The Problem of Pain

I just finished reading both The Problem of Pain and A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis and thought I would share some of my thoughts and his about this sometimes very problematic area for Christians.

Often we think that if God was good, he would want to make us happy and if he were almighty, He could do what He wanted. And if we aren’t happy, then God is either not good or not powerful, or both. This is what we mean by the problem of pain. But there are some flaws in this reasoning. For one, it assumes that our definition of good and God’s definition of good are the same; that our idea of a favorable outcome and His are identical.

Lewis says, “On the one hand, if God is wiser than we His judgment must differ from ours on many things, and not least on good and evil. What seems to us good may therefore not be good in His eyes, and what seems to us evil may not be evil.

“On the other hand, if God’s moral judgment differs from ours so that our ‘black’ may be his ‘white’, we can mean nothing by calling him good; for to say ‘God is good’, while asserting that His goodness is wholly other than ours, is really only to say ‘God is we know not what’. And an utterly unknown quality in God cannot give us moral grounds for loving or obeying Him.

“The Divine ‘goodness’ differs from ours, but it is not sheerly different: it differs from ours not as white from black but as a perfect circle from a child’s first attempt to draw a wheel. But when the child has learned to draw, it will know that the circle it then makes is what it was trying to make from the very beginning.”

Another major flaw that we find when we want God to make everything “good”, is that we completely remove the fact that He has given us free will. Are you familiar with the term “mutually exclusive?” That means that A can happen or B can happen, but A and B cannot both happen and if A happens, B cannot happen. In terms of what we are discussing here, God doing what He wants and what he wants only and us having free will are two mutually exclusive ideas.

It is also mutually exclusive to say we have free will, and that there will be no one who makes decisions that will hurt someone else. If we all are acting for our own best interest, then by definition, we are not acting for the best interest of anyone else, or to say it more plainly, we are acting in a way that may bring hurt or distress of some kind to another.

Lewis says it this way, “When souls become wicked they will certainly use this possibility to hurt one another; and this, perhaps, accounts for four-fifths of the sufferings of men. It is men, not God, who have produced racks, whips, prisons, slavery, guns, bayonets, and bombs; it is by human avarice or human stupidity, not by the churlishness of nature, that we have poverty and overwork. But there remains, none the less, much suffering which cannot thus be traced to ourselves. Even if all suffering were man-made, we should like to know the reason for the enormous permission to torture their fellows which God gives to the worst of men.”

You see, by wanting God to make everything in this world “good” we are saying that “We want, in fact, not so much a Father in Heaven as a grandfather in heaven—a senile benevolence who, as they say, ‘liked to see young people enjoying themselves,’ and whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day, ‘a good time was had by all’. Not many people, I admit, would formulate a theology in precisely those terms: but a conception not very different lurks at the back of many minds.”

But, when we try to reconcile the problem of human suffering with a God who is good and loving, we struggle, because we don’t understand what it means for God to be good and loving in a true sense. You see, love sometimes is painful. When we truly love someone, we want the best for them, and sometimes the best for them is for them to go through something that changes them. An alcoholic going through rehab. An abuser seeking counseling. A sinner being remade in the Image of God. God does not exist for the sake of man. We exist for the sake of God and He uses pain in our lives to alter us and craft us into the people He created us to be.

But why does that have to be done through pain, you might ask. Two words: the Fall. You see, God made us in His image, but because He gave us free will, Adam, the first man, and through him, all of us, chose to sin and become separated from God. But couldn’t God have stopped it or at least taken it away? “It would, no doubt, have been possible for God to remove by miracle the results of the first sin ever committed by a human being; but this would not have been much good unless He was prepared to remove the results of the second sin, and of the third, and so on forever.” The reality is this, “man, as a species, spoiled himself, and that good, to us in our present state, must therefore mean primarily remedial or corrective good.” When we feel pain, we know something is wrong and we want to correct it. Pain calls us to pay attention. It is in those moments that we often think that God is cruel. We don’t understand when we see good, decent people falling on hard times. We don’t get it when people who are working hard to follow Christ experience tragedy that they don’t deserve.

