Family Dynamics – Page 4 – Daughter of the King

Things I Love About Being a Mom

One thing I have learned about life is when things aren’t going my way or I am feeling down, I have to change my focus and start choosing joy and thankfulness.

The weather the last few days has been dark, rainy, and dreary and I don’t do well in those conditions.

I would rather stay in bed, not exercise, not cook, eat junk, and sink deeper and deeper into my couch and the depression that pulls on me.

So, today, I am choosing to change my focus to things I love about being a mom!

Why don’t you join me and add things you love about being a parent in the comments below!

I love snuggling up with my kids on the couch to watch a movie or one of the television shows we watch.
I love when Ty gets to giggling at himself.
I love when Anne tries to be annoyed with Ty and I as we sing “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift, but she can’t help but smile as she rolls her eyes.
I love tucking my children in to bed.
I love watching my children “get it” when it comes to the things of God, the things of life, and more.
I love taking them to school every day, dropping them off and telling them that I love them.
I love picking them up from school and hearing about their day.
I love seeing Ty’s mind at work.
I love watching Anne cheer.
I love playing games with my children.
I love sitting on the deck watching them play outside.
I love sitting on the trampoline and having fun with them.
I love doing new things with my kids.
I love doing the same old, same old with them.
I love just being with my kids.
I love the people who my children are growing up to be.
I love teaching my children.
I love the ways that my children teach me.
I love Anne’s creativity – drawing, rainbow loom bracelets, crocheting, and so much more.
I love Ty’s spontaneity.
I love that our family has its own language (lots of sarcasm), inside jokes (crapplesauce in the hillbilly briefcase, anyone?), and so much more!
I love that my children love their family – grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins – and want to spend time with them.
I love how my children love their friends.
I love that my kids can have conversations with adults.
I love that my kids love Jesus and His church.

I could go on and on. The point isn’t to number the list, but rather to make the list so that I can see all the good things I have in my life. And this is just about my children! When you make a list like this, you can’t help but smile and be joyful. In fact, now all I want to do is go hang out with my kids and have some fun!

On those days when the kids are acting up, I can come back to this list.

On those days when I am questioning my ability as a parent, I can come back to this list.

On those days that just downright are terrible, I can come back to this list.

Thank you, Lord, for my children, and for the joy that the bring into my life.

Serving with Kids

This week, our family got the opportunity to serve together in a community ministry. It was the first time we have volunteered at the local food pantry. We have served together in our church many times, but this was a different kind of service than we have done before.

And the kids did GREAT!

They helped unload the seven pallets of food and supplies like a boss.
They walked people through the pantry and helped them choose items.
They went out in the rain to help people load the food into their vehicles.
They helped stock shelves, bag items, and anything else that was needed.

Living in a small community, there are not a ton of opportunities to serve the poor the way there would be in a big city, and I think about that a lot. Jesus has called us to care for the poor, orphan and widow and while we donate things to various groups to help as much as we can, I am always on the lookout for ways for us to serve as a family so my children are learning to live out the mandate to love our neighbor and be a servant in a physical way.

At the end of the day, I talked with the kids. Here is what they had to say:

Anne said she liked seeing people who were unhappy when they came in leaving happy.
Ty said he liked helping to stock the shelves, and get the carts ready with boxes and bags for the people.
Anne said she enjoyed helping fill one lady’s vehicle with food.
Ty said it felt nice to help people who were in need.
Anne liked that we were serving as a family.

They both said that if our church always has October as the month to volunteer, we should do this every Columbus Day. I love that. I want them to have the heart of servants. I want them to recognize that helping people is the way that we are called to live as followers of Christ.

We are all busy. But that can’t be an excuse for not teaching our children how to care for and serve one another. Even if it isn’t as often as we would like, or it takes work to make it happen, it is worth it.

What are some ways that you have been able to serve others with your family?

Money Matters

As with everything, our kids learn about money more by watching us than by what we tell them.

This means, that whatever we want our kids to know about money management, we better be doing ourselves.

That being said, here are a few things that we have tried to do with our children when it comes to money.

