Category: Listening

Before the Throne

On the way to church yesterday, I heard this song on the radio. I have heard it many times, but it hit me again just what an amazing gift that I have been given – the grace and love of the God of the universe.

You have also been given this gift, all you have to do is accept it.

 

Before the Throne
Shane and Shane

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea:
A great High Priest, whose name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart;
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look, and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Praise the One,
Risen Son of God!

Behold Him there, the Risen Lamb
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I am,
The King of glory and of grace!
One with Himself I cannot die
My soul is purchased by His blood
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God

The Next Chapter

Yesterday I turned 40.

I know, I don’t look 40, you don’t need to flood the comments with that very obvious statement. 😉

So many people dread that number, that age.

Now that I am there, I am not sure why.

Is it a realization that life moves quickly? I see that in my kids, I don’t need 40 to tell me.

Is it a fear of getting old? I don’t need to fear that! I will stay as young as I want to!

Is it regret of how life has been lived to this point? I can’t say I have any major regrets.

What is it that makes people dread 40?

I read this devotion a couple of weeks ago and loved the sentiment behind it.

Devotion from Guideposts

I love the way he ended this, “What better age to begin again to make the world right, to reach out, to give, to defend God’s rightness?”

Forty isn’t an ending of “being young;” it isn’t time to decide to give up because you might not have achieved everything you wanted to by age 40; it isn’t a time to worry and fret about being old.

Every day is an opportunity to look forward, to start a new chapter, to do something you haven’t done before, or get better at something you have. Every day is “fresh with no mistakes in it” and awaiting you to “contribute a verse.”

Every day. Including the one on which you turn 40.

O Me! O Life!
Walt Whitman

Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?
                                       Answer.
That you are here—that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.
(Italics Mine)

Ashes to Ashes

Today is Ash Wednesday. It marks the start of the 40-day period known as Lent that leads to Easter Sunday. It is typically a time of prayer and fasting and represents the 40 days that Jesus spent fasting in the wilderness before beginning His earthly ministry.

On Ash Wednesday, ashes (from the palms used the previous Palm Sunday) are placed in the shape of a cross on the forehead of believers. During the application of the ashes, the priest, minister, or assigned lay leader will give these words:

Remember that thou art dust, and to dust thou shalt return. (Genesis 3:19)

Repent, and believe the Gospel. (Mark 1:15).

It is a time of confession and repentance, a time of remembering just how much God has done for us so that we might be saved.

I visited a friend of mine today to receive the ashes and this is one of the prayers that she shared with me:

O Lord my God, You know me better than I know myself. And I come before you now, admitting my deep need of You, for I am lost without your grace. Search me, O God, and know my heart, test me and know my troubled thoughts. Give me true repentance. Forgive me all my wrongs. Transform me by Your Spirit to live for You each day, to love and serve others, and, through the grace of Jesus Christ my Lord, to come at last to heaven. Amen.

I encourage you to spend some time today praying this prayer, or one like it. And I share with you these Words of Assurance and Pardon:

Hear the Good News. The LORD, our God, is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love (Joel 2:13). God hears the earnest cries of the repentant and forgives our sins. Return to the Lord your God. Turn toward our God in the confidence that, through Jesus Christ, your sins are forgiven.

Amen.

ashes

Princesses Galore

This weekend I was privileged to be one of the 25,000 runners at the Walt Disney World Princess Half-Marathon. It was my 12th half marathon since I started running in 2007. It was wonderful. The weather was hot, but overcast so the sun didn’t make it unbearable. We dressed in our best princess attire and had so much fun!

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One of the best moments of the race was as we exited Cinderella’s castle and were headed out of Magic Kingdom and I found myself overwhelmed to the point of tears as I pulled out my phone and typed this note:

As a Daughter of the King, and thus a true princess, I am overwhelmed as I see His princesses of all shapes, sizes, colors, economic classes, and more running, walking, being healthy, challenging themselves, smiling, struggling, loving themselves and one another, giving encouragement and just enjoying the gift that is life and health.

We all ran that race for different reasons, we all had a different experience, we all come from different backgrounds, but there is something beautiful about the gathering of God’s creation to celebrate and encourage one another through a challenge.

And this is how we should be approaching life as well. Celebrating it. Building one another up. Helping one another along. Enjoying it. Watching the sights and people around us. Embracing it. Crying as we cross certain “finish lines” together. Truly living in community.

