Listening – Page 6 – Daughter of the King

Spare the Rod…

Discipline. Such a tricky topic.

Proverbs 13:24 (NIV) says:

Whoever spares the rod hates their children,
but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.

Many people tend to get hung up on the “spare the rod” part of this verse. Some because they believe spanking is a necessary part of discipline, and some because they do not think spanking is a good idea. The Message says it this way:

A refusal to correct is a refusal to love;
love your children by disciplining them.

Rather than thinking in terms of corporal punishment, it is better to think in terms of correction and discipline, and what our stance on correction and discipline says about us to our children.

From a very young age, it has been important to my husband and I to make sure that we handled discipline for our children well. Discipline is necessary if we are going to teach our children responsibility. Discipline is necessary to show children that there are consequences for their actions. We are living in a world where no one wants to take responsibility for their actions and live with their consequences. I think that this is tied directly to the fact that as children, many weren’t taught to be responsible for their actions and understand the concept of consequences.

In addition, children will never learn obedience to God if they have never learned obedience to their parents.

One of the key pieces in discipline for me has been getting my children to understand what they did wrong, why it was wrong, and why discipline and consequences are necessary. Or in a shorter way, getting to the heart of my children.

The interesting thing is that all children are different and it takes different methods to get to their heart. One of my children is very repentant and it doesn’t take much to get confession and repentance. The other one takes a bit longer to get there. (I’ll leave it up to you to decide which is which.)

There have been some constants in the way our family approaches discipline:

The bathroom is the “neutral” zone of the house and where we meet to talk. This way the location isn’t a bedroom or common family area, and we can go back to regular life in the rest of the house.
If spanking was warranted, we used a wooden spoon, rather than our hands, and explained that the spoon was a tool we were using for discipline, rather than our own self. We had a 3-swat maximum. And that was only for the worst offense, which in our house is lying.
Before spanking or handing out consequences, there is always a discussion time where the child has to tell us what they did wrong, why it was wrong, and ask for forgiveness. Then the parent talks with them about the offense, explains why discipline is necessary from a Biblical standpoint and a relational standpoint (both between us and the child and God and the child).
Then the swat(s) or consequences come.
After that is a (long) time of loving on the child, voicing forgiveness, telling that from that point on that they are forgiven and we were moving forward.
Then we leave the bathroom and are done with it, hopefully with some heart change on the part of the child so that we didn’t have to come back to the bathroom for the same issue.

(Note: Now that our children are 11 and nearly 14, spanking is not the discipline of choice, and even before that, spanking was used rarely; likely because discipline was happening all day every day as we taught them right and wrong, so we often didn’t get to that point.)

But not every child or every offense is so cut-and-dry. That’s where you have to get creative. That’s where you have to understand your child and what makes them tick. That is where you have to call out to God for guidance because frankly, sometimes, you have NO FREAKING CLUE how to get to the heart of your child.

Some children respond well to grounding. Some don’t. Some children need a challenge to work for rather than consequences to avoid. Some children need to talk it out. Some children don’t. Some children respond well to discussion and are immediately repentant. Some children get angry and need some time to cool off and think before they are able to be repentant.

The only constant about discipline is that it is necessary. We must provide discipline and correction for our children. It is required.

But everything else about how you do it has to be somewhat flexible based on the child, the offense, and the parent.

If you know you have a tendency to get out of control angry at your child, spanking is probably not a good form of discipline for you to use.

If you know that you have a tendency to talk things to death and your child zones out about 10 seconds into your talk, then perhaps you need to adjust the way you discipline them.

If you keep having to discipline your child for the same offense over and over and you aren’t getting anywhere, then the consequences probably need to change, as well as the way you are handling the discipline.

Like I said at the beginning, this is a tough subject. But it is a necessary one. Because we are molding our children’s hearts, not just their behavior. And heart change is lasting change.

Resources that have helped me in the area of discipline:

Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Ted Tripp
Creative Correction, Lisa Whelchel

Born to Fly

I haven’t done a Monday Music during my October 31-Days, but this week and next I want to share with you songs that are my songs for my kids. These are the songs that when I hear them, I think of my kids.

