Month: October 2011

How “Real” Do You Want Me to Be?

Today, I am revisiting some of my favorite recurring thoughts. These thoughts were actually the subject of my first two blog posts (Who Are We?, More on the Subject of Authenticity).

I think all the time how I wish we all were more authentic with one another. I wish we could take off our masks and stop pretending to have it all together. I wish we could be more “real” on a wider scale than just the few (if any) super-close friends that we save our “real” selves for. And I wish we could do all of that without fear of what other people think about us; without fear of judgment.

But instead I think on some level we are all walking around asking ourselves this question about the people we are with at any given moment, “how “real” do they want me to be?”

  • “Do they really want to know about my struggle with/addiction to (porn/alcohol/spending money/______)?”
  • “Should I tell them about my (depression/mental illness/infidelity/distrust of God/________)?”
  • “What would they think of me if they knew I (had anger issues/hated my husband/wanted to die/sometimes I wish I hadn’t had children/__________)?”

Over the last few months, I have had more opportunities to be “real” with more people. It’s scary, but it is also very freeing to not feel like I have to hide certain aspects of who I am. And by sharing those parts of me that are less than pleasant or just plain scary to share because of the fear of how I will be viewed once people know that about me, it helps me own my stuff and own how that stuff affects my life. But it also helps me give that stuff over to God, because when there are areas of our lives that need work, but we aren’t willing to own it, we won’t be willing to ask for help to fix it.

Lest any of you start thinking that I have some deep, dark secrets that you aren’t privy to, I am mainly talking about my struggle with depression and the fact that earlier this year it got to a point that I had to not only acknowledge it, but do something about it. With God’s help, I did and am doing that, and since then I have began to open up to more and more people about it. And what I am finding is that I am not alone. There are many other people who are struggling with the same issue. (Whew, I’m not the only one!) But up until that point, I fell into the same trap we all fall into, the one that says we have to “keep up appearances.” And you know what that did? Made me feel even more isolated and afraid to talk about it. (I am having a bit of an anxiety attack right now about posting this blog – those same old fears creeping in.)

I say that to say this: we have to be real with one another, and we have to give others permission to be who they are when they are with us. How else will we find the healing we need? How else will we show the grace of God to one another? I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to hang out with people who always have it all together, because I don’t, and I don’t like to feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t have it all together. How about you?

I Should Be Committed

The title of this post is what many people will say about me as they hear what I did today.

I registered for my first (and probably only) full marathon. 26.2 miles.

I might be a little insane. I just finished a great half marathon, and have been sick with a cold/flu/allergies since then, so it is possible that my brain isn’t functioning at 100%. Except I have been thinking about doing this for the last few months. And talking about it with my running partner. And while we were talking hypothetically at first, at some point it transitioned and today we pulled the trigger, so to speak. We put our money where our mouths are and registered for the race.

So now I keep repeating to myself, “Just breathe. Just breathe.”

It’s a little nerve-wracking to know that now, not only do I have to run 26.2 miles on April 15, but I have to TRAIN to run for the next 20+ weeks. And it’s the training that is the kicker. On my birthday I will have to run 20 miles. Happy Birthday to me. Or rather, Nappy Birthday to me, as that’s what I’ll be doing after running 20 miles.

As hard as it is going to be (and I know it will be hard), I am looking forward to crossing that finish line and knowing that I set my mind on accomplishing this task, trained appropriately, and finished the race. But I also know that I won’t be doing it alone. I will first and foremost be asking for help from the Lord, as I know I don’t do anything on my strength alone. And I know I will need lots of help from Him. I will also have the strength that comes with doing this with a partner. I’m not sure I could commit to doing this without Crystal. And I will have the encouragement of my family and friends to keep going, even when it is hard. I will especially be leaning on those friends who have done this before (and survived).

So, here goes another page in the story of my life. I’m ready to run and ready to learn. Because I am sure there will be much to learn in the coming months.

What seemingly impossible goal do you need to take from hypothetical to reality and how can you get there?

Rock ‘n’ Roll

It’s Monday and time for a blog post. There’s only one problem. I’m sick and exhausted and my brain is less than functional this morning. Here goes anyway.

Yesterday we did it. All 8 of us completed the Inaugural Rock ‘n’ Roll St. Louis 1/2 Marathon (13.1 miles). Our plan all along was to walk this race, but for a few of us, when we realized that we might be able to finish in under 3 hours, we ran a couple of miles to try to get there, and almost made it. My time was 3:00:56. That is my 2nd best time out of  seven 1/2 marathon races, and this is the most I have ever walked. Needless to say I feel pretty good about that. But what I feel even better about is that 6 of our 8 Bacon Lovers (anonymous) members completed their FIRST EVER 1/2 marathon yesterday, felt good about it, and some of them are looking to do it again, possibly even running! What a huge difference from 5 months ago!

