Category: Family Dynamics

Porch Time

When we moved into our house about 11 1/2 years ago, my dad told me to never enclose the porch.

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He wasn’t saying it because of how it would affect the value of the house. He was saying it because in this day and age we have lost our front porches.

The front porch is where you sit and have a glass of sweet tea with your neighbors.

The front porch is where you hang out with your family.

The front porch is a place of community.

And my dad is right, we have lost that.

Look around you, how many houses do you see being built today with big front porches? Not many. The front porch has been replaced with the deck in the back yard, and surrounded by a privacy fence.

It all leads back to the individualization of our society.

We don’t live in community anymore. We live our own lives, surrounded by our own stuff, and cut off from the rest of the human world.

We say we are more connected through social media, but we are not.

We have lost the art of face-to-face communication.

But that is where my front porch comes in.

I love to sit on my porch swing, read a book, crochet, and sip a cold (or warm) drink. But I love it even more when members of my family join me. I love it even more when my neighbors come outside and we chat for a bit. I love it even more when some of our friends and/or neighbors join us on the porch for conversation and a bowl of soup.

This is how you live in community – you make yourself available and you choose to interact face-to-face with the people around you.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my iPhone, iPad, Facebook and Twitter as much as the next person, but it feels so much more real to sit on my swing, laugh, share stories, and share life with the people I love, the people I live near, and the people with whom I live.

And these are the memories that stay with me, these real-life moments with family and friends.

How are you instituting “porch time” in your life? How are you purposing to spend time with the people you love and get to know the people who live near you? I would love to hear your stories.

Doing Something Right

I don’t know about you, but I often wonder if I am getting any of this parenting thing right.

I mean, how many times do I need to say to my children, “when you get up, start on your chores for the day, and do not turn on the TV,” before they actually hear me and do it?

How many times to I need to show them what I mean by “clean” before they get it?

Is it really that hard to remember to brush your hair? Take a shower? Put your shoes in the same place so you can find them the next time you want to wear them?

I am doing the best I know to do to teach them responsibility, how to care for one another and others, how to love Jesus, how to be obedient, and all that other stuff we try so hard to teach our kids. But we don’t always see that coming to fruition in the day-to-day of life.

So, when we get those glimpses that they are getting it, it makes me want to jump up and down in celebration.

One of those moments happened for me about a week ago.

We were planning a family trip to a water park. We had been blessed with free admission for four, but when Mike ended up having to work, we had an extra spot. We tried a couple of friends, but they weren’t available, so we had decided it would just be the three of us and it would be a great day. That’s when my daughter called me up and suggested we take a friend of mine’s daughter. She is younger than both of my kids, but her mom has been struggling with some health issues and this little girl has had to hang out at home, with mom not feeling great, quite a bit this summer.

Needless to say, my heart just swelled with pride that Anne had thought to include this little girl in our day.

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But that was nothing compared to watching the three kids play at the water park together. They had so much fun! They got along. They made choices of what to do together so no one got left out. It was beautiful.

And in those moments, I realized that with God’s grace and help, I must be doing something right, because my kids are getting the stuff that is really important: loving God through loving others.

I would love to hear how your kids are “getting it.” Share a story in the comments.

 

Risk and Reward

I know I have been talking quite a bit lately about this book I am reading, Sifted, but it is just so good! There are so many nuggets to grab hold of and chew on. This morning as I was standing in the shower, I had a thought cross my mind about fear and risk and whether or not I am holding back on following the Lord’s call because of being afraid to step out and take a risk. And then I read this next section of the book.

The soil was three parts shale and one part loam, so in order to plant a garden, we rigged up a four-by-eight sifting frame with a wire screen to sift dirt. We positioned the frame at an angle and threw shovelful after shovelful of dirt through the screen. The topsoil fell through the mesh, and the larger rocks and unusable clods of dirt stayed on top of the mesh to be discarded…

…the topsoil that it separated was a deep, beautiful brown, and the garden vegetables planted in this new soil grew to giant sizes…growth happens best in sifted soil.

Do you want your patience to grow? That area of your life will be sifted. Want your finances to grow? That area of your life will be sifted. How about your people skills? That area of your life will be sifted. But what about your marriage, your family relationships? Do you want those to grow? Remember, nothing grows well until the soil has been sifted.

Often our unstated, default goal in life is our leisure, but God’s clear goal is likeness. He wants us to become like Christ. When we slumber, God shakes us to awaken our dozing faith. He has no trouble disturbing our comfortable equilibrium when we make stability our aim rather than growth…

We grow because we are willing to change — to risk what we have — rather than settling for the status quo. In life, we won’t get what we desire. We will receive what we settle for. So what have you settled for in your marriage? What have you settled for in your family? Have you settled for a marriage that is average? Have you assented to one that is acceptable rather than exceptional?