Today is my song for Anne.

I remember listening to this song as we drove into town on the way home from the hospital with her and just being joyful and teary-eyed all at the same time.

I want the best for her. I want her to find her wings and fly. I want her to embrace who God created her to be, and find the peace that comes with that. I want to see her succeed, not in the way the world defines success, but in the way that God defines success. And I know that as she continues to grow, this will bring moments of letting go for me that will be bittersweet. There will also be moments that she wants to get going on this life of hers, and it won’t quite be time. But in the end, I know she will fly, because that is what she was born to do.

Born To Fly
Sara Evans

I’ve been tellin’ my dreams to the scarecrow
‘Bout the places that I’d like to see
I said, friend do you think I’ll ever get there
Ah, but he just stands there smilin’ back at me

So I confessed my sins to the preacher
About the love I’ve been prayin’ to find
Is there a brown eyed boy in my future, yeah
He says. girl you’ve got nothin’ but time

But how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born, you were born to fly

My daddy, he’s grounded like the oak tree
My momma, she is steady as the sun
Oh you know I love my folks
But I keep starin’ down the road
Just lookin’ for my one chance to run

Yeah, ’cause I will soar away like the blackbird
I will blow in the wind like a seed
I will plant my heart in the garden of my dreams
And I will grow up where I’ll wander wild and free

Oh, how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born
You were born yeah
You were born to fly

So how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know that you were born
You were born to fly fly fly fly

Dreaming About the Future

Do you know where kids live in time? They live in the here and now. They want to have fun. They want to do what they want to do and they want to do it now. Not tomorrow. Not in 5 minutes. Now. (Unless of course we are asking them to do something they don’t want to do, then they will do it “later,” but that is another post.)

Our kids aren’t thinking about how persevering through a tough time in life now will benefit them when they hit a rough spot later.

They aren’t thinking about how developing responsibility now will be helpful to them in the home and workplace as adults.

And they aren’t thinking about how doing well in school now will affect what they choose to do with their life.

That means that as parents, one of our jobs has to be helping them see that now affects the future.

It also means that we have to start now to help them dream about what they want their future to look like.

Some kids may be born with a natural drive, but it still needs to be focused.

Some kids may be born with a natural talent, but it still needs to be nurtured.

Think back to when you were a kid. Did you have parents that helped you think about the future and what you would like to become?

Did you have parents who helped you focus your dreams and talents so you knew the direction you were headed?

Or not?

How did that affect you?

My parents consistently talked about going to college and talked with us about what we wanted to do.

I wanted to be a wife, mother, Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, singer, and lawyer.

They encouraged my musical talent. They encouraged me in school. I may not have ended up in law, but that was because God pointed me in a different direction (and who knows, law school may come at some point yet).

Kids don’t magically know what they want to be when they grow up. They have to be directed. They have to be focused. And as parents, we have to be the ones to dream with them and help them find that direction and focus.

Now, we have to be careful with this. We need to dream our children’s dreams with them, not our own dreams for what we want them to become. Too often, parents impose their own desires on their children. We see this in sports, and eventually in career choices. Children forced into their parents’ ideals are not happy children and they are not fulfilled adults.

So, before you start dreaming with your children, talk to them, watch them, let them show you what their strengths and dreams are. Then give your support, encouragement, and start showing them what it means to dream, plan, set goals, and look at how the present affects the future.

Let’s give our kids the gift of dreams.

Always Open

In 2003, a few weeks before Ty was born, I was suffering from that all-too-familiar thing called “mommy guilt.” Here I had spent the previous two, almost three, years focusing all of my attention on sweet little Anne. She could climb up on my lap at any time. She got all of our snuggles and focus. And now, that was all going to change because of this new baby that was coming in to our home.

Did Anne have any concept of this? Absolutely not! But I did. I was afraid that she would feel neglected. After all, I knew what kind of attention a new baby took. I knew what it was like to nurse a new baby. I knew that my lap would be occupied much of the time with this new life coming into our home.

