Mike and I have always talked about the fact that neither of us are naturally patient people. It is definitely something that we have had to work on throughout our lives. If you don’t believe me, just ride in a car with us during heavy traffic, or when the people in front of us turning off of 59 onto CR6 don’t move fast enough with the green arrow and we have to wait another light cycle before we can get home.
And let’s be real, waiting for information and next steps when there is cancer growing inside your body doesn’t make patience any easier. And then when you add depression and anxiety to the mix, let’s just say my tear ducts aren’t clogged.
I was waiting for confirmation of the first surgery date this week, hoping that it would be moved to an earlier date than the “for sure” date of April 5. Needless to say, I will be waiting until April 5. And I’m struggling with that. It has already been over two months since the initial diagnosis, and by April 5, it will be over 3 months since the mammogram in which the cancer was seen.
But if there is one thing I know, it is that God’s timing is not my timing. It has been something I have had to learn and re-learn often in my (impatient) life. Pregnancy. Jobs. School. Ordination. Call. And any other number of times in my life when I had to live in the waiting space.
It is in these times that I find solace and comfort in the Psalms, when I remember that I can be strong, and take heart as I wait for the Lord.
I take refuge in you, Lord. Please never let me be put to shame. Rescue me by your righteousness! 2 Listen closely to me! Deliver me quickly; be a rock that protects me; be a strong fortress that saves me! 3 You are definitely my rock and my fortress. Guide me and lead me for the sake of your good name! 4 Get me out of this net that’s been set for me because you are my protective fortress. 5 I entrust my spirit into your hands; you, Lord, God of faithfulness— you have saved me. 6 I hate those who embrace what is completely worthless. I myself trust the Lord. 7 I rejoice and celebrate in your faithful love because you saw my suffering— you were intimately acquainted with my deep distress. 8 You didn’t hand me over to the enemy, but set my feet in wide-open spaces.
9 Have mercy on me, Lord, because I’m depressed. My vision fails because of my grief, as do my spirit and my body. 10 My life is consumed with sadness; my years are consumed with groaning. Strength fails me because of my suffering; my bones dry up. 11 I’m a joke to all my enemies, still worse to my neighbors. I scare my friends, and whoever sees me in the street runs away! 12 I am forgotten, like I’m dead, completely out of mind; I am like a piece of pottery, destroyed. 13 Yes, I’ve heard all the gossiping, terror all around; so many gang up together against me, they plan to take my life!
14 But me? I trust you, Lord! I affirm, “You are my God.” 15 My future is in your hands. Don’t hand me over to my enemies, to all who are out to get me! 16 Shine your face on your servant; save me by your faithful love! 17 Lord, don’t let me be put to shame because I have cried out to you. Let the wicked be put to shame; let them be silenced in death’s domain! 18 Let their lying lips be shut up whenever they speak arrogantly against the righteous with pride and contempt! 19 How great is the goodness that you’ve reserved for those who honor you, that you commit to those who take refuge in you— in the sight of everyone! 20 You hide them in the shelter of your wings, safe from human scheming. You conceal them in a shelter, safe from accusing tongues.
21 Bless the Lord, because he has wondrously revealed his faithful love to me when I was like a city under siege! 22 When I was panicked, I said, “I’m cut off from your eyes!” But you heard my request for mercy when I cried out to you for help.
23 All you who are faithful, love the Lord! The Lord protects those who are loyal, but he pays the proud back to the fullest degree. 24 All you who wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage.
Psalm 31 (CEB)
So, as I wait a couple more weeks for the first surgery, and who knows how long before the subsequent ones, I will continue to be courageous and filled with God’s strength in the waiting. Because simply honking the horn won’t speed things along this journey like it does the slowpokes in the left turn lane.
It’s true. Life happens. And it happens EVERY SINGLE DAY.
When I look at the pictures of my transformation between June 2014 and July 2015 I absolutely love it. But when I look at myself four years later, I don’t like it much at all. I worked so hard to lose that 50 pounds, and I kept it off for a long time. But then life happened.
3+ years of Seminary on top of work and family = STRESS
Loss of my father = GRIEF
Bouts of depression and anxiety =DAILY STRUGGLE
3+ months of illness = NO EXERCISE
And all of this led to me eating things I had previously removed from my normal eating patterns. Many days I didn’t have it in me to get off of the couch to make one healthy meal, much less meal prep for the week as was my habit.
For most of the last four years I continued to work out, while trying my best to fight the urges to eat things like ice cream covered in caramel and tortilla chips covered in cheese, but the culmination of seminary paired with an extended illness even took that away from me, and it wasn’t long before my clothes weren’t fitting right again.
The good news is that the healthy habits I have created over the years paired with the things that I have learned through my journey are never lost, and every minute of every day is an opportunity to embrace what I know to be true and live into that truth.
Since I have been feeling better, I have added exercise back into my routine, and have been slowly working my way back to my norm of five to six workouts per week. It has been HARD, but I am trying and will get there. I have also gotten back to tracking EVERY SINGLE THING that goes into my mouth. This is also hard, but a necessary piece of the weight-loss puzzle that will get me back to where I want to be.
It would be easy (and has been) to beat myself up for eating things I typically choose not to eat, and for skipping workouts. It would be easy (and has been) to cringe every single time I look in the mirror or delete every picture that made me feel fat.
But I refuse to let set-backs be what define me.
There’s a saying out there that says, “fall down seven times, stand up eight.” When life happens, we don’t have to succumb to the fall, we can and should always get back up.
Anne of Green Gables is one of my favorite book series and movie series and it includes this saying: “Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it.” In other words, it’s never too late for a fresh start.
So here’s to standing back up, making a fresh start, and not letting the stuff of life get the better of us.