And yet, it is in those moments of our deepest pain that we are most aware of the fact that we need God. And as we walk through the valley of the shadow of death and come out on the other side we see just how much we have grown through the valley.

But once we are out of the valley, and no longer feeling the pain, how long is it before we are right back to depending on ourselves?

It is in these moments that we really start to see how God uses the pain in our lives to get our attention.

Lewis shares this story about His own battles with this. “I am progressing along the path of life in my ordinary contentedly fallen and godless condition, absorbed in a merry meeting with my friends for the morrow or a bit of work that tickles my vanity today, a holiday or a new book, when suddenly a stab of abdominal pain that threatens serious disease, or a headline in the newspapers that threatens us all with destruction, sends this whole pack of cards tumbling down. At first I am overwhelmed, and all my little happinesses look like broken toys. Then, slowly and reluctantly, bit by bit, I try to bring myself into the frame of mind that I should be in at all times. I remind myself that all these toys were never intended to possess my heart, that my true good is in another world and my only real treasure is Christ. And perhaps, by God’s grace, I succeed, and for a day or two become a creature consciously dependent on God and drawing its strength from the right sources. But the moment the threat is withdrawn, my whole nature leaps back to the toys: I am even anxious, God forgive me, to banish from my mind the only thing that supported me under the threat because it is now associated with the misery of those few days. Thus the terrible necessity of tribulation is only too clear. God has had me for but forty-eight hours and then only by dint of taking everything else away from me. Let Him but sheathe that sword for a moment and I behave like a puppy when the hated bath is over—I shake myself as dry as I can and race off to reacquire my comfortable dirtiness, if not in the nearest manure heap, at least in the nearest flower bed. And that is why tribulations cannot cease until God either sees us remade or sees that our remaking is now hopeless.”

This reminds me of a video I saw a few years ago. It is called “God’s Chisel.” A young man named Tommy wants God to make him into the person God created him to be, but that creating requires God to chisel away at the parts of his life that need to be changed. And it hurts. But God doesn’t stop chiseling away because the point is for people to see God and not Tommy. Consider a surgeon who works to remove a cancerous tumor in surgery—the act of cutting wouldn’t be considered “good” or “kind” in and of itself, being cut is painful—but we want the surgeon to keep cutting away until the entire tumor is gone. God will use pain in our lives to “cut away” that which needs to be removed from our lives in order to make us into the people who He created us to be.

Bittersweet

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This week, my niece, Vivian Sue Hammer, would have been nine.

It was nine years ago on Friday when my mom, dad, Ty and I jumped into the car and drove as fast as we could to get to Des Moines, Iowa because Vivian was making her five-weeks-earlier-than-anticipated arrival into the world. We knew that she had a heart problem, we had learned that in January, so we wanted to make sure we were there when she was born. When we left a day or so later, she was doing well and we were thinking she would be having heart surgery to correct the hypoplastic left heart syndrome.

And then Stephanie called and our world shifted on its axis.

She also had a diaphragmatic hernia which caused her lungs to not have fully developed and the surgery couldn’t happen. We were going to have to let her go.

So back to Iowa we went, the whole family in tow, to spend what little time we had with my Viv.

I will never forget reading to her with Stephanie.

I will never forget getting to love and snuggle on her all by myself.

I will never forget singing to her and talking to her.

And I will never forget saying goodbye to her.

I will never forget walking out of the hospital and watching my sister collapse with grief that she wasn’t carrying her baby girl out of the hospital with her.

Ty was just over six months old. I was still nursing him. And I will never forget having to walk with my sister through trying to get her milk to dry up because she wasn’t nursing her baby girl.

I will never forget making scrapbook pages with the hundreds of pictures that we took in her short six days on this earth.

I will never forget singing “Glory Baby” at her memorial service. (And Stephanie will never let me forget falling down the stairs of the platform after singing.)

I will never forget the countless phone calls where Steph and I just cried together without saying a word.

And I will never forget how in the midst of her own grief, she has been able to cry with and hold many other mothers who have lost children in the past nine years.

