into a walk because my quads were so tight from the workout.

On March 11, I did an upper body workout and felt good.

On March 11 in the evening, my knee was so swollen I couldn’t walk.

I haven’t worked out since.

I am in the midst of trying to diagnose and treat the knee with the help of medical professionals (and with the hindrance of our insurance company – grrr), but as of yet, I still am not able to exercise because nearly everything I could do requires the use of my knee.

Again, stupid knee!

As I have told you before, everything in my life is tied together – particularly eating well, exercise, and emotional health.

When I can’t exercise, I eventually fall into eating like crap, which makes me fall into a depression funk, which makes me want to eat terribly, which makes me feel even worse…you get the idea.

The last couple of days have been HORRIBLE!

It doesn’t help that there are a few other things going on in my life that are pulling at my emotions, but my eating and lack of activity are a huge culprit to my declining emotional health.

And the worst part is, I know it and I feel unable to do anything to stop it.

All I want to do is RUN! Running is my lifeline. Running is cheaper than therapy – and more effective in my case. Running is what I do. Running has become who I am.

And I can’t do it.

I walked into True Runner yesterday and just about cried.

I am sitting here typing this nearly in tears.

I am not sure what to do or where to go. I just want the MRI I need to have to diagnose the torn meniscus so they can send me to a surgeon so I can have the surgery I need so I can get on with the six weeks of recovery so I can run again.

But in the meantime, something is going to have to give. And by putting this out there, I am hopeful that this will be the impetus for me to do something different, even if it is finding a Pilates workout that doesn’t tax my knee and throwing out all the Easter candy in my house.

So here’s hoping for progress, because I have come too far on my health journey to fall into old habits now!

Anyone else out there struggling with similar issues? Anyone who has struggled with these issues have any advice or encouragement? I am all ears!

Update 5/8/14: Stupid knee is getting fixed next week and they say I could be up and literally running again within 3-4 weeks after! Here’s hoping and praying!

Fill Your Cup

(This is a talk I gave at the Highland Business Women’s Club on April 14, 2014. While targeted to women, I am sure that men can learn from this as well.)

Picture this. My dining room table, filled with a collection of cups, glasses, and mugs, each with varying amounts of liquid: some three-quarters full of water, some nearly empty of milk from breakfast, some with the dried remains of the morning’s hot chocolate.

This is not a fictional picture I have drawn for you. This is my life. My two children would use so many cups in one day, and never quite finish what was in them, and never put them in the sink, much less the dishwasher, I literally had to assign cups to them and tell them they are only allowed one drinking glass and one hot drink holder. And if theirs is dirty, they have to wash it. Such is the life with a ten and thirteen year old.

The application of this to our lives as women is easy: we don’t get multiple cups to fill up; we just get one. And if you are like me, that one often runs on empty.

As women, we are constantly in pouring-out mode. We are trying to be good wives. We are parenting children and running around for them. We are working, whether at home or away from home. We are trying to be there for our extended families. We are attempting to cultivate friendships and care for those in need. If we are grandparents, we are trying to help our children and grandchildren as much as we can. Our “ought to” list is long, and our “want to” and “need to” lists get put on hold. Indefinitely.

The problem is, with the busyness of our lives, we have forgotten how to refill, how to rest, how to be rejuvenated. And because of that we tend to refill in unhealthy ways or in ways that may themselves be neutral, but turn unhealthy because we do them in excess. We may gorge ourselves on food, electronics, shopping, television, alcohol, Facebook, more commitments, staying busy and more. And when we try to refill with these things, instead of filling our cups, we are simply depleting them even more.

And what happens when we are running on empty

It is never good. One of the most prevalent consequences of running on empty is depression. That is obviously not the only reason that people suffer from depression, but I think it is a big player in our culture today.

I recently finished a book entitled Freefall to Fly by Rebekah Lyons and in it she says:

“Depression and anxiety have many faces. Happy one moment, sobbing the next. Refined, then frayed. More than 57.7 million American adults suffer from some form of mental illness, including 18.1 million who have been diagnosed with depression. The epidemic continues to spiral as we try to somehow manage the stress of modern life with its constant demands…if you’ve ever been close to it—really close…—you know it’s real. Scary real.