Today, our muscles are recovering, our vehicles are getting stickers on them that say 13.1, and we are basking in feelings of accomplishment.

It just goes to show:

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

Yes, we decided to do this race. Yes, we trained. And trained. And trained. Yes, we read about things we should and shouldn’t do on race day. But, we also prayed and asked God for his strength and protection throughout the training and the race. And we give Him the glory for bringing us through victoriously. Because as one of the signs we saw yesterday said, “FINISHING = WINNING.”

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 3:12-14

After all of this, I am almost convinced I can train for and complete a full marathon (26.2) this spring. I am also convinced I will need a nap this afternoon.

The Time Has Come

We’re almost there. The day that we have been waiting for all summer long is a mere three days away. All the days spent counting calories. All the hours spent trying to find interesting ways to walk miles and miles in and around Greenville. It all comes down to Sunday when the Bacon Lovers will come together to walk 13.1 miles at the Rock ‘n’ Roll St. Louis Half Marathon.

We’re ready. For lots of reasons. Not the least of which is we are tired of trying to find two to three hours every weekend to get our long training walks in. But we are also physically ready. Those team members who doubted (and even whined a little) when Crystal and I proposed walking a half marathon have found that not only will it not kill them, they can actually walk that far at a pretty quick pace. We are looking forward to the fun of race day – bands playing along the route, how awesome we will all look as we walk down the street together in our Bacon Lovers (anonymous) t-shirts, crossing the finish line together and getting our medals, and of course the naps we will all take after the race since we will be getting up at PBC (pre-butt crack of dawn for those of you who may not know) to get down to the race on time.

While this will be my seventh half marathon, it will be the first one I have walked and my first Rock ‘n’ Roll series, so I am excited to see how the race plays out, and am hopeful that by walking, maybe I won’t be quite as shot after the race as I am when I run. I am also excited to be doing it with seven other women with whom I love spending time. (If you are doing the race on Sunday, I apologize in advance if we get to laughing obnoxiously, or get a little over the top with snarky comments to one another.)

But I think one of my favorite things is this: many of us are already looking past the race at what is next. There is talk between Crystal and I of doing a full marathon this spring. There is talk from some other members of doing the marathon relay at the same race as Crystal and I. We are all talking about how we want to change our exercise schedule after the race (as opposed to completely stopping). And to me, that speaks volumes about how important it has been and continues to be to have people to do life, weight loss, and exercise with. We spur one another on. We encourage one another. We challenge one another. And not just in exercise and weight loss. The conversations about various life issues that we have had on these walks, the advice given, the prayers given and received, all of these have been and continue to be invaluable to our success, not just in weight loss and exercise, but in life.

The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to surround myself with people I love and who love me back; people who can speak truth into my life and vice versa; people who love me no matter what, but are willing to say (and hear) the hard stuff; people who can laugh with me at the funny stuff and cry with my at the sad stuff. For me, these people include the BL(a)’s, my small group, my co-workers, my family, and some other great friends that I am blessed to have. And while it is hard work and time-consuming to maintain all those friendships, it is worth it 100 times over.

Pray for us as we race this weekend, and as we continue on in our journeys. And make sure you have people around you that you are doing life with. You won’t be sorry.

Who are you are doing life with right now?

Hope and Grace

For the last few weeks, I have been spending time in the book of Romans, revisiting some basic themes of what it means to be a follower of Christ. As I have been reading, two words have rattled around in my thinking: grace and hope, and I want to share a few of my thoughts with you.

Romans 5:1-11

Therefore, since we are justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have obtained access to this grace in which we stand; and we boast in our hope of sharing the glory of God. And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. Indeed, rarely will anyone die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person someone might actually dare to die. But God proves his love for us in that while we still were sinners Christ died for us. Much more surely then, now that we have been justified by his blood, will we be saved through him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies, we were reconciled to God through the death of his Son, much more surely, having been reconciled, will we be saved by his life. But more than that, we even boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

First, let’s look at some definitions of hope. The definition of hope that we use today in modern language is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. Another way of saying that is hope is a desire accompanied by expectation of our belief in fulfillment, or a strong and confident expectation. An example of this definition of hope would be this: Saturday I ran a 5K. I have run many 5K’s in the last few years, and it was my hope that in this one I would set a new personal record. I was hopeful that this would happen. But, while that was possible, there was also a possibility that it wouldn’t happen, so with this kind of hope, there is also a sense of doubt—it might happen, but it might not, but you want it to happen and you expect that it will happen, but there is still a possibility that it won’t. (I did set a new PR, by the way.) We say things like, I hope I get this job, but there’s a chance I won’t. I hope we can afford this house, but we might not be able to. I hope my friend recovers from this disease, but it doesn’t look good. Hope in this sense requires no faith.