God is faithful, even in the midst of tragedy, and here we all are, nine years later, still missing our Vivian Sue, but even more dependent on our God who has seen us through.

Aunt Chrisy loves you, my sweet Viv, and I will see you again one day!

Off-Kilter

Today I’m a bit off. To be honest, I have been a bit off for about a week-and-a-half. Five days in Colorado, followed by five days of just not feeling great are taking their toll.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, the definition of off-kilter is not in perfect balance, a bit askew. That would be a good description of me right now.

Last Wednesday I ran four miles without any pain in my leg. It was awesome. It made me remember why I love running. It totally renewed my love affair with my running shoes, spring weather, and endorphins.

Then I hopped a plan for Estes Park, Colorado, where I spent an amazing five days with some great women and heard from God. Despite the fact that I never ran (I was a bit afraid of the altitude, not to mention there wasn’t really time) we were hoofing it all over the place so I was plenty active, and they served some vegan options on the buffet each night. It was mostly steamed vegetables, and salad, but that’s alright.

Once I got home, something hit me, although I am still not sure what it is. An achy body, a stomach “off,” headaches, and overwhelming fatigue have not been my friends this week. I haven’t been up to exercise at all. One night I slept for 12 hours straight. I haven’t been hungry much, and when I have been I have wanted stuff like pizza, macaroni and cheese, and anything filled with “Twinkie” filling (except Twinkies). I finally just gave in to the pizza craving last night. All veggies, but still, I felt pretty gross after eating it. Gross enough that I am not craving that again.

That’s the thing about eating well, you feel so much better than when you eat badly. Then, on those occasions you splurge and have some kind of comfort food, it makes you so uncomfortable you don’t want to feel like that again.

And I don’t want to feel like that again.

So, the challenge for me is not to give in to convenience (it’s pretty convenient to order a pizza on my iPad while laying on my couch and then wait patiently for it to be delivered), even when I am off-kilter and not feeling well, and that is so hard.

What convenient comfort food is your “go-to” when things are off-kilter in your life?

Monday’s Post – A Day Late

I got back from a few days in Estes Park, Colorado late on Sunday evening. I spent much of the day Monday in bed not feeling well, but planned to blog later in the afternoon.

Then I got a text from one of my running partners asking if I was seeing what happened in Boston, and from that moment on I couldn’t take my eyes off the television and the horrific pictures of explosions near the finish line of the Boston Marathon. I had been watching the race live online just an hour before, but had laid down to rest and turned it off.

Like everyone else I was shocked, horrified, scared, sad, and questioning who does this and why. I was thinking about all the times that my family has been waiting for me at the finish line of a race. I was thinking about my kids and whether or not they would now worry every time I run a race. I was thinking about the families that started out celebrating the accomplishment of their runner only to end the day grieving loss – of life, of limb, of health, of a feeling of safety.

Just like I remember sitting in my office trying to access CNN.com to find out what was happening on September 11, 2001, and wanting nothing more than to run to my infant daughter and squeeze her tight, I will always remember sitting on my bed in stunned silence watching video of the explosions on Boylston in complete and total shock.

Running for me is freedom. It is therapeutic. It is those moments when the stuff of life falls away with every step. It is empowering. It is learning to push through the tough stuff. It is breaking down barriers. It is life.

Whoever did this vicious act tried to steal this from us.

But they won’t.

We will still run. We will still race. We may do things differently on race day, but we won’t stop.

And we won’t live in fear.

Just like I told my kids after the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary, we live our lives in a way that we have no regrets. We live for Christ and we don’t live in fear.

So as I pray for those dealing with the aftermath of yesterday’s events, I pray for healing, and for each and every one of them to run whatever race is set before them today so that they can say: “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” (2 Timothy 4:7).

 

Spring Comes. Panic Ensues.