“Even more shocking is the number of women suffering depression…we as women are 70 percent more likely than men to experience depression. One in four women will suffer some form of depression in her lifetime. From anxiety attacks…to mood disorders, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and so on, women are under siege. And the majority of women who are wrestling with depression fit nicely into the twenty-five to forty-year-old age bracket.

“We aren’t depressed because we are getting old. We are depressed in the prime of our lives.

“During the years when we ought to be making some of our greatest contributions to others and to the world, we are stuck. Caught in a quagmire of confusion, hardly able to put one foot in front of the other.”

These are frightening statistics. And I fall squarely into this category. After years and years of giving and giving, I finally broke. It wasn’t all at once; it was a slow decline. What started as what I would have called a seasonal issue, turned into a constant one. I was turning into the angry and yelling parent I didn’t want to be. I was picking fights with my husband. I was unhappy and burnt out in my work. I would cry in my bed for hours at a time. I had finally hit the bottom of my glass.

In addition to depression and as a result of depression, other consequences of running on empty include physical health issues, and relationships that suffer – from our spouses, to our kids, to our friends.

You don’t have to raise your hand, but can any of you see yourselves either here or headed here? Or have you been here before?

It’s not a pretty place to be. In fact, it is a scary place to be. Scary because we haven’t been here before. Scary because we have. Scary because we don’t really know how we got here and scary because we don’t know how to get out.

For those of you there now, there is hope. For those of you who are headed in that direction, there is hope. For those of you who may find yourself there in the future, there is hope. Our cups can be refilled. We can reverse the damage of running on empty.

There comes a moment when we have a decision to make. A decision not to allow our cups to be emptied any further. A decision to purposefully refill our cups.

For us as women, it is not an easy decision, but it is a necessary one. It isn’t easy because it means that we have to say no to something or many things so we can say yes to what is needed and necessary.

The decision is this one. To rest.

Since creation, there has been a rhythm that was established by God: a rhythm of work and rest. According to Genesis after six days of work, God rested on the seventh day. In Exodus and other books of the Bible, He commanded the Israelites to work six days and rest on the seventh. He said that the fields should be worked for six years and then left to rest in the seventh year. This rhythm of life is necessary in order to continue on the path that we are on.

But rest doesn’t come easy for us, as women. Our lists are long. We fear we will drop the ball on something. We have errands to run. Kids to care for. Families to feed.

But the truth of the matter is this, if we don’t stop to rest, none of the things on our to-do list will be done well. Remember what they tell you on a plane? If you are traveling with those who need assistance and the need for oxygen masks arises, you are to put yours on first, and then place them on those in need. You know why? Because we are no good to anyone when we have passed out from lack of oxygen. In the same way, we are no good to anyone when we are running on empty.

For me, this looks different on different days. Some days rest is sitting on my porch swing with music. Some days rest is sitting on my porch swing surrounded by friends. Some days rest is taking a nap on my couch. Some days rest is taking my kids to the zoo. Some days rest is vegging in my bed with an episode of Lost or Castle. Some days rest is reading a book. Some days rest is dinner with my husband or a friend. Some days rest is getting drinks with some friends. Most days rest is exercising and eating well. Every night before bed rest is reading my devotionals, my Bible, and journaling.

Rest doesn’t have to look the same every time. But it does have to be something that fills your cup. And it does have to be scheduled.

One thing I have learned is to look at my calendar each week and figure out when I can schedule some down-time. Some of you may have to actually write it in on the calendar. And you may not even know exactly what that rest time will look like until the time comes, but you have to create it. It won’t just magically appear. I know that I have to go upstairs at a certain time each evening so I have time to sit with my Bible and my journal. I know I have to go to bed at a certain time so that I can get up and exercise. I have learned these things about myself and about what I need in order to make sure I am not running on empty. This is hard for me. I am by nature a night owl and would love to fall asleep to the TV playing Friends re-runs every night. But when I let myself fall into that kind of rut, I start fading again.

I have been reading a book with my Bible study group recently that is written by Jen Hatmaker entitled 7. Each week for the last seven weeks, we have been fasting from something: food, clothing, possessions, waste, spending and this week we are fasting from stress.

Impossible, right? But what that looks like for me is six alarms set on my phone. Six a.m., nine a.m., noon, three p.m., six p.m., and nine p.m. These alarms remind me to stop and take a moment to whisper a prayer. To rest for a moment. To read a scripture. To take a break from the “urgent” things I am working on.