Are you living in community? You need to be. Find one. Make one. You won’t be sorry.

Tidbits

I have been reading a book called Evolving in Monkey Town by Rachel Held Evans, a story of her “journey from certainty to faith,” and I can’t put it down. I have been reading Rachel’s blog for quite some time, and resonate with much of what she writes, so when she made an appearance at Greenville College recently, I was quick to make sure my schedule allowed me to go and hear her speak. There have been so many tidbits of great insight and information that I have encountered, I thought I would share a few of my favorites with you.

  • Faith isn’t faith if you are certain. There has to be an element of doubt for faith to truly be faith.
  • Fake it ’til you make it – keep choosing to believe even when you don’t feel it and doubt is threatening to speak louder than faith.
  • We could be wrong. God may need to change our minds, so we need to make sure we hold on to our belief with an open hand rather than a tightly closed fist.
  • “This is why I try to keep an open mind about the monkeys, and it’s why I consider myself an evolutionist–not necessarily of the scientific variety but of the faith variety. Just as living organisms are said to evolve over  time, so faith evolves, on both a personal and a collective level. Spiritual evolution explains why Christianity has thrived while other ancient religions have perished. It explains why our brothers and sisters in rural Zimbabwe and those in the Greek Orthodox Church can worship the same God but in much different ways. Christianity never could have survived the ebb and flow of time, much less its own worldwide expansion, had God not created it with the innate ability to adapt to changing environments. The same versatility that allowed Paul to become all things to all people applies to the church collectively. The ability of the body of Christ to change–to grow fins when it needs to swim and wings when it needs to fly–has preserved it for over two thousand years, despite countless predictions of its imminent demise.”
  • “Evolution means letting go of our false fundamentals so that God can get into those shadowy places we’re not sure we want him to be. It means being okay with being wrong, okay with not having all the answers, okay with never being finished.”
  • “…I was taught that the Bible served as a guidebook for Christian dating and marriage, but no one ever suggested that my father had the right to sell me to the highest bidder or to take multiple wives, like Abraham. Homosexuality was preached against incessantly, but little was said of gluttony or greed. We decried the death of each aborted baby as a violation of the sanctity of human life, but shrugged off the deaths of Iraqi children as expected collateral damage in a war against evil. We celebrated archeological finds that supported the historical claims of the Bible yet discounted massive amounts of scientific evidence in support of an old earth.”
  • “…Jesus rarely framed discipleship in terms of intellectual assent to a set of propositional statements. he didn’t walk new converts down the Romans Road or ask Peter to draft a doctrinal statement before giving him the keys to the kingdom. His method of evangelism varied from person to person and generally involved a dramatic change of lifestyle rather than a simple change of mind. To Jesus, “by faith alone” did not mean “by belief alone.” To Jesus, faith was invariably linked to obedience.”
  • “Being a Christian, it seemed, isn’t about agreeing to a certain way; it is about embodying a certain way. It is about living as an incarnation of Jesus, as Jesus lived as an incarnation of God. It is about being Jesus…in tennis shoes.”
  • “Some Christians are more offended by the idea of everyone going to heaven than by the idea of everyone going to hell.”
  • “Dan always says that as soon as you think you’ve got God figured out, you can bet on the fact that you’re wrong.”
  • “‘We do know that no person can be saved except through Christ,’ [C.S. Lewis] wrote in Mere Christianity. ‘We do not know that only those who know Him can be saved by Him.'”
  • “We are not saved by information. We are saved by restored relationship with God, which might look a little different from person to person, culture to culture, time to time.”