I remember sitting on the couch one evening, my pregnant belly taking away much of the room on my lap that Anne had enjoyed for the first part of her life, but she was doing her best to sit on that ever-dwindling lap. While she sat there, I remember telling her that there would always be room for her on my lap. Even if I was nursing the baby. Even if he got bigger and seemed to take up too much space. She could always climb up.

My kids are 11 and almost 14 now. It isn’t very often that they climb up on my lap anymore. But as they have grown, they have learned something even more important – mom’s lap isn’t the only thing that is always open. Have a bad dream or are feeling sick? Climb on in to mom’s bed. Have a bad day? Curl up in mom’s arms. Need to talk about something that is bothering you? Mom’s ears are ready to listen. And all of this is true, because mom’s heart is always open. It doesn’t matter if it is 2:00 a.m. or 2:00 p.m., mom is there, ready and available.

And here’s the thing, because they know that my heart is always open to them, they are learning to keep their heart open to me. When there are things we need to talk about – whether it be what is happening in the world, correction that I need to give them, or something else, they are ready and willing to hear from me. When there is something going on in my life that is making it hard for me to get through, guess who is there and ready to love on me? Yep, those same kids!

A huge part of parenting is being available to our children. When we get too busy, we are in essence, closing ourselves off from these children that need us more than anything. I heard one time that once children reach the age of 10, their parents are no longer the primary influence in their lives. Instead, the primary influence becomes their peers. This is a scary statistic to me, knowing what I know about our society. I do my best to fight this. This is why I make myself readily available to my children. This is why I spend time with them. This is why I make sure that they know I am always open to whatever they need from me.

Be sure you are hanging out the “OPEN” sign to your children. Be available to them. Be ready to listen. Be there for them. They need you.

Beautiful

Let’s start with the obvious.

It is hard to be a woman in today’s society when it comes to our looks.

Body image. Models. Photoshop. Exercise plans. Get thin quick hoaxes. Diets. Songs that project a standard no woman can reach. Fat. Skinny. Chunky. Bulky. Ugly. Beautiful. Quirky. Pretty. Cute. It is too much. And I propose we switch out all of these words and standards for a different word. Yes, just one word.

Created.

All of us were created in the image of God. That means that no matter what we look like, what our body-type is, how our hair looks, how tall, short, fat, or thin we are, we are beautiful because that is the way that God created us. Psalm 139 says he knit us together in our mother’s womb.” I knit. It isn’t a quick thing. It takes time. It is a process. He took the time to work on us and make us to be exactly the way He wanted us to be.

And all of our daughters (and sons) need to hear this. I focus more on daughters, because most often we are seeing women portrayed in a certain way in our society. You have to be this or that if you want to be popular. You can’t be this or that if you want to be accepted. Photoshop has scarred the way women see themselves.

News flash – no one looks like the women on the magazines, even the women on the magazines, without lots of work, much of which happens on a computer screen.

Navigating this with our daughters is tricky. We want them to feel good about who they are. We want them to make healthy choices with their lives. But we can’t allow them to hear that they don’t look good enough, or that so-and-so is prettier, or does their hair better, or dresses better, etc.

We have to be the ones who remind them that they are beautiful, because that is exactly how God created them.

Period.

End of story.

No hairstyle, clothing item, diet plan, photo angle, or anything else can make us more beautiful than the beauty of being created in the image of God.

Let’s start making sure that our girls are being taught, shown, and told this daily. Let’s figure this out for ourselves so that we are able to believe what we are telling our daughters. Let’s embrace who we are created to be and help our girls embrace who they are created to be.

You are beautiful.

Because God created you.

In Common

I am the oldest of three GIRLS. I like girly things. I have no trouble at all relating to my DAUGHTER. We can go shopping, watch a girly movie, do our nails, just hang out, whatever. It is no problem finding areas in which we can connect. It is natural to me because I am a girl who grew up with other girls.

Now, Ty, on the other hand is a BOY. And yes, I married a boy, but that doesn’t mean I know anything about how to raise one.

I mean, who knew that around fifth grade boys get emotional. This bursting into tears at the most random times I expected from my GIRL, not from my BOY!

All along I have tried to figure out how to find ways to connect with my son. I don’t really get into trucks, Legos, Star Wars, strange cartoons (Pokemon? The Last Airbender? The Clone Wars?), and all those other things that are “boy” for fun. But that isn’t an excuse to just not connect with my son.