I am bad at this. But I think it is a good rhythm for me. One that may just continue past this week. Because it is an alarm on my phone, which I always have with me, and may just be the cause of some of the stress and emptiness of my cup, it forces me to listen and be attentive to the call to rest.

Rest is imperative for us if we want to keep our cups full. But, there is also a second thing that is necessary for keeping our cups full. God fills us up when we rest but not so we can stay full. He fills us so that we can give more of ourselves. “Jesus is the source of a spring of living water that is always bubbling up, an unfailing source, ever fresh.” The well of Christ never runs dry – we will always have what we need when we receive His filling. And as a result of that, if we are filling ourselves up with Christ and the rest that we have been called to, the more we give away, the more we will get.

“In John 7:38, Jesus says, “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.” Again and again Jesus invites us to come to Him because He is the fountain of life. He knows that life is difficult and [He] offers us strength. Not only does He delight in filling our cup with His everlasting love and perfect peace, He will fill it to the fullest measure. The best part is that it will actually overflow onto all that we meet. And no one is more pleasant to be around than someone who has had her cup filled with the living God…This will free her up to love others unconditionally…” (Quoted from this blog.)

When we take the time to rest, to fill our cups, we will actually be able to complete those to-do lists better, with more energy, with more love, with more compassion, with more hope, than we ever could have when our cups were empty.

When the depression hit me hard, I had to seek help from medical professionals, and it is good that I did, but I also had to reorient my life and allow time for rest and rejuvenation. And I don’t do a great job of this all the time. In fact, it took God removing me from a job I had for over 13 years and placing me in a different area of ministry to really reinforce some of these principles of rest. But I always know when I stop planning for rest: my pace becomes hectic, I begin feeling burnt out, the depression ramps up, and I crash. When that happens, I have to stop; I have to choose to re-commit and make time for rest in my schedule, because I want to be able to give of myself to my family, to my friends, and to my God.

I encourage you to go home and open your calendars tonight, while this message is fresh, and start scheduling time for rest, so you, too, can be filled to overflowing and give of yourselves in new and fresh ways.

Food and Money

In my ongoing study of the 7 Experiment: Staging Your Own Mutiny Against Excess, (which, let me tell you, has been eye-opening, frustrating, heart-wrenching, and an overall wrecking of my life), we have gotten to the week where we investigate our spending habits and try to fast from spending in some form.

As my Bible study group discussed this week, we all noticed a common theme in our lives: the biggest issue when it comes to our spending has to do with one thing – FOOD.

This takes on many forms, including but not limited to:

  • Eating out
  • Running to the grocery store
  • Buying things not on our grocery list

But the real issue that all of these things come back to is this:

  • Lack of planning

If I planned out menus for the week, based on our busy schedule, and purchased items according to that list, I would not buy extra things and I wouldn’t find myself running to the grocery store for things at the last-minute. If I had a plan, I wouldn’t default to ordering pizza, or running through the drive-through of some restaurant that doesn’t serve the healthy, home-cooked meals that I prefer to serve to my family.

If I planned, I could curb a substantial amount of spending.

If I planned, I could be eating the healthy food I like to eat.

If I planned, I could be serving my family the healthy food I want them to eat.

If I planned, I wouldn’t waste so much time and money at the grocery store.

But it all comes down to that one word, “if.”

What stops me?

Is it time? No, I have plenty of that if I have time to sit around and gorge myself on “Lost” episodes.

Is it lack of creativity and ideas? No, I have multiple cookbooks and Pinterest boards with lots of food ideas.

Is it that I have an unending supply of money to be wasting on food? Absolutely not! We actually need to tighten the budget up a bit.

Is it that I don’t choose to spend my time that way and I am lazy about it? (Is it possible to step on your own toes, because mine kind of hurt.)

So this week, we aren’t spending any money. I will be forced to plan or eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for every meal. And while Ty might not mind that, the rest of us would.

Here goes!

Princesses Galore

This weekend I was privileged to be one of the 25,000 runners at the Walt Disney World Princess Half-Marathon. It was my 12th half marathon since I started running in 2007. It was wonderful. The weather was hot, but overcast so the sun didn’t make it unbearable. We dressed in our best princess attire and had so much fun!