  • “When we require that all people must say the same words or subscribe to the same creeds in order to experience God, we underestimate the scope and power of God’s activity in the world…From the first covenant with Abraham to the vision of John at Patmos, salvation has always been described in terms of a blessing for the entire world, not just and exclusive privilege for a select group of people. The “election,” first of Israel and then of the church, is not a spiritual condition but a vocational calling, a calling to serve the rest of the world, inviting others to join the kingdom of God.”
  • “All I know is that if the God of the Bible is true, he loves his creation and will do whatever it takes to restore it.”
  • “We’ve got our way of dealing fairly with our enemies, and God has his. Our way involves retaliation and punishment; his way involves forgiveness. Our way involves equal justice; his way involves disproportionate grace. our way is to make someone pay with blood; his way is to bleed. Even when Jesus hung on the cross, when God had been insulted to the highest degree imaginable, left naked, humiliated, beaten and bruised, he said, ‘Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.'”
  • “God’s ways are higher than our ways not because he is less compassionate than we are but because he is more compassionate than we can ever imagine.”
  • “In India, I was introduced to the kingdom of heaven–not as it exists in some future state but as it exists in the here and now, where the hungry are fed with both physical and spiritual bread, where the sick are saved from both their diseases and their sins, where an illiterate widow taught me more about faith than any theologian ever could, and where children from the slums sing with God. In India, I learned that the gospel is still special. Jesus still matters and can make a difference in people’s lives. I guess that’s close enough to spiritual awakening.”
  • “I’m afraid that just as wealth and privilege can be a stumbling block on the path to the gospel, theological expertise and piety can also get in the way of the kingdom.”
  • “When we cling to our beliefs as children cling to their favorite toys, it is hard for Jesus to take us by the hand and lead us somewhere new.”
  • “Jesus drank wine with sexual deviants. He committed major social taboos. he spent a lot of time among contagious people, crazy people, uneducated people, and smelly people. His famous cousin wore camel-hair and ate locusts and honey. Those most familiar with Scripture called his views heretical, and his own family questioned his sanity. Jesus introduced new teachings not found in the Scriptures and claimed his authority came directly from God. he asked his disciples to sell all their “blessings” and follow him, when doing so could get them excommunicated from the faith or even killed. He was too liberal, too radical, and too demanding. To tell you the truth, I’m not sure that I would have followed the guy, and that really scares me sometimes.”
  • “In India, I learned that among Hindus, the goal of reincarnation is to be reborn into nobler circumstances. And in India, I learned that in the kingdom of God, the goal is to reborn into humbler ones.”
  • “‘God’s kingdom in the preaching of Jesus refers not to postmortem destiny, not to our escape from this world into another one, but God’s sovereign rule coming ‘on earth as it is in heaven.’…heaven, in the Bible, is not a future destiny but the other, hidden dimension of our ordinary life–God’s dimension, if you like. God made heaven and earth; at the last he will remake both and join them together forever.’ According to [N.T.] Wright, participants in the early church understood that the ultimate goal wasn’t to die, leave their bodies behind, and float around like ghosts in heaven forever but rather to embody, anticipate, and work toward a new kingdom.”
  • “Perhaps being a Christian isn’t about experiencing the kingdom of heaven someday but about experiencing the kingdom of heaven every day.”
  • “Sometimes when I want to put myself in [my gay and Christian friend] Adele’s shoes, I imagine an alternate universe in which Christians have chosen a different biblical condemnation upon which to fixate, such as women uncovering their heads or people getting tattoos. I imagine TV preachers claiming that 9/11 happened as a result of God’s wrath on the gossipers and the greedy, and churches raising funds to support an amendment to the constitution making remarriage illegal for people who are divorced. I imagine people carrying signs that say ‘God Hates Gluttons’ or ‘Stone Disobedient Children,’ and I think to myself, Boy, I’m glad we didn’t pick ‘lifestyle sins’ like materialism or judgmentalism to obsess about, because if we had, I’d totally be screwed.”