If you live in or around Greenville, you probably enjoyed the same WONDERFUL weekend weather that I did. It was fabulous. I spent almost the entire day outside yesterday. I dug up and split my hostas, planted marigolds around my light post, and potted about a dozen pots with pretty spring flowers including violas, petunias, snapdragons, impatients, begonias, and pansies to place on my porch. It was perfect. Even after I showered (because believe me I needed it), I sat on my porch swing for a couple of hours reading last month’s Runner’s World and soaking up the weather. I have needed a day like that. There is something therapeutic about digging in the dirt; something soul-refreshing about an afternoon on the porch swing. The vitamin D being soaked up by my body and the pinkness on my arms and legs from the sun just fills me with joy.

I couldn’t have asked for a better gift from the Lord this weekend.

Then Monday comes, and along with Monday comes the realization that the next two weeks are jam-packed full of things that have to be done and I am on my own to do most of it because of Mike’s schedule. Since I haven’t yet figured out that cloning myself thing, there are some things that will likely have to get skipped. Then there are the five days in the middle that I am out of the state for a conference and accomplishing good things, but not the around home and work stuff that is on my list. Follow that up with the realization that it’s the time of year that all that extra stuff begins: ball practices, cheerleading, end-of-school-year events, and summer nipping on the heels of the school year ending. It’s all enough to make a busy woman scream.

I have almost screamed a couple of times today.

I get all panicky when the calendar starts to fill back up (or fill up differently than it has been) because I have to re-program my brain to remember new things and schedules. I have to think through things like drop-off, pick-up, meals, and get creative with family time again. I feel bad when one of my kids has to miss something because the other one or I have a commitment that has to come first and Mike is working and there’s not enough of me to go around.

In light of the fact that I have been struggling with being in the moment versus living in the future, I really need to make sure I am not just trying to get through the day and checking the items off of the to-do list, but that I am trying to be present in every event of the day, which is hard when my head is constantly running down the schedule of the evening to make sure we don’t miss anything.

So today, tomorrow and every day to come, I will simply take a deep breath, look at the calendar, pray over the day, and trust that I will not only get through the crazy that comes with spring, but that I will find hidden gems of peace, joy, and hope amidst the busyness of life and that I will be able to enjoy every thing as it comes.

5 Down, 25 to Go

Last week I told you I was planning to go sugar-free, carb-free for the month of April, as well as exercise five days a week. Today is day five and it is going pretty well. I have to adjust some of the recommendations from the 21-Day Sugar Detox guide that I am loosely following because I do eat a vegan diet and have to depend on some whole grains for adequate nutrition, but I am using them sparingly. Days two and three were headache days for me, (sugar withdrawal most likely) but that passed pretty quickly. It is amazing how much better I feel already (and I know this to be true so why do I have to re-discover that sometimes) without sugar and carbs. I have more energy and even more motivation to get out of bed. And I am cooking again, which is always helpful, both to my waistline, and my mental/emotional state.

Workouts have been a bit tougher because I am still fighting an injury to my hamstring. I did run and lift one day, did physical therapy one day, and walked this morning. I struggled with pain the rest of the week, so tried not to overdo it. Hopefully I can get out and run again tomorrow.

The biggest challenge I have faced so far is breakfast. As in, what to eat for breakfast. I don’t eat meat, eggs, or dairy, and am refraining from carbs (which includes cereal, oatmeal, etc.), so what’s left? Not much. I have decided that almond butter on celery makes for a great breakfast that keeps me full until lunchtime. I do occasionally have a few almonds mid-morning as a snack, but it isn’t something I must have.

The other thing I have worked on this week is tracking my food at MyFitnessPal.com again. It really does help to see exactly what is going into my mouth every day. I am much more conscious of it when I am typing it in and looking at it on a screen on a regular basis. I even re-set my start point for weight loss so I can once again see when I am making progress. The scale has already been moving down this week, but I won’t officially log my weight again until Monday.

The next hurdle I face is a conference I will be attending in Estes Park, Colorado next week.  I will leave Wednesday and will not be back until Sunday night. And meals are provided. And I can’t seem to get an answer about whether or not there will be any options for special meals. So, I will be packing my veggies, almond butter, almonds, and anything else I can think of to help me get through the week and weekend.

That’s how my first week has gone. How about you?