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One of the best moments of the race was as we exited Cinderella’s castle and were headed out of Magic Kingdom and I found myself overwhelmed to the point of tears as I pulled out my phone and typed this note:

As a Daughter of the King, and thus a true princess, I am overwhelmed as I see His princesses of all shapes, sizes, colors, economic classes, and more running, walking, being healthy, challenging themselves, smiling, struggling, loving themselves and one another, giving encouragement and just enjoying the gift that is life and health.

We all ran that race for different reasons, we all had a different experience, we all come from different backgrounds, but there is something beautiful about the gathering of God’s creation to celebrate and encourage one another through a challenge.

And this is how we should be approaching life as well. Celebrating it. Building one another up. Helping one another along. Enjoying it. Watching the sights and people around us. Embracing it. Crying as we cross certain “finish lines” together. Truly living in community.

Are you living in community? You need to be. Find one. Make one. You won’t be sorry.

It Can Be Done

Recently, I met with a friend who is moving in the direction of adopting a vegan diet, but her biggest hurdle is her family. She has two young children and a “meat and potatoes” husband. She knows I have a similar situation and she wondered how I manage to maintain a vegan diet without forcing it on my family, but also without fixing two meals at every single mealtime.

My words to her were this, “It can be done.”

Is it easy? Not always. Do you sometimes make two meals? Sure. Does your family complain? They are human.

Here are some tips that I gave her:

  • You know your family and know what types of food they like. When you are looking for new recipes to try, find those with similar flavors and ingredients that just leave out the meat, dairy and eggs.
  • Make substitutions in familiar recipes. Use lentils or beans in place of meat. Use flax eggs in place of real eggs. Use almond milk in place of regular milk.
  • Have taco night (or whatever is a favorite night for your family) and make their taco filling, but also make a vegan taco filling for you. They may try it and like it, but even if they don’t, it is okay.
  • Make spaghetti and just use regular tomato sauce, but have meatballs to add to theirs.
  • When a recipe makes a lot and you have leftovers, throw some in the freezer to pull out for you next time they want to have meatloaf and mashed potatoes for dinner. I do this with soups quite often.
  • Establish “Meatless Mondays” where you can expose your family to new recipes.
  • Use your main dish as a side dish for their dinner.
  • I make a southwestern skillet that I make in two pans, one I add chicken to and one I don’t.
  • If I want to try a recipe I know my family won’t like, I will often make enough of the previous night’s meal so they can eat leftovers while I try the new recipe. Sometimes I can even get them to try it, too!
  • Keep quick things on hand, like Dr. Praeger’s California Veggie Burgers for when your family wants to grill burgers so you have an option as well.
  • Most of all, be flexible and have patience. Your family isn’t the one making this decision so don’t force it on them. Help them to grow and understand your choice, while offering other options and teaching them about nutrition along the way.

These tips are true for any kind of dietary change, not just those looking to adopt a vegan lifestyle. Don’t look at the mountain in front of you and say it is too hard to climb because your family isn’t ready to climb to the top with you right now. You can still do it. You just have to approach it in a different way. It can be done.

 

 

 

Eating is Different for Everyone

This is a post written by a good friend and “adopted” daughter of mine. You can read it and more on her blog. Here she shares some of her struggle with and freedom from an eating disorder. If you or someone you love struggles with an eating disorder, ask for help.

Have you ever found yourself staring in the mirror, thinking why me? Why am I the one who has big hips? Why am I the one that has this inconvenient zit on the tip on my nose on the day I have an important interview? Why am I the one who is the biggest out of all of my friends? Why can’t I be beautiful? Why can’t I be enough? If you are anything like me, you’ve been there. You know what it’s like to not feel skinny enough, pretty enough, or worthy enough to have any sort of value. I get it, I’ve been there, I understand. This week I have been compelled to speak and respond to the issue of eating disorders and the common misconceptions that are often made due to people’s lack of knowledge.

This week, February 23 through March 1, is NEDAweek. A week that has been set aside to dispel the misconceptions and myths about eating disorders and the connotations that come along with this mental health issue. This year, the theme is, “I Had No Idea.” This theme has been set in place to raise awareness about the effects that eating disorders have on people’s lives and the significant damage that could be done while someone is battling this disorder. A statistic from the NEDA website states that 30 million people will be impacted by an eating disorder at some point in their life. 30 million people. Your mom. Your friend. Your little brother. Your big sister. Your uncle. Your teacher. All of these people may be impacted by this harmful and life draining disorder. How will you respond? How will you handle it? Will you even know it’s slowly killing them?

