Category: Family Dynamics

This summer and fall have been CRAZY. And yes, I mean that in an all-caps kind of way. We haven’t had much down time at all, which really means we haven’t had much family time at all. Yes, I got to spend every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday evening and Saturday all day with Anne because of cheer leading, but that isn’t what I would call quality mother/daughter time, unless you are counting all 30+ of the “daughters” I was hanging out with. 🙂

Friday night and Saturday were the first in months with no commitments whatsoever. And it was lovely. And boring. And just what I needed.

Friday night we ordered pizza and started a card game of Hand and Foot with the kids. Saturday we finished it. We had a ball. I can’t remember the last time we sat down to play a game together.

For a long time we had a weekly family game night, but in the chaos of life we lost it. And until we sat down to play Friday night, I am not sure any of us realized just how much we had missed it.

So Saturday we all agreed and declared the return of our weekly Family Game Night every Monday. It’s back on.

And my favorite part? I got a text from Anne as I was on my way home Sunday evening from a staff outing. It said, “When u get home can we play 1 hand of hand and foot?”

Needless to say, we did, just to get a jump-start on this evening’s game.

We won’t talk about how Friday and Saturday’s game ended. But last night, Anne and I set ourselves up nicely as we look forward to finishing the game tonight. 🙂

If you don’t have specific time set aside to have fun with your family on a regular basis. Do it. Set it up. You won’t be sorry.

If you do a regular family fun night, what is it?

How did it get to be the first of October already? For that matter, how did it get to be the last quarter of 2012?

Jr. Comets cheer leading/football season is almost over. Only two more practices and one more game with my girls.

I am wearing a sweater today as the high temp is 66. What a difference from a month ago when we were still in the 90’s.

I watched my Jr. High daughter march in her first parade a week ago, and play with the GHS band at the football game Friday night.

Every day for the last (6 months?) week, my son has reminded me that he turns nine this Thursday and has his first sleepover birthday party on Friday.

Most of the time, life is so busy there is no time to notice how fast the time is going. But sometimes, it just hits me that in spite of (because of?) the busyness of life, time keeps moving. Faster and faster.

Never is this more evident than as our children’s birthdays approach. Wasn’t it just last month that I was caring for this 10 pound 1 ounce, 23 1/2 inch long baby (or toddler as my husband said I gave birth to)? Wasn’t it just last week that this rough-and-tumble toddler got stitches in his eyelid, bit through his tongue and got stitches in the top of his head in a three-month period of time? Wasn’t it just yesterday that we gave up teaching him how to ride a bike and he decided to get on it and ride away? When did his legs get so long that they hang off my lap? When did he get so strong?

I am blessed beyond words to be the mother of this little boy. I have learned much, including how to be more off-the-cuff and spur-of-the-moment, how to parent a less-compliant child whose heart is harder to pierce during times of discipline, how to look the other way when the daredevil in him kicks in, how to play light sabres, football and baseball, and more about Star Wars than I ever deemed possible.

So, as we approach 9 years with this not-so-little boy, I continue to look for those pockets of time to enjoy him now, like this morning as I woke him up for school singing to him, and the nights that he tucks me in and I get good snuggles, and the times he and I get an evening to ourselves, because time keeps moving and he keeps growing and it won’t be long and he will be moving on to start a life of his own. And I want to make sure that both he and I have great memories to look back on and a great relationship to build on in the years to come.

Happy Birthday, Ty! You are definitely my favorite little boy, ever!

I’ve been trying to write this blog post for days. And I can’t seem to do it. I have had multiple ideas, but none that have jumped out at me. I know the rule to writing is to just start writing and it will come, but with no starting point, I have been stuck.

Then add to my writer’s block a brain that is full (to overflowing) with schedules and to do lists that are ever-changing, filling up, and getting longer, and you get one overwhelmed Chrisy.

And I think the blocked is connected to the busy.

When I am busy, I have less and less time to feed my soul. I don’t get to read, fiction or non-fiction, for work or pleasure, I don’t get to have lengthy conversations about what is going on at home/work/in the world around me, and I don’t get quiet time to spend listening.

When you spend all your time pouring out and no time refilling, renewing, or being refreshed, there’s nothing left at the end of the day.

I’m tired of feeling that way, but I am not sure how to change it. Some things that are taking up my time are not of my choosing: school expectations outside of school hours, work activities that are on evenings and weekends. Other things I am choosing to do because of a specific call to do them, like coaching cheer leading. There are other things – the activities my kids want to do outside of school – that I could say no to, but it’s really only one activity each and they need to be able to do those things they enjoy.

So, I guess I have to find ways to refill, find pockets of time in the busy schedule, and listen in the midst of chaos so even in the midst of busy, I don’t have to be blocked.

Now, any ideas on how to make that happen? 🙂

I have high expectations, both for myself and for everyone else, in many areas of life. Most recently, I have been bombarded with just how high my expectations are when it comes to respect and responsibility.