Yikes! What things have I gotten in life because of settling instead of risking? That is a tough question to ask, and even tougher to truthfully answer.

When we choose the easy route, it isn’t necessarily the best one. When we just let things happen instead of going after what we have been called to go after, we are settling for less than God’s best for us.

What blessings have we missed out on by sticking with the status quo?

What growth has been stunted by avoiding the needed sifting?

These are not questions that are answered in a moment, but rather questions that are asked and answered while in prayer and conversation with the Lord, which takes time and a listening heart.

I’m listening, Lord.

Time Flies, Money Buys, and Depression Lies

Today is Monday.

Today is Monday, July 29. That means that Thursday is August 1.

And with the onset of August comes the onset of that time of year where we try our best to find routine again…while still in the midst of the chaos of summer. (“Good luck with that!” I just told myself.)

Jr. Comets football games start on August 10 – less than two weeks away!

School starts on August 19, a mere three weeks from today!

Throw in cheer practices for Anne (Jays) and Anne and I (Jr. Comets), marching band practices, back to school nights, fair parade, a couple more summer concerts for me, gardening, preparing fruits and veggies that come into the house from gardening, and of course the regular stuff of jobs, housework, parenting, etc., and it just feels like life is flying. Sometimes it feels like it is passing me up, and others it feels like I am just being thrown around inside it like in a tornado.

While sitting at home yesterday morning, I realized that yesterday was what would likely be the one and only chance I have in the next three weeks to go school shopping.

So off we went to buy a cart full of school supplies (I did check my home stash first so we saved a little money there).

Next a trip to the mall for new backpacks and lunch boxes, followed by Shoe Carnival for four pair of new tennis shoes – two for Ty who is just hard on shoes, one for Anne’s daily wear, and one for cheer/gym shoes.

And of course a run to Sams for the stuff we have been out of for weeks and ending with dinner out for the family.

At the end of the day, both Mike and I were overwhelmed with the sheer amount of money that it takes to get kids ready for school, much less keep our household fed and cared for.

Don’t get me wrong, it was a good day. We enjoyed our family time together, worked well and efficiently at getting everything that we needed on our “lists,” and did so with relatively little grumbling.

But this morning I woke up with that old familiar pressure on my shoulders and chest – depression, and thoughts of running away from everything – anxiety.

It happens after a good day. It happens when I have to bleed out large amounts of the little money that we never have. It happens when I realize that time is not my own. I can’t even find a free weekend to meet with one of my good college friends!

But because of learning to recognize the lies of depression, I did what I needed to do right away. I texted a friend who also deals with these issues and she was able to give me some perspective and encourage me to do one of the things that helps me. And while that doesn’t change things immediately, it does help me remember that depression lies and I can rise above those lies to see the truth. And that is much easier when I have a friend that can lift me up to see the truth.

Today, in the mist of time flying by, money disappearing from my bank account, and being bombarded by the lies of depression, I will stand up and look at what is true!

I will cherish the time I have with my kids now because time does fly and children do grow up!

I will use my money to the best of my ability to provide for my family and give back to the Lord whom I trust to provide my every need.

I will not listen to the lies of depression that try to hold me down.

Instead, I will focus on the truth that I am loved – by my family, my friends, my Lord!

What truths do you need to focus on today?

I would love to hear from you!

Sharing My Past with My Future

We share lots of things with our kids: DNA, our attitudes, our neuroses, certain phrases we use, types of food we like, and much more.

One of the things I have always loved doing is introducing my kids to things that I loved when I was younger.

  • The Anne of Green Gables books and movies (for Anne)
  • Breakfast Puffs
  • Various musicals
  • Star Wars (starting with the original trilogy, of course)
  • Peppernuts, peanut butter balls, caramels, crescents, and all the other special Christmas treats from our family traditions
  • Pajamas for Christmas Eve
  • Games like Yahtzee and Blewitt

There are so many foods, movies, games, and activities that bring back such good memories for me and I want my kids to have those same kinds of memories.

A couple of weeks ago, Mike and I got to watch Batman (Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson version that I watched I don’t even know how many times at the theater when it came out) with Ty and he loved it. Then yesterday, SyFy was running a Batman marathon so Ty and I curled up on the couch and watched Batman Returns, Batman Forever and Batman and Robin. He was in heaven. Those movies are right up his alley and he loved every minute. And I was pretty happy, too, just watching him enjoy the movies and enjoying them myself. As we talked about things like the changes in Batman – Michael Keaton to Val Kilmer to George Clooney – and the stories of Robin, Batgirl, and even the nature of the Mr. Freeze character who does good in the end, it was fun to relive some of my past and share that with my son.