For every cent that our kids earn or are given as gifts, 10% goes to the church as their tithe. Learning early on to give back to God a portion of what He has given to them is key in learning to be good stewards of our finances. (For more on the idea of tithing, click here.)
In addition, we encourage our kids to also save a portion of their money – anywhere from 10%-50%. They have savings accounts and we deposit the money into those accounts.
We don’t buy our children everything they ask for. They need to understand that there is not an unlimited supply of money and that we must live within our means, and not spend money just for the sake of spending money.
We don’t have credit cards and our children know it. They know that when we use a card, it is a debit card and is tied to our checking account. We can only spend money that we already have. We also talk to them about why we don’t use credit.
When they have money to spend, we try to guide their purchases to the best of our ability. Spending $20 on candy (which our daughter would totally do if left to her own devices) is not a responsible use of money. (Not to mention it is not healthy!)
We have tried allowance, and the model we used made the amount per month equal to their age. For example, Anne, age 13, would get $13 per month. We haven’t been consistent with this in the last year because of employment and income changes, and we talked through this with the kids so that they understood it was more important for us to be able to feed, house, and clothe them, than for them to have extra spending money.

These are our guidelines. We don’t do everything perfectly when it comes to money, but we are always working on being better and more responsible. In the process, we are also trying to teach our children to be responsible with money so they can maybe avoid some of the more avoidable financial woes as they become adults.

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Financial Recources:

Faith and Family

Faith. From the time I was two, faith was a priority in the life of my family.

We went to church every time it was open – Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night.

My sisters and I have been examples in Dad’s sermons more times than we can count.

It didn’t matter what we did on Saturday night or how late we stayed out, we were at church on Sunday morning.

When I went off to college, needless to say, I wasn’t as faithful in my church attendance. I didn’t quite understand the necessity.

But it wasn’t long before I changed my tune and began attending regularly again.

And then I became a parent and I realized exactly what my parents realized all those years ago.

As parents, we set the priorities for the home. Strong faith and a relationship with God through Jesus Christ has to be at the top of our priority list. One of the ways we do this is by making it a priority to be in church regularly for worship.

In this day and age, there are so many things that are vying to be at the top of our list of priorities, and what I have seen happen in the church is sad. Ball games, tumbling or other sports meets/competitions, camping trips, and even late Saturday nights are taking priority over worship attendance. Somehow a shift has occurred and instead of making worship a priority, we have started making our children’s “success” in other areas a priority.

The problem with that is simply this: if they don’t learn early how to make the Lord a priority in their lives, then He may never be a priority in their lives.

And for a parent who loves the Lord and loves her children, that would be a devastating tragedy for my children.

So in addition to other things we do at home, we will be in worship each Sunday morning on a regular basis. This is a priority in our lives. And as parents, we will show our children that it needs to be a priority in their lives as well.

The Best Gift

Time.

We never seem to have enough and we all want more of it.

But you know who needs our time the most? Our kids.

Not just sitting in the same room with them while we all do our own thing.

Not sitting in front of the television together.

Quality time. Time where we are interacting, talking, listening, having fun, being serious, sharing joys, hurts, accomplishments, and fears.

This is hard. We have jobs. We have appointments. We have houses to clean. We have friendships to maintain. We have books we want to read. We have Facebook, Twitter, and Angry Birds. The kids have a plethora of activities in which they are involved. There are a myriad things that vie for our attention.

Including our kids.

When Ty starts being super grumpy or super silly, that is an indicator that he needs our attention. Anne is a little easier to read, she comes and sits down next to one of us when she wants our attention.

Just this week, with Mike on 3-11 shift, he came home to eat with Ty and I at lunch break. After he left, Ty said to me, “That was nice. To have dinner with Dad.” It wasn’t anything earth-shattering, but three out of the four of us were sitting together at the table eating and talking. And Ty not only ate up his dinner, but also the time he got to spend with us.

I try hard to spend time with my kids. Quality time. Not just running around town dropping them here, there, and yonder time. When I do, I usually get such an earful! I can learn more in 10 minutes of quality time with one of my kids than I heard the entire last month of simply being in the same space. The older our kids get, the more they need to know that they are our priority and that we make time to spend with them. The older our kids get, the more we need to be hearing what is going on in their lives. The older our kids get, we need to make sure that we are still a primary influence on their lives, and that only happens when we spend quality time with them.

This is a choice we make; it doesn’t happen magically. We choose to make it happen.

And when we do choose to spend quality time with our children, it truly is the best gift we could possibly give them.

Kids, Food, and Fitness

Eat your vegetables.

Get up from the couch and go play outside.

No, you can’t have candy at 8:00 in the morning!

Yes, we are walking to the store, we don’t need to take the car to go six blocks when we just need three things.

These are the kinds of things you might hear me say at my house.

My kids are used to it. Because I eat a vegan diet and they do not, sometimes they don’t like what I make for dinner. Because it is full of vegetables. But they have to eat it anyway.