Here and Now

I read this in the Fall 2012 Leadership Journal yesterday and I am pretty sure it was written just for me:

Frustration

I have been thinking for the last couple of weeks that I am tired of “just getting through” whether that be my next task, the next hour, the next day, the next week, etc. As I read this, I realized that this may be some of my problem. I know I have been called to pastoral ministry and I don’t see anything moving in that direction at this point. I know God has more for my family along those lines, but it hasn’t been revealed to us yet. And I am looking forward to that, I am excited about where God will lead us.

But in the meantime, I get frustrated that noting is changing and that it all stays the same all the time. Especially since a Word from the Lord we received around Christmas time promised movement on His part and we are still waiting.

I guess this article was (is) a good reminder of Philippians 4:11-13

11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Maybe I haven’t learned to be content where I am now. Maybe I haven’t learned to be content with waiting. Maybe I have lost some of the passion for the here and now and am spending too much time wondering about the yet to come. I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. But I do know I need to keep asking about the yet to come, while being content in the here and now. And “trust God and let that be enough.”

In what ways do you find yourself sacrificing the here and now for the yet to come?

Up for a Challenge?

I have six weeks until my next half marathon. And I haven’t been running because of a leg injury. But it is getting better and I went out and ran pretty much pain-free today for almost three miles. Which is a far cry from the normal 7-11 miles that I was running on a regular basis, but it is better than not running at all. Which is what the last 10 days entailed.

In the absence of running, I have been craving (and sad to say, giving into said cravings) sweets like crazy!

So, here is what I want to do, I want to start a challenge for you and for me. The challenge looks like this:

  • No sugar/sweets/carbs/etc., for 30 days – April 1-30. (That means no fruit, either, and only whole grains sparingly.)
  • Exercise of some kind (even if it isn’t running) 5 days a week.
  • Log all of this in My Fitness Pal for the month of April.

It’s a short-term plan, basically a kick-start for any of you that need help getting started. And a plan for me which is what I need at this point coming back from injury and fighting off a bout of bad of depression.

So, who’s in? You can find me on My Fitness Pal (the badge on the side of this post), and we can be accountable to one another there, or you can comment on this blog post and we can talk about times when we are struggling.

Let’s go!

It’s the Little Things

If you read my blog regularly, you know that I struggle with depression and the last couple of months have been rough in that area. Add to that an injury that keeps me from running much and a winter that won’t end and let’s just say some days it is a miracle that I even get out of bed. The idea of conquering anything these days is daunting at best, and I find myself looking for ways to push through. That takes many forms but here are some of the things that are getting me through these days.

  • As I took my medicine out of my daily pill container today, I noticed that tomorrow is Thursday which is the last day of the work week for me this week.
  • My birthday was Sunday and here are some of the amazing things that made me happy:
    My daughter, Anne, got her round-off back handspring that she had been working so hard to get;
    My friend, Kim, had me over and made me Rum Chata cupcakes;
    My friend, Crystal, made me my dream cake for my birthday;
    My friend, Brittney, kidnapped my kids, took them for a photo shoot, and showed up at my house with a little mini-album of pictures of my super-adorable kids;
    My husband, Mike, spent the day with me on Friday, took me to lunch at The Cheesecake Factory, allowed me to wander through Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s to my heart’s content, and even hung out in True Runner with me as I tried some new running shoes out;
    I got hugs from some of my favorite church kiddos on Sunday;
    We got almost a foot of snow on my birthday, which does not make me happy, but it did make my kids happy, so that makes me happy.
  • I finished another crochet project to give to a very special person who is going through a rough time right now.
  • I started another crochet project that I am excited about.
  • I have a knit project in the wings – just have to go pick out some yarn – to give to the winner of last week’s giveaway.
  • I get to celebrate a special birthday with some good friends on Friday.
  • The sun is shining through my window.
  • And there are always the snuggles from kiddies and kitties that make me smile and feel comforted.

I’m sure there are more things, but this is just a smattering of the pieces of my life that keep me going despite the fact that I would much rather curl up on my couch all day every day right now.

If you find yourself struggling in any way, I encourage you to look for the little things that bring you joy and focus on them. It does make a difference.