As a college senior who is about to graduate, I have been wrestling with what to do with this pressing issue that God has placed on my heart to speak out about. While I am really good at speaking to people about things that I believe to be true or about opinions that I hold with high value, there is one thing that I have remained silent about for many years.

I have been on a journey for most of my life that has been filled with several highs, lows, twists, turns, times of celebration, times of mourning, moments where I am motivated to seek help, and times that I am committed to stay in my little rut because it’s the most comfortable place.

By now I am sure that you are assuming this is going to be another blog post that has a writer who is seeking your sympathy and in need of your pity; but it’s not. I have been participating in NEDAweek this week on Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr. I have used this week to reflect on the past, to explore the present, and to gain hope for the future. While I am still processing, learning, and accepting things in my own life, I have felt the need to speak truth and to bring a message of hope to those who are in the midst of struggle and in need of someone to say, “I get and I understand where you are coming from, but hold on, because it gets better.”

I invite you to walk along side of me as I tell you about my journey. I’ve come to realize that the more we speak what is true, the more we understand the process that is taking place within us.

With that I am going to share my story of redemption and hope; these two things that have gone hand in hand as I explore the freedom and peace that comes with recovery. Know that the picture of a person struggling with an eating disorder that is in your head is not always accurate. Skinny or large, boy or girl, young or old, all of these people are affected by this issue. It’s not limited to the skinny girl who is in her teens. Set all of your assumptions and stereotypes aside. Who knows, by letting go of those you may just save the life of someone crying out for help.

Growing up I was a bit of a girly girl. I loved princesses and all things pink. (Those of you who know me, some things never change). Glitter was a must, and frills and clicky shoes just like my mom’s were a necessity. I loved to dress up and spend hours singing into my hairbrush to the latest songs on the radio. I was a little girl who was in love with dressing up and performing. For the most part, that’s how I spent my early years. I never realized that I was different from everyone else, until my cousin took me shopping one afternoon and took me straight to the little boys’ section to buy jeans, because I wasn’t going to fit into the cute girly jeans with glitter and designs on the pockets.

I remember crying in the dressing room because I wanted to be skinnier and smaller, because I wasn’t going to agree to wear those ugly boy jeans to school. People would know, because all of the other little girls were wearing cute jeans. This is when I was sent down a path of struggle, disappointment, and silence.

At just the age of 8, I knew that I wasn’t skinny enough to fit into clothes like all the other girls; I knew that there was something wrong with me, and I didn’t understand what all that was. Why was I feeling so bad about not being skinny? I had heard in church time and time again that God makes all of us in our own unique way and we should be happy with that.

As time progressed, I started changing who I was by changing the type of clothing that I was wearing. Looking at it now it’s so silly, but then I didn’t have to worry about the size of my jeans and could wear bright-colored pants that didn’t have a number or a boy fit to them.  I would wear athletic sweat pants to school everyday, and had every color of Adidas shoes to match the sporty brightly colored pants that I owned. (Some of us have more than one awkward phase, so if you’re like me and have more than one, I feel you there).

When I reached the end of my elementary years, my mom started having me go to Curves with her. I didn’t just hate it; I really, really, really hated it. I was forced to walk on a board and use equipment with women who were double my age. They would all praise me for working out at such a young age and would often make comments about how tight and muscular my calves were. They were supportive and encouraging and my mom just wanted me to get in the habit of working out, but I was so negative and unpleasant about the experience that it caused me to have a bitter taste in my mouth about exercising and all things weight related. I would go week after week for weigh in’s and watch my skinny mom drop the inches and pounds, as I stayed the same and gained weight, because they said muscle weighs more than fat. I wasn’t meeting the weight goals and the inches were staying on my hips and thighs. I didn’t get it. I was there often working out, against my will, and still no results.

I entered middle school, (look out, here comes another awkward phase) where I was in a new place with new peers and teachers. My tiny little class met up in middle school with several other elementary schools to make up one middle school. There were so many new opportunities and experiences to be had in this exciting and terrifying environment. There was basketball, volleyball, and cheerleading, scholar bowl and so many clubs.