Another definition of hope is a person or thing in which expectations are centered or trustful expectation with reference to the fulfillment of God’s promises. This is closer to the type of hope referred to in Romans. The definition of the hope used in these scriptures is more along the lines of trust. In fact, the archaic definition of hope is trust. So think about using the word trust in place of hope in the above. Gives it a whole different feel doesn’t it? We TRUST that He is God and is the Lord of our lives. There’s no doubt that we are going to share in the glory of God. We trust it. When our hope (trust, alert expectancy) is in the Lord, there won’t be disappointment. We won’t be put  to shame, or deluded, or left feeling shortchanged other versions of this scripture say. Even when things don’t turn out the way we expect, because our hope isn’t in our circumstances, but in the Lord. The more we suffer, persevere, endure and see God at work, the more our hope (TRUST) is built.

You see, if our hope truly is in God and not our circumstance, or in how we think things should turn out, or how other people treat us, or let us down, we can be filled with joy even when the world falls apart around us because we trust that God is in control, that God has our best in mind, that the God who has given us Grace is still giving grace.

But what is it that gives us this trustful expectation of God?

We are able to be called the children of God because of what Christ has done for us, not because of anything we have done on our own. Which is the meaning of grace. We can’t obtain it. It has to be given, and because of the gift of grace, we not only are saved but we have hope that we are part of God’s plan to reveal Himself and His glory to the world. God’s grace, which can be defined as the state of God’s favor or undeserved privilege, brings us to the place where we can put our hope, or trust, in Him. What has been done for us is so big, so freeing, that how can we not trust Him? We tend to think of grace in terms like this: a child messes up, but rather than getting the spanking they deserve, they get loved on instead. In a sense, this is grace, but the grace being given to us through Christ is so much bigger. This grace saves us from certain death, it gives us Hope. This grace empowers us. We can’t even come close to attaining the perfection that is expected of us, but this grace enables us to do more and be more than we are able to do and be. A book I have been reading called Radical by David Platt talks about grace this way:

“Here the gospel demands and enables us to turn from our sin, to take up our cross, to die to ourselves  and to follow Jesus…We are saved from our sins by a free gift of grace, something that only God can do in us and that we cannot manufacture ourselves…But that gift of grace involves the gift of a new heart. New desires. New longings. For the first time we want God. We see our need for Him and we love Him. We seek after Him, and we discover that He is indeed the great reward of our salvation…So we yearn for Him. We want Him so much that we abandon everything else to experience Him.”

That’s how big this gift of grace is. When we receive it, this is what our response should be: hopeful, trustful, expectation that God is who He says He is and will do what He says He will do. Here is where our hope lies. Here is where our trust is. None of the things that can happen to us in this world can change the fact that we are the children of God, that we have been saved by the blood of His Son, that we are called righteous. That His grace covered our sin.

And yet, most of us simply hope for good outcomes to our lives, to our troubles, for our families. But we are called to put our hope in Christ. Not in chance, or karma, or our abilities, or other people. In Christ. Hope in Christ isn’t doubtful, it is trustful, and He is trustworthy. We don’t hope for Christ and His glory, we hope IN Christ and His glory. Here is where it is helpful to think of hope in terms of trust.

Putting our hope in Christ should be a natural response to the grace and redemption that we have received through Him, and yet it is still our tendency to put our hope in just about anything but Him.

I remember when Mike and I were trying to start our family. We had tried for a year with no success and finally sought medical help. For seven more months I took medication to help the process along to no avail. Throughout the whole time I would say I was trusting God and His timing, I would even pray those words, but it wasn’t true. I was putting my hope in my timing, in my doctors, in the medication, in the ways that we were trying to time things just right. I was sure I could make it happen on my own. It wasn’t until I finally came to the end of me and truly said, with conviction that I was done trying. I was done putting my effort forth. I was ready to truly put my hope (Trust) in the Lord and His timing, His will for our family and our lives, that we finally conceived Anne.