I am not quite finished with the book, but as you can see, it is having a profound impact on my way of thinking. I hope you won’t just read my quotes and forget about it, but that you will really think about these things, pick up the book, pick up your Bible, and search out what it means to really follow Jesus in the way that He intended.

Beyond

Ephesians 3:20 says this:

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. (The Message)

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, (NIV)

Glory to God, who is able to do far beyond all that we could ask or imagine by his power at work within us; (CEB)

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, (KJV)

(Italics Mine)

I am sitting here today in awe of this God I serve who continues to do beyond all I could ask or imagine.

From hearing my dreams and desires, to providing for our needs, from comforting us in times of sorrow, to fulfilling his promises, God is good.

Sometimes while we are waiting for God’s purposes to be revealed and fulfilled, things look bleak. But in those moments we have a choice, rely on Him and His promises, or rely on ourselves. But the thing is, between the two options, God is the only one with a proven track record.

Once again in our lives God has proven Himself faithful. He has not only brought about a change that we could never have anticipated, He has brought it about in a way that addresses multiple desires that He has placed in my heart.

Beyond all that I could have asked or imagined.

That doesn’t mean there isn’t still work for Him to do, because there is, but I can’t and won’t be anxious about it because I have seen, yet again, how He loves us and gives us what is best for us at the exact right time.

If you are waiting for God to fulfill His promises to you, to give you the desires that He has placed in your heart, don’t give up. Don’t try to take things into your own hands. Just remember these verses, He can and will do beyond all you can ask or imagine. Keep believing.

Overwhelmed

I hope you are in on it.

What is “it,” you ask?

“It” is what God is doing.

He’s up to something.

Something good.

He is calling His people to draw near to Him and hear His voice.

He is stirring up His people to step out in faith and follow His leading.

Even when it is scary.

Even when there are questions about what, when, where and how, because we already know the why.

The why is simple. We love God and we love people.

That is the underlying reason for everything we do.

That has to be the underlying reason.

And as I talk to people, I see that underlying reason in everything they do.

The thing is, when that is the foundation of your action, you can’t help but be overwhelmed with this love that is flowing out of you, and you can’t help but follow where the Lord leads.

There are times that the prospect of where we are heading may feel overwhelming, but really it’s not because God’s the one working it out, we are just partnering with Him as He works.

I hope you are in on it.

Overwhelming as it is.

Let’s run!

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Italics mine.)

If…Then

I spent the entire day watching a conference that I was unable to attend in Austin, Texas this weekend. I am grateful for technology and for the idea to include people all around the world by streaming the conference and leaving it up through midnight two days later.

The conference was called IF:Gathering.

If you have ever attended a conference, you know that by the end of the conference, you are typically on information overload, and this one was no different.

But the information was so good! I took page after page of notes! I was challenged. I was enlightened. I was moved. I was encouraged.

One of the questions being asked is this: If our God is real, then what does that mean for us, how does it change our lives and the lives of those around us.

There are so many ways in which the reality of our God should be impacting our lives. We shouldn’t be able to sit in our comfortable houses, with our favorite toys, eating our rich foods and be content with that. We shouldn’t be able to spend all of our time with those who look, act, and believe just like us and think that is okay.

If our God is real, and if He has truly impacted our lives, we should be serving Him in ways that are outside of our comfort zone. We should be doing things that we don’t fully know how to do. We should be caring for people for whom we don’t fully know how to care. We should be taking steps out onto the water trusting that God will hold up our feet and not let us drown as long as our eyes are on Him.

We should be wrecked if we are trying to live a comfortable life, because of the knowledge that we aren’t fully devoted to serving the One who gave His life for our sin and rose from the dead so that we can live.

So I ask you, if your God is real, how does that play out in your life?

Eating is Different for Everyone

This is a post written by a good friend and “adopted” daughter of mine. You can read it and more on her blog. Here she shares some of her struggle with and freedom from an eating disorder. If you or someone you love struggles with an eating disorder, ask for help.

Have you ever found yourself staring in the mirror, thinking why me? Why am I the one who has big hips? Why am I the one that has this inconvenient zit on the tip on my nose on the day I have an important interview? Why am I the one who is the biggest out of all of my friends? Why can’t I be beautiful? Why can’t I be enough? If you are anything like me, you’ve been there. You know what it’s like to not feel skinny enough, pretty enough, or worthy enough to have any sort of value. I get it, I’ve been there, I understand. This week I have been compelled to speak and respond to the issue of eating disorders and the common misconceptions that are often made due to people’s lack of knowledge.

This week, February 23 through March 1, is NEDAweek. A week that has been set aside to dispel the misconceptions and myths about eating disorders and the connotations that come along with this mental health issue. This year, the theme is, “I Had No Idea.” This theme has been set in place to raise awareness about the effects that eating disorders have on people’s lives and the significant damage that could be done while someone is battling this disorder. A statistic from the NEDA website states that 30 million people will be impacted by an eating disorder at some point in their life. 30 million people. Your mom. Your friend. Your little brother. Your big sister. Your uncle. Your teacher. All of these people may be impacted by this harmful and life draining disorder. How will you respond? How will you handle it? Will you even know it’s slowly killing them?

As a college senior who is about to graduate, I have been wrestling with what to do with this pressing issue that God has placed on my heart to speak out about. While I am really good at speaking to people about things that I believe to be true or about opinions that I hold with high value, there is one thing that I have remained silent about for many years.

I have been on a journey for most of my life that has been filled with several highs, lows, twists, turns, times of celebration, times of mourning, moments where I am motivated to seek help, and times that I am committed to stay in my little rut because it’s the most comfortable place.