They are usually pretty good about staying active. It helps that I can’t get Anne off the trampoline and can’t get Ty to sit still for more than about a minute at a time.

But sometimes, they get lazy. They don’t want to walk to the store. They don’t want to ride their bikes to the pool (a rule I instituted this summer – bike to the pool every day!) They don’t want to get an apple out of the refrigerator, but it is ok to get the bag of chips out of the basket next to the refrigerator.

Last night, after we watched last week’s Biggest Loser (that my classmate from Greenville College is on this season), the kids and I had a little discussion about health and fitness.

We talked about the fact that I was always thin like they are – until I got to college and stopped running regularly, started eating more junk food, and let’s be honest, drinking some beer.

Because I upped my calorie intake while slowing my fitness output, I started gaining weight. It wasn’t long and my size 10/11 body was wearing stretchy pants in size 18/20.

The thing is, I didn’t necessarily know why I was gaining weight. I had never really thought about what I ate – and didn’t need to because I was active.

Next came a comfortable relationship that turned into marriage and two pregnancies. Anyone with young kids knows that finding time to exercise and eat well with little ones is a struggle.

But then I got fed up and felt like the Lord was prompting me to do something. So I started eating better and exercising. I lost weight, but eventually I quit trying and put it back on. And then I did it again. And again. And again.

And then something changed. I started educating myself. I started reading books, blogs, and articles about healthy eating and exercise. I started watching documentaries about healthy eating and exercise. I started living out what I knew to be right and good for me.

And you know what? Now if I stop (like when I had a knee injury and surgery this spring) something in me feels totally off and I can’t wait to get back on track. If I have a day where I eat something I shouldn’t, I can tell! I feel sluggish and gross and can’t wait to get back to eating the way my body wants to eat.

But I can’t keep this all to myself. As I get more education about nutrition and fitness, I have to pass that along to my children so that they understand the importance of fueling their bodies appropriately and keeping them active. If I don’t teach them these principles now, then they will have to learn the hard way, the way I have had to learn, later.

I have to help Anne fight her tendency to want candy all the time.

I have to help Ty understand that the copious amount of bread he consumes slathered in peanut butter shouldn’t be his go-to meal.

I have to help them both learn that if you can walk or bike instead of drive, you should.

I have to teach them that if it comes in a box, it probably isn’t the best choice.

I want them to see with their own eyes the importance of taking control of what goes into their bodies, and how to keep their bodies fit and healthy.

I want to be an example to them, yes, but more so, I want them to be participants in their own health. Starting now.

________

Not sure where to start? Here are some documentaries (and their corresponding websites) about food that might be a good place to start the conversation:

As with all things, you need to do your research and not always just take the word of someone else just because they are on TV, write a book, or write a blog. Be your own health advocate, and your children’s!!

I Suck: Epic Fails in Parenting

Ok, so after a week of talking about parenting and how it should look, it is time to recognize that it doesn’t always look that way.

I fall short.

In fact, sometimes I suck at this parenting thing.

Here are the highlights:

One time, I forgot to pick Anne up from tumbling – for over an hour! They didn’t even call me because they had started the next class and didn’t realize she was still there. She sat and colored until I showed up.
Multiple times, I have gotten busy at work and 3:00 school dismissal came and went and I wasn’t there. Usually I realized it within 5-10 minutes, but I have been called by the school secretary. More than once.
I lose it sometimes. And I go off on my children. I have been known to say things that I immediately regret. Usually about their level of slovenliness. And their lack of care and respect for me and their home.
I want to check my kids’ homework every day. But I don’t always get there. Some days it is just amazing that I have the presence of mind to remind them to do it at all.
I don’t buy snacks to send to school on my kids’ birthdays.
I don’t do play dates nearly as often as my kids would like, mostly because I really don’t like having extra kids with whom to deal.
My kids have seen episodes of Friends (and other shows) that I probably should have turned off because of the content, but I wanted to see it so I left it on.
I have great plans at the beginning of the summer and the school year for time management, chores, school work, and more, and it usually lasts less than a month before things go haywire again.
I have wrongly accused my kids of doing things they didn’t do.
Sometimes I let my kids eat cake and cookies for breakfast. (Because who doesn’t love a “Bill Cosby Breakfast!“)
When I don’t feel like cooking dinner, they sometimes make their own. Which means pbj, or boxed mac & cheese, or popcorn. And no veggies.
And even though I have tried to teach them, I apparently have failed to impress upon them the importance of brushing their teeth and flushing the toilet. 🙂

There’s more. This list could go on for days.