I need to be able to have fun, create special memories, facilitate conversation, and get to know him for him, even though it is totally different from the way I can do it with Anne.

So, guess what? I have watched Star Wars (1-6) more than I ever dreamed possible, and spent just as many hours hearing the detail of every character involved as well as all about George Lucas (and now the sale to Disney and the upcoming movie). I have learned what Lego sets are acceptable and which ones are not. I have learned more than I ever cared to know about this thing called Minecraft. I have spent countless hours watching Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., even though it wouldn’t be my number one pick of television shows to watch. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am choosing to find (and make) common places for my son and I to interact. Yes, there are some more natural ones that we both enjoy like riding bikes, but these common places are less about what I like, and more about what I can to do show my son that I want to spend time with him doing what he enjoys. I am even planning to take him indoor rock-climbing this fall, because that is something that he has been wanting to try. And let’s be honest, I work out a lot, but I am scared that I am going to make a fool of myself trying to climb a rock wall. But I am willing to give it a try if it means a day with my son doing something that he will enjoy.

Finding these common places with the child(ren) you don’t relate to as easily is hard. It takes work. It takes selflessness. But it is necessary and needed.

What are some ways that you have worked to relate to your child(ren)?

Things I Love About Being a Mom

One thing I have learned about life is when things aren’t going my way or I am feeling down, I have to change my focus and start choosing joy and thankfulness.

The weather the last few days has been dark, rainy, and dreary and I don’t do well in those conditions.

I would rather stay in bed, not exercise, not cook, eat junk, and sink deeper and deeper into my couch and the depression that pulls on me.

So, today, I am choosing to change my focus to things I love about being a mom!

Why don’t you join me and add things you love about being a parent in the comments below!

I love snuggling up with my kids on the couch to watch a movie or one of the television shows we watch.
I love when Ty gets to giggling at himself.
I love when Anne tries to be annoyed with Ty and I as we sing “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift, but she can’t help but smile as she rolls her eyes.
I love tucking my children in to bed.
I love watching my children “get it” when it comes to the things of God, the things of life, and more.
I love taking them to school every day, dropping them off and telling them that I love them.
I love picking them up from school and hearing about their day.
I love seeing Ty’s mind at work.
I love watching Anne cheer.
I love playing games with my children.
I love sitting on the deck watching them play outside.
I love sitting on the trampoline and having fun with them.
I love doing new things with my kids.
I love doing the same old, same old with them.
I love just being with my kids.
I love the people who my children are growing up to be.
I love teaching my children.
I love the ways that my children teach me.
I love Anne’s creativity – drawing, rainbow loom bracelets, crocheting, and so much more.
I love Ty’s spontaneity.
I love that our family has its own language (lots of sarcasm), inside jokes (crapplesauce in the hillbilly briefcase, anyone?), and so much more!
I love that my children love their family – grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins – and want to spend time with them.
I love how my children love their friends.
I love that my kids can have conversations with adults.
I love that my kids love Jesus and His church.

I could go on and on. The point isn’t to number the list, but rather to make the list so that I can see all the good things I have in my life. And this is just about my children! When you make a list like this, you can’t help but smile and be joyful. In fact, now all I want to do is go hang out with my kids and have some fun!

On those days when the kids are acting up, I can come back to this list.

On those days when I am questioning my ability as a parent, I can come back to this list.

On those days that just downright are terrible, I can come back to this list.

Thank you, Lord, for my children, and for the joy that the bring into my life.

Serving with Kids

This week, our family got the opportunity to serve together in a community ministry. It was the first time we have volunteered at the local food pantry. We have served together in our church many times, but this was a different kind of service than we have done before.

And the kids did GREAT!

They helped unload the seven pallets of food and supplies like a boss.
They walked people through the pantry and helped them choose items.
They went out in the rain to help people load the food into their vehicles.
They helped stock shelves, bag items, and anything else that was needed.