By now I am sure that you are assuming this is going to be another blog post that has a writer who is seeking your sympathy and in need of your pity; but it’s not. I have been participating in NEDAweek this week on Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr. I have used this week to reflect on the past, to explore the present, and to gain hope for the future. While I am still processing, learning, and accepting things in my own life, I have felt the need to speak truth and to bring a message of hope to those who are in the midst of struggle and in need of someone to say, “I get and I understand where you are coming from, but hold on, because it gets better.”

I invite you to walk along side of me as I tell you about my journey. I’ve come to realize that the more we speak what is true, the more we understand the process that is taking place within us.

With that I am going to share my story of redemption and hope; these two things that have gone hand in hand as I explore the freedom and peace that comes with recovery. Know that the picture of a person struggling with an eating disorder that is in your head is not always accurate. Skinny or large, boy or girl, young or old, all of these people are affected by this issue. It’s not limited to the skinny girl who is in her teens. Set all of your assumptions and stereotypes aside. Who knows, by letting go of those you may just save the life of someone crying out for help.

Growing up I was a bit of a girly girl. I loved princesses and all things pink. (Those of you who know me, some things never change). Glitter was a must, and frills and clicky shoes just like my mom’s were a necessity. I loved to dress up and spend hours singing into my hairbrush to the latest songs on the radio. I was a little girl who was in love with dressing up and performing. For the most part, that’s how I spent my early years. I never realized that I was different from everyone else, until my cousin took me shopping one afternoon and took me straight to the little boys’ section to buy jeans, because I wasn’t going to fit into the cute girly jeans with glitter and designs on the pockets.

I remember crying in the dressing room because I wanted to be skinnier and smaller, because I wasn’t going to agree to wear those ugly boy jeans to school. People would know, because all of the other little girls were wearing cute jeans. This is when I was sent down a path of struggle, disappointment, and silence.

At just the age of 8, I knew that I wasn’t skinny enough to fit into clothes like all the other girls; I knew that there was something wrong with me, and I didn’t understand what all that was. Why was I feeling so bad about not being skinny? I had heard in church time and time again that God makes all of us in our own unique way and we should be happy with that.

As time progressed, I started changing who I was by changing the type of clothing that I was wearing. Looking at it now it’s so silly, but then I didn’t have to worry about the size of my jeans and could wear bright-colored pants that didn’t have a number or a boy fit to them.  I would wear athletic sweat pants to school everyday, and had every color of Adidas shoes to match the sporty brightly colored pants that I owned. (Some of us have more than one awkward phase, so if you’re like me and have more than one, I feel you there).

When I reached the end of my elementary years, my mom started having me go to Curves with her. I didn’t just hate it; I really, really, really hated it. I was forced to walk on a board and use equipment with women who were double my age. They would all praise me for working out at such a young age and would often make comments about how tight and muscular my calves were. They were supportive and encouraging and my mom just wanted me to get in the habit of working out, but I was so negative and unpleasant about the experience that it caused me to have a bitter taste in my mouth about exercising and all things weight related. I would go week after week for weigh in’s and watch my skinny mom drop the inches and pounds, as I stayed the same and gained weight, because they said muscle weighs more than fat. I wasn’t meeting the weight goals and the inches were staying on my hips and thighs. I didn’t get it. I was there often working out, against my will, and still no results.

I entered middle school, (look out, here comes another awkward phase) where I was in a new place with new peers and teachers. My tiny little class met up in middle school with several other elementary schools to make up one middle school. There were so many new opportunities and experiences to be had in this exciting and terrifying environment. There was basketball, volleyball, and cheerleading, scholar bowl and so many clubs.

When time came for cheerleading tryouts, I knew for certain that I wanted to be one. I loved to cheer and the idea of wearing an obnoxious bow all the time sounded so appealing to me. Well, I tried out and I didn’t make it. It was by far the most awful and embarrassing experience that had happened in my 12 years of life. I didn’t make the one thing that I really wanted. What was wrong with me?

Well, as every preteen girl does, I came up with a million different reasons as to why I didn’t make the team. The two that I really held on to were, one: that I am not skinny enough and two: that I am not pretty enough. All of the other girls who made the team were super skinny and beautiful. I had figured it out. I wasn’t like them and because of that I didn’t make the team of skinny and pretty girls.