At the end of the day, I asked him what he thought and he was so excited and told me it was a great way to spend an Sunday afternoon and evening. And I agreed.

What are some of the things from your past that you enjoy sharing with your kids?

 

It All Falls Down

Remember how I was telling you that my June was CRAZY-busy?

Well, guess what happens when CRAZY-busy is done.

CRASH!

My body finally got fed up with my constant running, commitments, exercise, stress, etc., and decided to quit on me.

Saturday I slept late, ran the kids out for a quick, but fun, outing with friends, ran one errand, and then proceeded to take a two-hour nap on the couch and other than forcing myself out for my run-streak run, spent the rest of the day and evening on the couch.

Sunday I woke up feeling nauseated, went back to sleep, moved to my couch when I woke up, cat-napped off-and-on all day, fought nausea, made myself workout anyway (because I couldn’t feel much worse), and went to bed by 9:30.

I didn’t cook all weekend. I ate things like peanut butter and raisins on celery, Pringle’s, pancakes and waffles;  not my typical meal plan.

The collapse was so complete that I was even getting concerned that the ugly depression I have been fighting my way out of over the last few weeks was pulling me back down.

But this is kind of how it is for me. I run, run, run, go, go, go, and then I just can’t go anymore.

I know this about myself, but it still manages to surprise me when it happens.

I wish I was better at scheduling my time so this doesn’t happen, but some things in the schedule are out of my control.

I wish I was better at scheduling in down time so this doesn’t happen, but I am not.

So, in July, I am going to work harder at making down time and saying no to the unnecessary.

Wish me luck!

Do you struggle with any of these issues? How do you deal with them?

Monday Musings: CRAZY! and FUN!

June is one of my most loved and loathed months of the year. Why? Because I swear that summer is going to be so much more laid back than the school year and then June happens. And June is anything but laid back.

  • Church camp the first week of June for the youngest kid.
  • Family camp the second week of June for all of us (except Mike who still has to work :().
  • Church camp the third week of June for the oldest kid. Basketball camp for the youngest.
  • Working at basketball camp all week for me, while also doing my job.
  • FCA camp for the oldest the fourth week of June. And FCA camp for me, too, where  I partner with a friend to do the cheer portion. Again, while doing my job when I am not at camp.
  • Throw in baseball games for Ty, junior high cheerleading for Anne, concerts for me (because my loving, amazing husband bought me a country mega-ticket for all the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater country shows this summer), overtime for Mike, and the other miscellaneous commitments and you can see why I feel the way I do about June!

Don’t get me wrong, I love all of these things. They are fun, have purpose, and I am glad we do them, but I will also be glad when things slow down a bit in July before my cheerleading season starts up again.

I want to lay on a raft in the pool. I want to read on my front porch. I want to work in my yard. I want to have a clean house again.

But I want to continue to make memories with and for my kids. Both the fun and crazy kind, and the laid back, hanging out with family kind. And  I think we are doing it.

I am curious, does your June look like mine? Are you hoping for more laid back days of summer?

Bittersweet

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This week, my niece, Vivian Sue Hammer, would have been nine.

It was nine years ago on Friday when my mom, dad, Ty and I jumped into the car and drove as fast as we could to get to Des Moines, Iowa because Vivian was making her five-weeks-earlier-than-anticipated arrival into the world. We knew that she had a heart problem, we had learned that in January, so we wanted to make sure we were there when she was born. When we left a day or so later, she was doing well and we were thinking she would be having heart surgery to correct the hypoplastic left heart syndrome.

And then Stephanie called and our world shifted on its axis.

She also had a diaphragmatic hernia which caused her lungs to not have fully developed and the surgery couldn’t happen. We were going to have to let her go.

So back to Iowa we went, the whole family in tow, to spend what little time we had with my Viv.

I will never forget reading to her with Stephanie.

I will never forget getting to love and snuggle on her all by myself.

I will never forget singing to her and talking to her.

And I will never forget saying goodbye to her.

I will never forget walking out of the hospital and watching my sister collapse with grief that she wasn’t carrying her baby girl out of the hospital with her.

Ty was just over six months old. I was still nursing him. And I will never forget having to walk with my sister through trying to get her milk to dry up because she wasn’t nursing her baby girl.

I will never forget making scrapbook pages with the hundreds of pictures that we took in her short six days on this earth.

I will never forget singing “Glory Baby” at her memorial service. (And Stephanie will never let me forget falling down the stairs of the platform after singing.)