The thing is, after I fail, I may beat myself up for a bit, but I have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and jump right back in there and attempt to do better.

After you forget to pick up your kids a couple of times, you learn to set an alarm on your phone as a reminder.

After you realize that you said something you regret, you go apologize to your kids and love on them.

After your kids are exposed to something new (and possibly questionable), you talk with them about it.

After you fall off the schedule wagon, you do your best to get back on it.

We own our mistakes. We show our kids that we own our mistakes. And we work to do better.

These things have a way of teaching us and our children about failure and the ability to try again.

Are my failures as a parent over? I am confident they are not. I will fail again. And again. And I will keep working on getting it right.

Want to share some of your most memorable failures? Tell me about them in the comments!

Someone to Call Daddy

Men. Where are they? More and more we are seeing single mom homes and no dads in sight. And it’s not like mom’s can’t handle things on their own, but without dads, something is missing. (And let’s be honest, sometimes, even when Dad is around, he’s not present and active.)

When this happens, boys aren’t seeing what it looks like to be the man of the house. They aren’t seeing a good example of how to treat women. They aren’t getting introduced to the concept of strength and wisdom that good dads provide.

When this happens, girls aren’t seeing what it looks like to look up to the man of the house. They aren’t seeing a good example of how they should be treated by men. They aren’t getting introduced to the concept of strength and wisdom that good dads provide.

I don’t know what I would do without my husband, particularly when it comes to our children. When he is on 3-11 shift, I miss him. Terribly. The kids know just how to push my buttons when he isn’t around. They (even at 11 and 13) still try to get out of bed 50,000 times when he is not there. And by the end of the two weeks on that shift, both kids just want their daddy.

And I get it. I am an admitted daddy’s girl. Always have been. When I would get a migraine, Dad would sit by my bed and help me relax so I could go to sleep. When I would have a bad day, it just took one look at Dad and the tears would flow as I was circled up into his arms. Dad and I love to do projects, particularly gardening, together, and we love to talk about the things of God. (To be fair, I love my mother to pieces and she is one of my best friends – but this post is about dads.)

There is something about knowing that my dad is always looking out for me, always loving me, and will never turn me away when I need him.

Yes, we moms do the same thing, but it is different with dads.

And it should be. Dads teach us different things than moms. Dads let us climb up on the roof and help him with the re-roofing project (when mom isn’t home, of course). Dads teach us to be confident and able to stand on our own two feet. Dads teach us how to change the oil and a tire. Dads teach us how to step out and take risks. It’s not that moms can’t teach these things, but as moms, we tend to be more protective and we want to hover. Dads let us figure things out on our own, even if that means they let us fail.

Now, I know that with the divorce rate in our country, coupled with tragic circumstances and other things, it is not always possible for dad to be in the picture. But, that means that it becomes very important for the single moms out there to find quality men for their children to spend time with and learn from. And that means that men need to step up to help out those single moms and mentor their children.

I know this may not be a popular post with some people, but we truly need good dads. Period. We need men that are involved in the lives of their children and are raising them up to be Godly, productive members of society. We need dads who show unconditional love. We need dads who make an effort to be present and accounted for in their families.

Our children need them, and our society needs them.

What We Do is What We Teach

This is a post that was originally published on this blog back in 2012. I was getting ready to write today’s post when I remembered this post and thought that it said what I wanted to say, so thought I would re-vamp it a little and re-post it for today.

I have high expectations, both for myself and for everyone else, in many areas of life. Often I am bombarded with just how high my expectations are when it comes to respect and responsibility.

It may come as no surprise to those of you who know me that harmony (I want everyone to just get along!) and responsibility (someone has to take care of everyone else, right?) are two of my top strengths. And since I am almost constantly wanting to keep everyone happy and cared for, I am doing my best to make sure I respect others, particularly those in authority, and making sure that I do my part and follow through with my commitments.