My parents were so supportive and encouraging. Sending flowers to the house for me and letting me know that I would always be their cheerleader. While it was sweet and the flowers were beautiful, I was so upset that I didn’t make the team. In my best efforts to get over it, I decided that I would try out for basketball.

In the week that passed after cheerleading tryouts, I began to skip breakfast and lunch at school, but would eat dinner at home in the evenings. I don’t know about you, but running mountain sprints on an empty stomach was not one of the best choices that I have made in life.  As we were doing drills and running a lot, I suddenly became really dizzy and sick to my stomach. I asked the coach if I could take a break. Of course, he said yes and I headed upstairs to my social studies teacher’s room. I was lying on the floor and telling her that I wasn’t feeling well. She made me get up and sit on the stool next to her. She handed me a bag of Teddy Grahams and told me I had 3 minutes to tell her what was going on.

In those three minutes, (which by the way, felt like hours) I remained silent and didn’t say a word. Finally after waiting for a while, I told her that I had been skipping meals and the expectations that were set for basketball tryouts weren’t fitting well with my eating habits. I begged her not to tell my parents and she finally agreed, only after I promised I would eat every meal.

As the weeks passed by, she would periodically come down into the lunch room and walk by, not saying a word, but making sure that I had a tray and that I was actually eating the food that was placed on it.

Looking back on that year, I am reminded of the constant struggle of wanting to please my teacher and desperately wanting to be skinny and pretty. It was a struggle that would follow me throughout the remaining days of seventh grade and into eighth grade, where things began to pick up and the habit would be formed.

There was this little part inside of me that wanted to stop this secret life that I was living, but another part of me loved the control and the thrill of hiding it from those who were closest to me.

I entered high school with this habitual behavior. I lived this life of devotion to the God of the universe and a worshipper of a disorder that was quickly taking over my life. From the outside, I looked like I had my life together. I had sensed a call the summer before my freshman year to enter into full-time ministry and was devoted to studying and learning about God and His will. I didn’t go to parties, I didn’t get in trouble, and I was certainly not struggling; true Christians don’t struggle.

Inside, I was literally hungry all the time, disappointed in my looks often, and engrossed in this idea of being perfect. I didn’t want people to see my struggle, because then maybe they would get the wrong idea of God and that’s the last thing that I wanted to do.

While daily it was a struggle, I had to keep up my image. I didn’t want people to catch on. I made sure not to change my eating habits around my family. I would still eat when my mom cooked and would often eat snacks to keep my cover, but would later feel so guilty.

I was in this sick cycle of perfection, lies and fakeness. I would strive daily to look a certain way. That messy bun on top of my head had to be perfect, or I would spend half the morning fixing it, and if my bow didn’t look right or the color was off, I would stress until I achieved what I was in need of.

These behaviors continued to happen and I began to get really good at hiding things and covering up when people started to catch on. It became a game, a thrill of sorts. This would continue and eventually lead me to my junior year of high school, where I yet again tried out for cheerleading.

This time, there is a better ending to the cheerleading tryout fiasco. I made the squad and was so excited. I was finally going to be a cheerleader and all of my work had finally paid off. This time, I had finally achieved my goal, and I thought that maybe this time I would fit in and everything would be great.

Wrong! All of the cheerleaders were skinny and flexible and had been together since seventh grade. As the season went on, I started being more focused on what I looked like and how I fit into the uniform than anything else. I was forgetting why I wanted to be a cheerleader. I was focusing on the looks and not the joy of cheering that I had fallen in love with.

Around the same time, I joined an ecumenical choir that was devoted to making Christ known and letting God’s truth reign in the lives of its members. I met some of the most incredible Jesus loving, truth-seeking, and humble people. Over the next two years, they would pour out wisdom and speak truth that caused me to think about my life and the need to let go.

I would continue to live this double life of perfection and brokenness. I would continue to do behaviors that were unhealthy all the while trying to live the perfect life. I finished high school still struggling, still broken, and still in need of help.

Coming to Greenville College was a step in the right direction. I was placed in the middle of a small town where I was forced to understand what it means to live in true community. It was a transforming experience that allowed me to grow in ways that I never thought possible.

I had friends, professors, and community members that showed me God’s love. While the concept of God’s love has been one that I have yet to fully understand, I am resting in the fact that these people were placed in my life to allow me to see truth.