I will never forget the countless phone calls where Steph and I just cried together without saying a word.

And I will never forget how in the midst of her own grief, she has been able to cry with and hold many other mothers who have lost children in the past nine years.

God is faithful, even in the midst of tragedy, and here we all are, nine years later, still missing our Vivian Sue, but even more dependent on our God who has seen us through.

Aunt Chrisy loves you, my sweet Viv, and I will see you again one day!

Spring Comes. Panic Ensues.

If you live in or around Greenville, you probably enjoyed the same WONDERFUL weekend weather that I did. It was fabulous. I spent almost the entire day outside yesterday. I dug up and split my hostas, planted marigolds around my light post, and potted about a dozen pots with pretty spring flowers including violas, petunias, snapdragons, impatients, begonias, and pansies to place on my porch. It was perfect. Even after I showered (because believe me I needed it), I sat on my porch swing for a couple of hours reading last month’s Runner’s World and soaking up the weather. I have needed a day like that. There is something therapeutic about digging in the dirt; something soul-refreshing about an afternoon on the porch swing. The vitamin D being soaked up by my body and the pinkness on my arms and legs from the sun just fills me with joy.

I couldn’t have asked for a better gift from the Lord this weekend.

Then Monday comes, and along with Monday comes the realization that the next two weeks are jam-packed full of things that have to be done and I am on my own to do most of it because of Mike’s schedule. Since I haven’t yet figured out that cloning myself thing, there are some things that will likely have to get skipped. Then there are the five days in the middle that I am out of the state for a conference and accomplishing good things, but not the around home and work stuff that is on my list. Follow that up with the realization that it’s the time of year that all that extra stuff begins: ball practices, cheerleading, end-of-school-year events, and summer nipping on the heels of the school year ending. It’s all enough to make a busy woman scream.

I have almost screamed a couple of times today.

I get all panicky when the calendar starts to fill back up (or fill up differently than it has been) because I have to re-program my brain to remember new things and schedules. I have to think through things like drop-off, pick-up, meals, and get creative with family time again. I feel bad when one of my kids has to miss something because the other one or I have a commitment that has to come first and Mike is working and there’s not enough of me to go around.

In light of the fact that I have been struggling with being in the moment versus living in the future, I really need to make sure I am not just trying to get through the day and checking the items off of the to-do list, but that I am trying to be present in every event of the day, which is hard when my head is constantly running down the schedule of the evening to make sure we don’t miss anything.

So today, tomorrow and every day to come, I will simply take a deep breath, look at the calendar, pray over the day, and trust that I will not only get through the crazy that comes with spring, but that I will find hidden gems of peace, joy, and hope amidst the busyness of life and that I will be able to enjoy every thing as it comes.

It’s the Little Things

If you read my blog regularly, you know that I struggle with depression and the last couple of months have been rough in that area. Add to that an injury that keeps me from running much and a winter that won’t end and let’s just say some days it is a miracle that I even get out of bed. The idea of conquering anything these days is daunting at best, and I find myself looking for ways to push through. That takes many forms but here are some of the things that are getting me through these days.

  • As I took my medicine out of my daily pill container today, I noticed that tomorrow is Thursday which is the last day of the work week for me this week.
  • My birthday was Sunday and here are some of the amazing things that made me happy:
    My daughter, Anne, got her round-off back handspring that she had been working so hard to get;
    My friend, Kim, had me over and made me Rum Chata cupcakes;
    My friend, Crystal, made me my dream cake for my birthday;
    My friend, Brittney, kidnapped my kids, took them for a photo shoot, and showed up at my house with a little mini-album of pictures of my super-adorable kids;
    My husband, Mike, spent the day with me on Friday, took me to lunch at The Cheesecake Factory, allowed me to wander through Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s to my heart’s content, and even hung out in True Runner with me as I tried some new running shoes out;
    I got hugs from some of my favorite church kiddos on Sunday;
    We got almost a foot of snow on my birthday, which does not make me happy, but it did make my kids happy, so that makes me happy.
  • I finished another crochet project to give to a very special person who is going through a rough time right now.
  • I started another crochet project that I am excited about.
  • I have a knit project in the wings – just have to go pick out some yarn – to give to the winner of last week’s giveaway.
  • I get to celebrate a special birthday with some good friends on Friday.
  • The sun is shining through my window.
  • And there are always the snuggles from kiddies and kitties that make me smile and feel comforted.

I’m sure there are more things, but this is just a smattering of the pieces of my life that keep me going despite the fact that I would much rather curl up on my couch all day every day right now.

If you find yourself struggling in any way, I encourage you to look for the little things that bring you joy and focus on them. It does make a difference.