It may come as no surprise to those of you who know me that harmony (I want everyone to just get along!) and responsibility (someone has to take care of everyone else, right?) are two of my top strengths. And since I am almost constantly wanting to keep everyone happy and cared for, I am doing my best to make sure I respect others, particularly those in authority, and making sure that I do my part and follow through with my commitments.

But what has happened to me a number of times lately is that I am not getting the respect that I am giving and/or other people just don’t do what they say they are going to do (or, let’s be honest, what I think they should be responsible to do). And when that happens, I feel hurt, angry, frustrated, sad, defeated, walked all over, and, well, you get the picture. And then I begin trying to analyze why people are the way they are. I have some theories. Here are the printable ones. 🙂

• At some point our society as a whole stopped teaching our children the value of respect and obedience. Instead of requiring obedience first, we started explaining every little thing to our children about why they needed to obey before we require them to do so. For example, my dad taught me that my children needed to understand the word “stop” and obey immediately upon hearing that word. When I tell them to stop, they don’t need to know why at that very moment, they just need to stop. If they are running toward the road and a car is coming, they have to stop as soon as I tell them to or risk getting hit by a car. If I have to explain why they need to stop every time I tell them to, there will be a time when it will be too late and they will already have been hit by a car. That doesn’t mean that there shouldn’t be any explanation, but it does mean that their first response to a command or request from a person in authority should be immediate obedience. (The exception to this is obviously if they are being asked to do something illegal, harmful, or dangerous.) While it is good to ask questions and understand why we do things, there is an appropriate and respectful way to do so.
• We are also failing our children in teaching them responsibility. So many parents do EVERYTHING for their kids. They aren’t made to clean their rooms, do their laundry, help with the household chores, keep track of their own homework, etc. The thing is, when we expect our kids to be responsible, they step up and learn responsibility. But when we do everything for them and never let them fail, they learn that someone else will always be taking responsibility for them, so they don’t have to be responsible.
• Then there’s the entitlement issue. The problem with raising children to be individuals instead of part of a community is everyone is looking out for number one, which means they are only going to be responsible for what they want for themselves and are going to demand respect for themselves without giving it to anyone else. When you live life looking out for your own best interest, and feeling like you are entitled to whatever it is you want, respect and responsibility for others never enters the picture.

I think that these issues play into all areas of our lives: our parenting, our relationships, our friendships, our work, our churches, our politics, etc.

When I am leading a group of kids and they won’t stop talking, it’s some lack of respect and some kids being kids. But when I am leading adults and they won’t stop talking (texting, checking their phones, Facebook, etc.), it is lack of respect. Period. And where do kids learn what they learn? From adults.

When kids forget to turn something in or show up to something they said they were going to show up to, it’s some irresponsibility and some kids being kids. When adults don’t do what they have committed to, it is lack of respect AND irresponsibility. Period. And where do kids learn what they learn? From adults.

Yes, there are extenuating circumstances sometimes. But communication about those circumstances shows respect and responsibility. Just not following through doesn’t show either.

Last week on Facebook, after another incident showing lack of respect and responsibility, I posted this,

“Two words no parent should ever let their child use: I quit. If you make a commitment, you stick to it and see it through to the end. And kids need to be taught that. And I’m afraid some parents do, too. My dad always taught me to be true to my word, which means finishing even if I don’t want to, if it is hard, or if it is inconvenient. And it means that I can be counted on to be truthful in what I say and do. If you are a parent, please teach this to your children! And whether or not you have children, make this true for yourself as well!”

I had quite a few people “like” this status. And that is great. But my challenge for you today is to do more than “like” this post. It is all well and good to agree. It is better if you make sure that you are treating others with respect and taking responsibility where you need to be. And that starts with our kids. And our relationships. And our friendships. And our work. And our churches. And our politics.

Be respectful. Be responsible.

Teach respect. Teach responsibility.

I think our world will be a better place when we all do this.

What do you think?

Yesterday at church, I realized that I can’t see. Not literally, of course, my physical eyes work just fine, but I realized I don’t always see things the way they really are.

Two examples of what I mean:

1) On Saturday, I spent about 7 hours watching football and cheerleaders. By the end of the time, I had a number of “notes” I was planning to give my girls at practice this week. They did a good job, but what I saw was the little things that needed improvement so they could be even better. And those things are true and do need work. But as I talked to a friend yesterday morning, she was relaying to me that she was very impressed with the girls and how well they did (and this comes from a former cheerleader and cheer coach). She even shared that some parents of the opposing team’s players told her how good our cheerleaders were, how they could hear them all the way across the field, and how they though our 7th and 8th grade squad was better than their freshman cheerleaders (proud coach moment – ATTA WAY GIRLS!!). This blew me away – not because I didn’t know that the girls were doing a great job, but because my focus was on how they could improve, more than how they were doing in the moment.

