Category: Family Dynamics

⁶Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.  –Proverbs 22:6

It is one of my goals in life to raise my children, particularly my son, in such a way that my future daughter-in-law (or son-in-law) doesn’t hate me. In other words, when both my daughter and my son leave home, I expect them to be able to cook, clean, do laundry, pick up after themselves, fix minor household problems, keep the household “books,” etc. In my house, there is no line of women’s work and men’s work.

When Mike and I first got married there was a definite “unspoken” line. And asking him to clean the bathroom crossed it. We have worked through those issues (mostly), but I want to make sure that we aren’t the cause of another generation of misguided gender issues, particularly regarding housework.

So, I was a bit surprised as I was discussing this with some friends recently when I felt chastised for teaching my daughter and son how to do their own laundry at the ages of 10 and almost 8. And expecting them to make their own lunch for school if they want to take it. The reason given for not doing these things was, “it’s too much work to go behind them and clean up the mess,” and “I’m too anal about the way I like things done.”  And yet, all I could think was 1) I don’t have time to do everything for my kids; 2) I don’t want my kids to see me as some kind of maid that does everything for them; 3) how will they ever learn to do it right and well if you never let them do it; and 4) if I, Miss OCD herself, can learn to let some stuff go for the betterment of my kids, anyone can :).

Yes, it is a super-big pain in the rear to constantly have to walk around and remind them to put the bread and peanut butter away. I do sometimes think it would be easier (and I am tempted to come in behind them) to clean the bathroom myself. I get annoyed when they don’t put their laundry away in the right places. And I would love it for their rooms to be clean all the time without having to go in and point out the places they have missed. But I feel like I wouldn’t be doing them any favors by doing it for them. And I would be setting myself up to be hated by my future daughter- and son-in-law.

When we read the verse that I put at  the top of this post, much of the time we think in terms of raising children up to live life for Christ, which I believe is true and very important, but I also believe that it is true about the stuff we encounter in everyday life as well. And I think there is a feeling that there will always be time to teach them those things. But to me, the truth of the matter is I only have so many years where I am the primary influence in my children’s life before their peers start taking over that spot. I only have so much time before they start spending more time away from the house than in it and I feel very strongly that by teaching them responsibility at a young age, it helps them as they grow up to accept new responsibilities as they encounter them.

Would I like my house to be cleaner than they get it when they clean? Yes! But not at the expense of  them not learning to clean.

Would I like my counters not covered in crumbs, peanut butter, jelly, pancake batter and other various food items? Yes!  But not at the expense of them not learning to cook.

Would I like it if there weren’t items of clothing on the floor by the washer and their clothes were not so wrinkled? Yes! But not at the expense of them not learning how to do laundry properly.

So, here’s what I would like from you on today’s post: where do you fall on the spectrum? Do you do it all for your kids? Are  your kids expected to do everything themselves? Or do you fall somewhere in between? Is 10 and 8 too young to be doing laundry and mopping floors? If your kids are grown, how did you handle these things? If you don’t have kids, how do you think you would handle these things? Let’s start a discussion in the comments  section below. I will moderate comments, so be kind. 🙂

This day elicits many different responses from many different people:

• Shouts of joy
• Sighs of relief
• Bouts of tears
• All of the above and everything in between.

No, the Cards and Cubs are not playing ball today – it is the first day of school.

I have friends who have been counting down the days since the first day of summer vacation, and others who have been dreading this day. From first-time kindergarteners to last-time seniors in high school (and beyond), parents all over the country are finding themselves in the midst of some back-to-school related emotion.

This day is always a confusing one for me. I love my kids. I love having them around. I love the freedom that summer affords. I love being able to have lunch with them in the middle of my work day. I will miss all those things. But I also love routine. And I love peace and quiet for an hour at lunch. And I love earlier bed times and quiet time either alone or with my husband more regularly. And let’s face it, the house stays much cleaner when they are at school all day as opposed to at home all day.

What is really hard for me about this day is the reminder that time is passing. Quickly. It seems like it was just yesterday that Anne was a baby and now here she is going into fifth grade. And I have been convinced all along that my baby will never grow up and yet today Ty began school as a second grader.

My mom always told me that the older you get the faster time goes. I didn’t believe her then, but I do now. These precious moments with my kids at home are short and few and I have to take advantage of the time we have together to teach them and love on them and have fun with them. Which is precisely why I took the day off yesterday just to spend with them doing and seeing what they wanted to at the zoo. It was a magical day (not in the there was no fighting or whining kind of way – that would be a fantasy), but just in the way we were together and enjoyed the company of one another. And while I wish all days could be like that, it is important that they spend time away from me at school so that at some point they are able to move on and become adults.

Thus the confusion of the day which comes with the paradoxes inherent in raising children. So I just embrace the moment (and my kids) and enjoy the ride. Because even though it can be a bit bumpy, it’s worth it.

Where are you at on the range of emotions if you sent kids to school today?

My mom told me last night that I am my grandmother. My grandmother liked to always have her nails done. Me too. My grandmother loved shoes and when she died we found hundreds of pairs of shoes, all in boxes, in numerous closets throughout her house. I cried because they weren’t my (or anyone else in the family’s) size. My grandmother always had her hair done just so. I am pretty particular about my hair, as well. There are other things, purses, jewelry, etc., that we discussed last night over cards and that made me ask the question, what part of the genetic code skipped my mom and went right to me? It’s not like my grandmother shaped and molded me to be like that. She died when I was in eighth grade, and while we spent time with her, it was never doing those types of things. Yet, somehow, these parts of who my grandmother was have been passed on to me.