When time came for cheerleading tryouts, I knew for certain that I wanted to be one. I loved to cheer and the idea of wearing an obnoxious bow all the time sounded so appealing to me. Well, I tried out and I didn’t make it. It was by far the most awful and embarrassing experience that had happened in my 12 years of life. I didn’t make the one thing that I really wanted. What was wrong with me?

Well, as every preteen girl does, I came up with a million different reasons as to why I didn’t make the team. The two that I really held on to were, one: that I am not skinny enough and two: that I am not pretty enough. All of the other girls who made the team were super skinny and beautiful. I had figured it out. I wasn’t like them and because of that I didn’t make the team of skinny and pretty girls.

My parents were so supportive and encouraging. Sending flowers to the house for me and letting me know that I would always be their cheerleader. While it was sweet and the flowers were beautiful, I was so upset that I didn’t make the team. In my best efforts to get over it, I decided that I would try out for basketball.

In the week that passed after cheerleading tryouts, I began to skip breakfast and lunch at school, but would eat dinner at home in the evenings. I don’t know about you, but running mountain sprints on an empty stomach was not one of the best choices that I have made in life.  As we were doing drills and running a lot, I suddenly became really dizzy and sick to my stomach. I asked the coach if I could take a break. Of course, he said yes and I headed upstairs to my social studies teacher’s room. I was lying on the floor and telling her that I wasn’t feeling well. She made me get up and sit on the stool next to her. She handed me a bag of Teddy Grahams and told me I had 3 minutes to tell her what was going on.

In those three minutes, (which by the way, felt like hours) I remained silent and didn’t say a word. Finally after waiting for a while, I told her that I had been skipping meals and the expectations that were set for basketball tryouts weren’t fitting well with my eating habits. I begged her not to tell my parents and she finally agreed, only after I promised I would eat every meal.

As the weeks passed by, she would periodically come down into the lunch room and walk by, not saying a word, but making sure that I had a tray and that I was actually eating the food that was placed on it.

Looking back on that year, I am reminded of the constant struggle of wanting to please my teacher and desperately wanting to be skinny and pretty. It was a struggle that would follow me throughout the remaining days of seventh grade and into eighth grade, where things began to pick up and the habit would be formed.

There was this little part inside of me that wanted to stop this secret life that I was living, but another part of me loved the control and the thrill of hiding it from those who were closest to me.

I entered high school with this habitual behavior. I lived this life of devotion to the God of the universe and a worshipper of a disorder that was quickly taking over my life. From the outside, I looked like I had my life together. I had sensed a call the summer before my freshman year to enter into full-time ministry and was devoted to studying and learning about God and His will. I didn’t go to parties, I didn’t get in trouble, and I was certainly not struggling; true Christians don’t struggle.

Inside, I was literally hungry all the time, disappointed in my looks often, and engrossed in this idea of being perfect. I didn’t want people to see my struggle, because then maybe they would get the wrong idea of God and that’s the last thing that I wanted to do.

While daily it was a struggle, I had to keep up my image. I didn’t want people to catch on. I made sure not to change my eating habits around my family. I would still eat when my mom cooked and would often eat snacks to keep my cover, but would later feel so guilty.

I was in this sick cycle of perfection, lies and fakeness. I would strive daily to look a certain way. That messy bun on top of my head had to be perfect, or I would spend half the morning fixing it, and if my bow didn’t look right or the color was off, I would stress until I achieved what I was in need of.

These behaviors continued to happen and I began to get really good at hiding things and covering up when people started to catch on. It became a game, a thrill of sorts. This would continue and eventually lead me to my junior year of high school, where I yet again tried out for cheerleading.

This time, there is a better ending to the cheerleading tryout fiasco. I made the squad and was so excited. I was finally going to be a cheerleader and all of my work had finally paid off. This time, I had finally achieved my goal, and I thought that maybe this time I would fit in and everything would be great.

Wrong! All of the cheerleaders were skinny and flexible and had been together since seventh grade. As the season went on, I started being more focused on what I looked like and how I fit into the uniform than anything else. I was forgetting why I wanted to be a cheerleader. I was focusing on the looks and not the joy of cheering that I had fallen in love with.