Saying that we put our hope in God and giving lip-service to our trust isn’t enough. It has to be genuine. It has to be honest. And when we just can’t get there on our own, that’s where we have to ask for God’s grace to enable us to get to the point that we can honestly say, with faith believing, that we do trust and put our hope in Him. It’s not easy, but nothing in God’s word promised us easy.

But one of the most freeing moments comes when we remember grace. Romans 8:1 says There is therefore now no condemnation for those  who are in Christ Jesus. Sometimes we are going to fail. We’re going to put our hope in the things of this world. But, we are not condemned for it. We are given grace. Grace that enables us to try again. And again. And again.

Examine your life and where you place your hope. If there are areas where your hope is not in God, ask Him for his grace to help you place your hope in Him. And keep asking and receiving until your hope is where it should be. In Christ alone.

Where are you placing your hope today?

(If you want to read more about hope, there is an excellent post on one of the blogs I follow here.)

 

Hope Now

Hope: The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best; OR a person or thing in which expectations are centered.

Romans 5:1-5

 1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame [does not disappoint us], because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. (Italics mine.)

Woohoo!

Ever feel like no matter what you do, and no matter how you try you just can’t get it right? Does this sound like you at times:

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.  21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? –Romans 7: 15-24

That next-to-last sentence sometimes fills my mind; “what a wretched man I am!” Well, maybe not those exact words, because after all, it is 2011 and I am a woman, but, similar ideas. “I am such a screw-up.” “Could I have messed that up any worse?” “I am so not getting this ‘following Christ’ thing the way I should be.” “Why don’t I do more?” The list could go on an on. So as I read this passage one night last week before bed, that’s where I landed. In that, “I get what you’re talking about, Paul. I’m right there with you,” kind of place. I acknowledged that I fall short. And then I went to sleep.

Then the next night I read this:

1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus –Romans 8:1

And I was reminded of grace. I’m gonna mess up. I’m gonna fall short. But because of Christ and His sacrifice for me, I have grace, and I have power, and I have NO CONDEMNATION when my actions don’t line up with what I say I believe or what I strive for. That doesn’t give me freedom to go out and screw up on purpose, but it does give me forgiveness when I am not perfect. And the Lord knows that I am far from perfect (but don’t tell my kids and husband that! 🙂 ).

So rest in the arms of grace today and don’t let yourself be brought down by condemnation that isn’t there.

It’s Not My Fault!

Yesterday I had an argument with my son. Well, it was a joking around argument. He came upstairs in jeans that were getting too short and I told him to stop growing. He said, “it’s not my fault.” We then continued to yell that back and forth at one another for a few minutes. (He turns 8 tomorrow and is a bit excited about hitting that milestone. I, on the other hand, while excited to see the boy he is becoming, am realizing that he’s growing up way too fast!) This morning, it was a shirt that the sleeves were too short. I again told him to stop growing. He again told me it wasn’t his fault and we had a nice little laugh.

As I was sitting in church yesterday, I was thinking about that argument. And the fact that in a sense, he is right. It isn’t his “fault” that he continues to grow up. It’s the way he is made. It is how we have all been created. We grow up. Whether we want to or not. He can’t help it that he keeps outgrowing his clothes. He can’t change the fact that he doesn’t want to play with baby toys anymore, but instead wants to play with legos and Nintendo DS games. It’s a natural process, growing up, both in stature and in mental/cognitive ways.

But in some ways I think we can either help or stunt our growth. If we don’t eat well as a youngster, we may not grow to our potential. In the same way, if we don’t feed our spiritual selves well as adults and as Christians, we won’t grow to the potential that Christ has for us. We may continue to grow in little ways, but without some effort on our part, we may stunt our spiritual growth. And this growth process happens as we spend time with the Lord and His Word on our own, certainly, but it also happens as we spend time with others who can speak into our growth. This can happen as we meet with a small group of people on a regular basis. Or a mentor/spiritual guide occasionally. For me, one aspect that has been missing is some one on one time with a friend, going through a book and really talking about the implications of that on my/our life/lives. It’s pretty easy for me to read a book and get convicted or encouraged about certain things, but without someone asking, “so what does that mean for you and how are you going to implement that?” it is also easy to just stay at convicted or encouraged and not take any action to make changes that lead to more spiritual growth.

So, beginning this week, I will be meeting with a friend each Wednesday to talk about those kinds of issues. The first book that we are going to tackle is Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream, and we’ll see what kind of growth we can encourage in one another. Because I don’t want it to be my fault that I don’t grow into the person the God has created me to be.

How are you feeling about your growth these days?