But what has happened to me often is that I am not getting the respect that I am giving and/or other people just don’t do what they say they are going to do (or, let’s be honest, what I think they should be responsible to do). And when that happens, I feel hurt, angry, frustrated, sad, defeated, walked all over, and, well, you get the picture. And then I begin trying to analyze why people are the way they are. I have some theories. Here are the printable ones. 🙂

At some point our society as a whole stopped teaching our children the value of respect and obedience. Instead of requiring obedience first, we started explaining every little thing to our children about why they needed to obey before we require them to do so. For example, my dad taught me that my children needed to understand the word “stop” and obey immediately upon hearing that word. When I tell them to stop, they don’t need to know why at that very moment, they just need to stop. If they are running toward the road and a car is coming, they have to stop as soon as I tell them to or risk getting hit by a car. If I have to explain why they need to stop every time I tell them to, there will be a time when it will be too late and they will already have been hit by a car. That doesn’t mean that there shouldn’t be any explanation, but it does mean that their first response to a command or request from a person in authority should be immediate obedience. (The exception to this is obviously if they are being asked to do something illegal, harmful, or dangerous.) While it is good to ask questions and understand why we do things, there is an appropriate and respectful way to do so.
We are also failing our children in teaching them responsibility. So many parents do EVERYTHING for their kids. They aren’t made to clean their rooms, do their laundry, help with the household chores, keep track of their own homework, etc. The thing is, when we expect our kids to be responsible, they step up and learn responsibility. But when we do everything for them and never let them fail, they learn that someone else will always be taking responsibility for them, so they don’t have to be responsible.
Then there’s the entitlement issue. The problem with raising children to be individuals instead of part of a community is everyone is looking out for number one, which means they are only going to be responsible for what they want for themselves and are going to demand respect for themselves without giving it to anyone else. When you live life looking out for your own best interest, and feeling like you are entitled to whatever it is you want, respect and responsibility for others never enters the picture.

I think that these issues play into all areas of our lives: our parenting, our relationships, our friendships, our work, our churches, our politics, and so much more.

When I am leading a group of kids and they won’t stop talking, it’s some lack of respect and some kids being kids. But when I am leading adults and they won’t stop talking (texting, checking their phones, Facebook, etc.), it is lack of respect. Period. And where do kids learn what they learn? From adults.

When kids forget to turn something in or show up to something they said they were going to show up to, it’s some irresponsibility and some kids being kids. When adults don’t do what they have committed to, it is lack of respect AND irresponsibility. Period. And where do kids learn what they learn? From adults.

Yes, there are extenuating circumstances sometimes. But communication about those circumstances shows respect and responsibility. Just not following through doesn’t show either.

At one point I made this post on Facebook, after another incident showing lack of respect and responsibility:

“Two words no parent should ever let their child use: I quit. If you make a commitment, you stick to it and see it through to the end. And kids need to be taught that. And I’m afraid some parents do, too. My dad always taught me to be true to my word, which means finishing even if I don’t want to, if it is hard, or if it is inconvenient. And it means that I can be counted on to be truthful in what I say and do. If you are a parent, please teach this to your children! And whether or not you have children, make this true for yourself as well!”

I had quite a few people “like” this status. And that is great. But my challenge for you today is to do more than “like” this post. It is all well and good to agree. It is better if you make sure that you are treating others with respect and taking responsibility where you need to be. And that starts with our kids. And our relationships. And our friendships. And our work. And our churches. And our politics.

Be respectful. Be responsible.

Teach respect. Teach responsibility.

I think our world will be a better place when we all do this.

What do you think?

Being the Bad Guy

Somewhere along the way, it has become commonplace for parents to want to be a friend to their children, rather than a parent. They want their kids to like them, so they let the children do whatever they want, whenever they want. Parents buy their children anything they want, regardless of price or level of appropriateness.

This is not the way it should be.

Parents have been given the very important job of raising their children to be the people who God created them to be. And God didn’t create any of us to be selfish, entitled, spoiled brats.

One of the most important words I have learned as a parent is no. My kids do not need every little thing their hearts desire. They do not need to be doing activities that are not age-appropriate just because their friends are. They do not need me to coddle them so that I can be liked by them. What they do need is my wisdom and guidance to help them navigate this thing called life and sometimes that means I have to say no.

No, you can’t go see that movie that is rated PG-13 and all your friends are going to see because I have read that book and know that there are some things you don’t need to be exposed to.

No, I will not go home and let you wander around the square after dark with your friends, even if there is a public event happening there.

No, you can’t play outside with your friend today because you haven’t finished the job that you were given to do.

Saying no is a good thing when it comes to teaching and training our children.

But we have to make sure that we have a good reason to say no. I have tried to be very intentional about when I say no. Sometimes it is easier to say no than yes just because we don’t want to deal with the yes and all the implications that go along with it, not because there is something inherently wrong with what the kids are asking to do.

Sometimes, being a parent means being seen as the bad guy in the eyes of your children. But the reality is, you are really the good guy as you are taking an active role in teaching and training them. You may not always be liked, but you will be loved and appreciated, especially when they become adults and parents, and when they see that you are always working toward their best interest.

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