Around the same time, I joined an ecumenical choir that was devoted to making Christ known and letting God’s truth reign in the lives of its members. I met some of the most incredible Jesus loving, truth-seeking, and humble people. Over the next two years, they would pour out wisdom and speak truth that caused me to think about my life and the need to let go.

I would continue to live this double life of perfection and brokenness. I would continue to do behaviors that were unhealthy all the while trying to live the perfect life. I finished high school still struggling, still broken, and still in need of help.

Coming to Greenville College was a step in the right direction. I was placed in the middle of a small town where I was forced to understand what it means to live in true community. It was a transforming experience that allowed me to grow in ways that I never thought possible.

I had friends, professors, and community members that showed me God’s love. While the concept of God’s love has been one that I have yet to fully understand, I am resting in the fact that these people were placed in my life to allow me to see truth.

They sat with me and held me as I cried, reminded me that eating is a good and healthy thing, and showed me grace and love on the days when I didn’t feel like getting better. While I still didn’t want the world to know, I began to open up to a select group of people who began to work with me and process this dark cycle of pain that I had been living in for so long.

I progressively got better. I began to see food as necessary and started to forget that eating was such a huge issue. I watched this redemption story take place right before my eyes and somewhere between 2010 and now, I had this transforming experience that has caused me to seek truth, understand true beauty, and to embrace the life and body that God has given me.

Today I stand before a life of opportunity and freedom. While I am nowhere near completely healed, I am slowly making my way to a spot of acceptance. I have allowed myself to be given grace on the days when I am too overwhelmed and don’t feel like doing ministry.

To the people in my life who have loved, supported, and have never given up on me, I owe you so much. You have allowed me to understand things in new ways and have explained the importance of honoring my body so that I can honor Christ in all that I do. Thank you. Thank you so much for being Christ to me and for loving me when I was the hardest to love. You have shown me what it means to sit in the trenches with people who are struggling. It brings tears to my eyes to know that you all are in the real world or soon to be, and you are changing lives daily.

While I am in a better place now than what I was 10 years ago, it is still a daily struggle to choose freedom. I have to remind myself on the daily that eating is a part of life and it’s okay. I have to remind myself that I am a woman of Valor and that I have worth, I matter, and someday I will be speaking truth to those who are in need of hope.

There are days where I don’t eat and I choose to sit in a rut and allow myself to dwell on the past. I sit and think about how much farther I have to go before I am truly free of this. But, then I am reminded of what I have come from. I’ve grown so much. I’ve learned what joy and hope and redemption and grace can do for one’s soul, and I am truly content with not being okay some days because that causes me to have to rely on my community.

So, I say to those of you who are in need of a message of hope, take time to seek out people and talk about what is going on in your life. It’s not okay to suffer in silence. While you may feel like the only one, 30 million people will be affected by an eating disorder in their lifetime. You’re not alone. You aren’t the only and there is hope in the grace and peace that only comes when we fully decide to allow Christ to transform our lives.

It’s okay not to be perfect. It’s okay to need to rely on community. It’s okay my friend. It’s okay. Don’t dwell in the past, but instead dwell in the present. Get help, ask for guidance, and seek truth.

In honor of NEDAWeek, I hope that you all take time to pray for those who are stuck in this vicious cycle. It’s something that is often not talked about and there is a real need for honesty and surrender. If this is you, ask someone to pray for you and seek out someone who has gone through this before.

You are loved, you are valued, and you are cared for by this community. While these words have become my benediction for Vespers, I pray that this week and throughout the rest of your lives, you will see that you are loved, you are valued, and you are cared for by your community. God allows us to experience community to grow and learn with each other.

My faith has been rocked by the soul fact that when I come to the scriptures, I am reading it through the lenses of a girl who has struggled and is in need of this God who is far greater than any eating disorder. I’ve brought my struggles before the Lord and have asked him to place people in my path that will help me grow and learn, so that I can do the same in return. When we see how God shines His light on this topic, we begin to understand the true redemption story. Christ came into this world, so that we may have freedom. Freedom from sin and bondage. If you don’t understand what that means, I encourage you to ask someone. There is something so beautiful about honesty and

Vulnerability.

Let this not be a conversation that lasts 10 minutes, let it spark a talk that leads people to truth and freedom and ultimately Christ, because in the end, He makes all things beautiful in due time.

It’s Cold!!