They sat with me and held me as I cried, reminded me that eating is a good and healthy thing, and showed me grace and love on the days when I didn’t feel like getting better. While I still didn’t want the world to know, I began to open up to a select group of people who began to work with me and process this dark cycle of pain that I had been living in for so long.

I progressively got better. I began to see food as necessary and started to forget that eating was such a huge issue. I watched this redemption story take place right before my eyes and somewhere between 2010 and now, I had this transforming experience that has caused me to seek truth, understand true beauty, and to embrace the life and body that God has given me.

Today I stand before a life of opportunity and freedom. While I am nowhere near completely healed, I am slowly making my way to a spot of acceptance. I have allowed myself to be given grace on the days when I am too overwhelmed and don’t feel like doing ministry.

To the people in my life who have loved, supported, and have never given up on me, I owe you so much. You have allowed me to understand things in new ways and have explained the importance of honoring my body so that I can honor Christ in all that I do. Thank you. Thank you so much for being Christ to me and for loving me when I was the hardest to love. You have shown me what it means to sit in the trenches with people who are struggling. It brings tears to my eyes to know that you all are in the real world or soon to be, and you are changing lives daily.

While I am in a better place now than what I was 10 years ago, it is still a daily struggle to choose freedom. I have to remind myself on the daily that eating is a part of life and it’s okay. I have to remind myself that I am a woman of Valor and that I have worth, I matter, and someday I will be speaking truth to those who are in need of hope.

There are days where I don’t eat and I choose to sit in a rut and allow myself to dwell on the past. I sit and think about how much farther I have to go before I am truly free of this. But, then I am reminded of what I have come from. I’ve grown so much. I’ve learned what joy and hope and redemption and grace can do for one’s soul, and I am truly content with not being okay some days because that causes me to have to rely on my community.

So, I say to those of you who are in need of a message of hope, take time to seek out people and talk about what is going on in your life. It’s not okay to suffer in silence. While you may feel like the only one, 30 million people will be affected by an eating disorder in their lifetime. You’re not alone. You aren’t the only and there is hope in the grace and peace that only comes when we fully decide to allow Christ to transform our lives.

It’s okay not to be perfect. It’s okay to need to rely on community. It’s okay my friend. It’s okay. Don’t dwell in the past, but instead dwell in the present. Get help, ask for guidance, and seek truth.

In honor of NEDAWeek, I hope that you all take time to pray for those who are stuck in this vicious cycle. It’s something that is often not talked about and there is a real need for honesty and surrender. If this is you, ask someone to pray for you and seek out someone who has gone through this before.

You are loved, you are valued, and you are cared for by this community. While these words have become my benediction for Vespers, I pray that this week and throughout the rest of your lives, you will see that you are loved, you are valued, and you are cared for by your community. God allows us to experience community to grow and learn with each other.

My faith has been rocked by the soul fact that when I come to the scriptures, I am reading it through the lenses of a girl who has struggled and is in need of this God who is far greater than any eating disorder. I’ve brought my struggles before the Lord and have asked him to place people in my path that will help me grow and learn, so that I can do the same in return. When we see how God shines His light on this topic, we begin to understand the true redemption story. Christ came into this world, so that we may have freedom. Freedom from sin and bondage. If you don’t understand what that means, I encourage you to ask someone. There is something so beautiful about honesty and

Vulnerability.

Let this not be a conversation that lasts 10 minutes, let it spark a talk that leads people to truth and freedom and ultimately Christ, because in the end, He makes all things beautiful in due time.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Back to life, back to reality, this is what has been going through my head all morning. (And to all of you who are now singing the song by the same name, you are welcome.)

The kids are back in school after more than three weeks off – two for Christmas and another one for snow. Cheer practice starts back up tonight, games tomorrow and Thursday, homework, and juggling schedules begins again. Back to normal life.

And then there is the reality portion of the show. My job has been eliminated. I am unemployed for the first time in more than 13 years. I am not going back to work as the kids go back to school.

Sigh.

Now what?

Lord, really, now what?

I have been in a place of listening for quite some time and don’t have a clear word yet.

So, I guess the now what is to keep listening.

But waiting is hard for me. I don’t do “nothing” well. So in the midst of listening, I have to learn to wait, too.

So I guess my new reality is waiting and listening for now.

I know God is at work and is up to something good.

I just have to wait and listen for His cue to move on to the next new reality.

Are you waiting and listening for something new from the Lord?