Once you start asking that question and looking at different traits you have and where you might have picked those up, it really gets interesting.

I definitely got my work ethic from my dad – work hard, finish the job, and finish it well.

My Grandma Luttrell definitely passed on to me some cooking and baking skills, along with a healthy dose of dice-playing skills.

If you know my mom, you might not agree that I got my competitive spirit from her, but you obviously haven’t played pinochle with her then. I watch her play and what is going through her mind is the same as what is going through mine – “I don’t want to lose to these guys!” I also got her tendency to exaggerate a little (“You spilled that ALL OVER the floor!”), and her penchant for making all moments teachable moments.

The list could go on and on. Particularly when you start looking at your kids and what they have gotten from you.

Anne has easily picked up the flair for the dramatic from her mom. That and the tendency to want to make people happy.

Ty has my love of reading, good food, and staying busy.

But what all this really has me thinking about is what traits I have gotten from my Heavenly Father? What has He passed down to me through His DNA? What things have I picked up from Him just from spending time with Him and learning from Him? What of his characteristics would someone say I have gotten from Him?

Just for fun this morning I am including some pictures of Anne and I and Mike and Ty as babies so you can see how much our kids look like us. I hope it makes you smile as you think about these things today.

And what are some of the things that you have picked up from members of your family? I’d love to hear some of them.

You may have noticed that I didn’t blog twice last week. Not even once. And that was because I was gone from home spending the week with my kids at Durley Family Camp.

This is the one thing that my kids look forward to each summer – spending a week in a cabin with many friends nearby in their cabins, a beach at the lake, late night games like Mission Impossible, and FREEDOM (in other words, they can run around all over the property with minimal parental involvement; as long as I know where they are going, they are good)!

I look forward to Family Camp for many of the same reasons that they do, lots of friends nearby to talk with, late night card games in the adults only party tent, and FREEDOM (in other words, no kids hanging on me in the 90+degree heat)!

We love getting to worship together each morning and evening (it takes the kids a couple of days to get used to sitting through the evening service, but Sean and Rebecca Gladding did a great job of involving the kids throughout the week using art). We love getting to eat together with one another and with all our friends, old and new, throughout the week. We love the campground and all the encounters with nature (although, being dive-bombed by cicadas was NOT my favorite.) It is just a wonderful week of play, fellowship, worship, and not much else.

One of the bonuses of this week – NO TV, NO DS, NO WHINING ABOUT BEING BORED. (Yes, there is some whining towards the end of the week when exhaustion sets in; but since the kids are usually not with me, I don’t have to listen to much, if any of it.)

And I made it the entire week without my laptop and without spending time on Facebook (with the exception of messaging one person for camp-related purposes).

So what did we do on Saturday when we were back home? The kids watched TV and played their DS games; I watched TV and gorged myself on Facebook.

I find it absolutely amazing that for an entire week, we didn’t miss electronics or media AT ALL (although my phone did come in handy checking radar a couple of times), but the minute we have access to it again, we are using it at the same rate that we were using it the week before camp.

The most interesting thing for me was that by having people around me to talk to, I didn’t feel the need to be on Facebook and have “pseudo” conversations with electronic forms of people. Real people were better. Real conversations filled me up. Immediate responses from people I love were more than enough. Getting to know someone through face to face conversation was real and genuine.

All that to say, I am not sure what to do with that realization except find ways to be with real people more often. And in the real world of busy schedules that is hard, but needed and necessary.

How would you handle an entire week without technology? What would you miss the most?

Yesterday (August 19) was the first day of school for my kids. The morning began rather smoothly as Ty was super-excited (in a bouncing off the walls kind of way) about starting first grade. Anne got her shower and got dressed, and then came out and, almost in tears, asked me to help her comb her hair (which was extremely tangled due to her NOT combing her hair for a couple of days, despite reminders from mom.) As I worked to gently remove the tangles from her hair, Ty came out pretending to strangle one of Anne’s stuffed animals. Well, that brought the almost tears out in full force.

Once the hair was de-tangled, I invited Anne to come and sit on my lap and talk. (No, 4th grade is not to old to sit on mom’s lap.) I asked her what was going on, and once we got past the tangles, the tired, and the strangled bear, she confessed that she was afraid. She told me third grade was a little hard, and she was worried that fourth grade was going to be even harder.

What do you say to that? I can’t tell her that it won’t be – because it will be. I can’t just tell her it’s going to be alright – because it might not seem like it to her. So prayed a silent, “Give me words, Lord,” and hugged her close.

I told her it probably would be a little harder, but that would be true every year of school, and with most everything in life. I told her that when she feels overwhelmed she needs to ask for help – from God, from me, from Mike, from Grammy and PaPa, or from her teacher. I told her that we weren’t meant to go through life alone – that’s why we are part of a family and a community. And I told her that the church website that I have been working on for weeks would never have come together in time if I hadn’t asked my co-workers and friends for their help.

So, if all this is true, why is it that we don’t ask for help more often? Pride? Embarrassment? A need to be able to handle it all on our own? I know I am terribly guilty of trying to do it all by myself and not ask for any help – whether that be at home or at work. We are reminded throughout the Bible that we are to care for one another – which assumes that someone else knows we need help, which means we need to ask for it, and accept it when it is offered.

Anne stopped crying and accepted my words and ended up having a fine day at school. Now I just need to make sure I am modeling what it means to ask for help when I need it – and give help when it is needed from me.