For anyone who doesn’t live in the Midwest, it is COLD here! We keep getting these big dips of arctic air that are making the temps frigid. These cold temps make it really hard to consistently exercise when the bulk of your exercise is typically done outside in the form of running and walking. I have spent some time walking on the treadmill and lifting weights at the Greenville College Sports Annex, but treadmills are not my favorite thing in the world. Not to mention, I still have to leave the house. In the cold. Not my idea of a good time, considering I really dislike being cold.

So the question is, what to do? I don’t want to not work out.

  • I have a whole stack of Bikini Body Mommy workouts and most can be done right in my bedroom.
  • I have yoga workout DVD’s that I love and can be done right in my bedroom.
  • I have stairs that I can walk or run up and down.
  • There are tons of body weight workouts on Pinterest to choose from.

See, there is no excuse for not continuing to work out because of the cold temperatures when there are so many things that can be done in the comfort and warmth of my own home.

So, for those of you struggling with the winter cold and working out, here are some very practical options that keep you inside where it is warm, but keep you off the couch and in shape!

Dreaming about Soup!

Ever find a recipe that you make once and then dream about until you can make it again?

Well I did a few weeks ago and I am dying to have a night when I am at home so I can make it again.

It is delicious. It is easy. It is vegan. What more could you ask for?

It is Carrot and Red Lentil Soup and I found the recipe on Pinterest. It came from this blog, Aunt B on a Budget, it is not my original recipe (italics mine).

  • 1 cup red lentils (I found mine at Whole Foods – I keep a variety of lentils in my pantry)
  • 1 cup diced onion
  • 2 cups sliced carrots
  • 6 cups stock (I used vegetable)
  • 3/4 teaspoon cumin

Combine all the ingredients in a pot and bring them to a boil. Skim any foam that forms on the top, reduce the heat to a simmer and cook, covered, until the lentils are soft.  This usually takes about 40 minutes on my stove (I let it cook for about an hour and a half at this point, rather than cooking it longer after blending it in the next step).  It may take more or less on yours depending upon the temperature at which it simmers.

Working in small batches, purée the soup in your blender (I used my stick blender).  Taste the soup and adjust the seasoning (I added white pepper just before serving).  You can serve it right away if you want but I usually return it to the stove and let it simmer for another hour so that it thickens up a bit.

I shared it with my neighbors and they loved it. Even my picky daughter loved it. I’m thinking this may be tomorrow’s dinner again and would be great with some crunchy bread!

Back at It and Goal Setting

November 1.

I was supposed to be recovered enough from my sinus surgery to jump back into exercise on November 1.

But I wasn’t, so I didn’t.

And then it became mid-November, but other circumstances prevented that from happening, too.

And then it became December 1.

And all day on December 1 I thought I needed to text my “exercise buddy” and say let’s walk Monday morning and about the time I was ready to text her, she texted me. Great minds… 🙂

So this week I got back on the exercise wagon, and as we walked on Monday we talked about our December goals. Mine is simply to get back in my exercise routine. My eating is under control, but I have to get moving regularly again. October 13 was the last time I worked out and August 27 was the last time I ran any distance, mostly because of illness.

And I also gave myself permission to NOT get on the scale this month. I need to focus on just being consistent with exercise, and there are enough stressors in my life right now that I don’t need the scale being another one.

I have two half-marathons scheduled for early 2014 already, and soon I will have to get back into training mode, but for now, consistency is what I need.

So for now, that is what I will shoot for.

Have you lost sight of your goals? Have you fallen into the “winter blahs” when it comes to eating and exercise? If so, think about a small goal that you can take on to get yourself back on track. Because staying on top of it now will help you not have to make (and break) the same old New Year’s Resolution in 2014.

Turkey-Mania: Not a Vegan Holiday

Thanksgiving.

A day of food, family, and football.

And the food involved is not really a vegan’s best friend.

So, what do you do on a day full of non-vegan food at someone else’s house?

You get as close to vegetarian as possible and enjoy the day.

Because isn’t sharing time with family over the table more important than the food you eat on those few special occasions a year? I would say a resounding “YES!”

Today, I am back at the vegan diet.

But I don’t regret anything I ate yesterday (which was all in moderation), because that isn’t the most important thing in my life.

Relationships are.

And yesterday was an important part of maintaining those family relationships that are a key part of life in community.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day with your family and friends!