Living in a small community, there are not a ton of opportunities to serve the poor the way there would be in a big city, and I think about that a lot. Jesus has called us to care for the poor, orphan and widow and while we donate things to various groups to help as much as we can, I am always on the lookout for ways for us to serve as a family so my children are learning to live out the mandate to love our neighbor and be a servant in a physical way.

At the end of the day, I talked with the kids. Here is what they had to say:

Anne said she liked seeing people who were unhappy when they came in leaving happy.
Ty said he liked helping to stock the shelves, and get the carts ready with boxes and bags for the people.
Anne said she enjoyed helping fill one lady’s vehicle with food.
Ty said it felt nice to help people who were in need.
Anne liked that we were serving as a family.

They both said that if our church always has October as the month to volunteer, we should do this every Columbus Day. I love that. I want them to have the heart of servants. I want them to recognize that helping people is the way that we are called to live as followers of Christ.

We are all busy. But that can’t be an excuse for not teaching our children how to care for and serve one another. Even if it isn’t as often as we would like, or it takes work to make it happen, it is worth it.

What are some ways that you have been able to serve others with your family?

Faith and Family

Faith. From the time I was two, faith was a priority in the life of my family.

We went to church every time it was open – Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night.

My sisters and I have been examples in Dad’s sermons more times than we can count.

It didn’t matter what we did on Saturday night or how late we stayed out, we were at church on Sunday morning.

When I went off to college, needless to say, I wasn’t as faithful in my church attendance. I didn’t quite understand the necessity.

But it wasn’t long before I changed my tune and began attending regularly again.

And then I became a parent and I realized exactly what my parents realized all those years ago.

As parents, we set the priorities for the home. Strong faith and a relationship with God through Jesus Christ has to be at the top of our priority list. One of the ways we do this is by making it a priority to be in church regularly for worship.

In this day and age, there are so many things that are vying to be at the top of our list of priorities, and what I have seen happen in the church is sad. Ball games, tumbling or other sports meets/competitions, camping trips, and even late Saturday nights are taking priority over worship attendance. Somehow a shift has occurred and instead of making worship a priority, we have started making our children’s “success” in other areas a priority.

The problem with that is simply this: if they don’t learn early how to make the Lord a priority in their lives, then He may never be a priority in their lives.

And for a parent who loves the Lord and loves her children, that would be a devastating tragedy for my children.

So in addition to other things we do at home, we will be in worship each Sunday morning on a regular basis. This is a priority in our lives. And as parents, we will show our children that it needs to be a priority in their lives as well.

The Best Gift

Time.

We never seem to have enough and we all want more of it.

But you know who needs our time the most? Our kids.

Not just sitting in the same room with them while we all do our own thing.

Not sitting in front of the television together.

Quality time. Time where we are interacting, talking, listening, having fun, being serious, sharing joys, hurts, accomplishments, and fears.

This is hard. We have jobs. We have appointments. We have houses to clean. We have friendships to maintain. We have books we want to read. We have Facebook, Twitter, and Angry Birds. The kids have a plethora of activities in which they are involved. There are a myriad things that vie for our attention.

Including our kids.

When Ty starts being super grumpy or super silly, that is an indicator that he needs our attention. Anne is a little easier to read, she comes and sits down next to one of us when she wants our attention.

Just this week, with Mike on 3-11 shift, he came home to eat with Ty and I at lunch break. After he left, Ty said to me, “That was nice. To have dinner with Dad.” It wasn’t anything earth-shattering, but three out of the four of us were sitting together at the table eating and talking. And Ty not only ate up his dinner, but also the time he got to spend with us.

I try hard to spend time with my kids. Quality time. Not just running around town dropping them here, there, and yonder time. When I do, I usually get such an earful! I can learn more in 10 minutes of quality time with one of my kids than I heard the entire last month of simply being in the same space. The older our kids get, the more they need to know that they are our priority and that we make time to spend with them. The older our kids get, the more we need to be hearing what is going on in their lives. The older our kids get, we need to make sure that we are still a primary influence on their lives, and that only happens when we spend quality time with them.

This is a choice we make; it doesn’t happen magically. We choose to make it happen.

And when we do choose to spend quality time with our children, it truly is the best gift we could possibly give them.

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