2) While talking to the same friend, she paid my daughter a compliment. She said she doesn’t “do” girls and would much rather spend time with the boys, but as she has had some opportunities to watch and be around Anne in the last week or so, she told me how impressed she is with her. She said things about how sweet and kind she is, how she is a calming influence on and hangs with the boys her age, and how she likes being around her. Here again, I know these things to be true, but often what I see is what I know she can be rather than what she is at the time. I am sure all parents do this: they want their child to be more mature, they could sit still better, they could be more outgoing, or better in math if they worked harder, or this, or that, or a million other things. In no way are we trying to devalue who they are right now, but we are so focused on raising them and helping them be the best they can be, we often don’t see them in the present.

Or perhaps I am generalizing something that is only true of me. In which case, you can completely disregard this post. 🙂

So today I am asking the Lord to open my eyes to the here and now. Yes, I still need to look to the future, it is my job to help cheerleaders get better and children grow up to be who God created them to be, but I don’t want to miss the good that is happening right now.

What do you need help to see?

I feel like I spend so much time in my house telling my one (or both) of my kids, “treat him the way you want to be treated, not the way he treated you!” Or, “you are not supposed to do back to her whatever bad thing she did do to you. You are supposed to be better to her!” Or, my favorite, “I wish you two would show more kindness to one another, rather than just being plain old mean and vicious!”

And then I get on Facebook. And sometimes I feel like I need to say the same things to half of the people in my news feed. Particularly these last couple of weeks.

I have even had some recent conversations with people (of the adult variety) where I had to say the same things to them that I say to my children. Obviously in a different and less parent-y way, but the same nonetheless.

So when I read this in my devotional time one evening last week, I really resonated with it, and subsequently wanted to personally share it with every human being that I know that needs to hear these words. But then I would be doing exactly what I despise and behaving in the exact ways that this passage tells me not to. So instead, I have just been meditating on it and how it applies to me and how I live my life. The passage is found in 1 Peter 3:8-17:

⁸ Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. ⁹ Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. ¹⁰ For,

“Whoever would love life
and see good days
must keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from deceitful speech.
¹¹ He must turn from evil and do good;
he must seek peace and pursue it.
¹² For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their prayer,
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

¹³ Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? ¹⁴ But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. “Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened.” ¹⁵ But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, ¹⁶ keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. ¹⁷ It is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

Powerful words about the power of our words and actions. Promises of blessing when we do right and when we are eager to do good.

I know it is hard when someone says something mean (and possibly untrue) about you. Our natural tendency is to defend ourselves, which is where we tend to get into trouble. In the process of defending ourselves, we can sometimes end up repaying “evil with evil or insult with insult.”

But as Christians, we are told to repay evil and insult with blessing. In Matthew 5:44, Jesus tells us to “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

That means no matter what is done to you or said about you, you don’t get to retaliate in like manner and get away with it. That means that you are called to a higher level of action, even when it hurts. Even when it is devastating. Even when it seems impossible to do so.

And you can, because “what is impossible with men is possible with God.” (Luke 18:27)

Can you imagine if all of those who claim to be followers of Christ would actually act this way? Can you imagine the change in the social climate? The political scene? The neighborhood park? The nation’s schools? The workplace?

What would it be like if everyone repaid evil with blessing? It would be a much better world than the one in which we currently live. May it start with me.

How do you react to this idea? What ways could you implement this into your life more fully?

Ever have those days where you feel like no one cares about the things you care about?

I am having one of those weeks.

And what’s sad about it is the thing I am most obsessed with right now is the fact that no one seems to care about keeping the house clean but me.

And then I go through the “why bother” stage myself since even when I attempt to keep things in order, five minutes later someone spills something, throws the pillows off the couch, tracks dirt in the house, or decides that it takes emptying the entire dresser of clothing to find one thing to wear.

And then I get mad. And ugly. Because I want someone to care besides me. I want someone else to want to come home to a clean and tidy house. And the thing is, they all like it when it is clean and tidy, but they don’t want to do the work necessary to make it (or keep it) that way.

There’s the huffs from the husband when you ask him to help. There’s the tears from the kids when you tell them, “No, your room is not even close to clean yet.” And frankly, I don’t know which I hate worse – the mess or the hassle of dealing with people who don’t get it.

But then I have to ask myself, is this how the Lord feels about my heart? Are there times when He is trying to keep it cleaned up and I am not doing my part? And the answer is, “probably.”

And in the midst of that, does God get frustrated with me? No, he offers grace.

And since I am to be like Christ, I need to offer grace as well.

So as I clean my house today (with the “help” of my children), I will remember that the grace I receive I also need to give.

(And I will continue to hope and pray that one day my children will learn how to keep their rooms clean. Before they move out of my house.)

What are the areas of your life where you need to be reminded to offer grace?