Movement

Yesterday I got up for my Sunday morning run and about a mile in, the sun was just above the horizon behind some clouds. As I continued to run, I couldn’t take my eyes off this beautiful orange ball in the sky, moving slowly upward until the clouds were no longer shrouding it and it could be seen in all of its spherical beauty.

My running partner and I both commented on the fact that we love when we can see the sun rising or setting; when we can actually see the smallest movement taking place.

Of course we know that the earth is actually rotating, but to our eyes, it looks like the sun is doing the moving. There is something about that reminder that there is constant movement going on, without us doing a thing or even consciously acknowledging it.

I think this is a great metaphor for life.

For those of us waiting for something – healing, changes in circumstances, answers to prayers, etc. – I think it is a good reminder that there is movement, whether we realize it or not.

It’s pretty easy to get caught up in the fact that we can’t see any change or movement taking place and we tell ourselves that we are going to be stuck in this place forever. But just look back at other times in your life when you felt that way. Looking at those past situations now, can you see the movement that brought you out and to a different place? If you are like me, the answer is an absolute yes. Did it feel like you were moving at the time? Most likely not, but there was progress made and you aren’t in that place anymore.

Today I encourage you to hold on to movement – whether perceptible or not – and trust that you are moving, you will get through whatever you are going through now. You are experiencing movement, even if you don’t realize it now.

An Attempt to De-Funk

I’m in a funk. Life is crazy busy. I’m fighting a major depression episode. I am trying to exercise, but am doing good to get up to do so two days a week (which I realize isn’t terrible, but when I am used to 5-6 days a week and a lot more mileage, this feels like failure). I am trying to eat well, but some days I just don’t. My clothes are tight and I know how to fix it, but can’t seem to do so these days.

I have been constantly thinking about what I need to do and determining to do the right and good thing, but it seems like I fail every day.

Our community is doing The Biggest Loser again. I had great success doing that two years ago. Not so much last year. A friend of mine is leading it and asked me to consider being a team leader. I told her no. Another friend is helping her and has been talking about joining a team. I told her I had no desire to do so.

Yesterday, as I was at home with a sick child, it occurred to me that perhaps I should take on a team. Maybe focusing on helping others will help me climb out of my funk. So I sent a text to my friend and she signed me up. And both friends have signed up for my team. We’ll see who else joins us.

I don’t know that this is the answer, but I have learned that when certain ideas hit me as hard as this one did, I need to sit up and take notice because it is often a prompt from the Lord to take action in a certain way.

So, I guess I am going to listen to this prompt and see if we can bring an end to this funk that I am in.

Want to join my team?

Unexpected

When I got up this morning, today looked just like every other day; one to get through. It was laid out to be a typical day filled with exercise, getting kids to school, going to work, going to an appointment, going to meetings, getting kids from school, taking them to church, getting them to bed and trying to accomplish something along the way.

But at that first appointment of the day, something unexpected happened.

Hope.

Did anything change in my circumstances? Nope.

Did anything get better than it has been? Nope.

Did I get a promise that anything will change? Nope.

But I got hope that something might change because one person said one thing that no one else had said to me before, and that one thing made sense and gave me a sense that there may be some explanation and help for a particular issue I have been dealing with for quite some time.

Hope. In an unexpected place. In an unexpected way.

I pray that those who need it may find some unexpected hope today. Just like I did.

Shifting Focus

For the last three weeks I have been sick and struggling to just make it through each day. To top it off, then my daughter got sick enough early this week that we spent some time in the ER getting fluids and anti-nausea meds. Needless to say, my focus has been on how I feel and getting her better. Which means my focus has NOT been on training for the race that I am running on Saturday. Not to mention the injury that I have been nursing for the last two months that have kept me from running more than 4 miles consecutively.

After running the Goofy in January, I had a plan that I would set a new personal record at the 500 Festival Half Marathon in Indianapolis this coming weekend.

Guess what? That’s not gonna happen.

Between injury, illness, and a change in my running shoes, I won’t be running 13.1 miles. I hope to walk/run those 13.1 miles, but depending on how I feel that morning, I may have to change my plans and do the 5K instead. A mere 3.1 miles.

Is that disappointing? Absolutely! Is it frustrating? Most definitely!

But sometimes our focus has to shift.

Instead of focusing on the original goal of a PR, my focus now has to be on my health and staying injury free so I can look towards the next race. I don’t race to win (obviously – I am SLOW), I race to stay motivated in my day-to-day exercise routine. I want to continue running without having to stop and wait for another injury to heal, so I don’t want to push it so hard that I get sidetracked again. In addition, part of the fun of this particular race weekend is spending it with my best friend from high school and her family. I don’t want to push myself so hard after being sick for three weeks and end up in bed at the hotel not spending any quality time with my friends.

So I am shifting my focus and expectations for the weekend. And that’s okay.

It is good to set goals and to stay motivated to achieve them, but when life gets in the way, it’s okay to adjust those goals to be more realistic, too.

Do you need to shift your focus on any of your goals today?

How Big is Your Brave?

It’s Monday, and sometimes that means I share music with you that I am enjoying and today that fits the bill.

I ran across this song last week one day on one of the running blogs that I follow and I loved it. Then, I was at home sick with a fever on Friday and who was on the Today Show but Sara Bareilles singing this song!

My favorite line is “show me how big your brave is.”

This song is a good reminder for women of all ages (and probably some men, too) to be who you are created to be, to stand up for what you believe in, and to be good with who you are and not to worry about what others think.

So to all you women and girls out there – of all ages – “show me how big your brave is!”

The Problem of Pain

I just finished reading both The Problem of Pain and A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis and thought I would share some of my thoughts and his about this sometimes very problematic area for Christians.

Often we think that if God was good, he would want to make us happy and if he were almighty, He could do what He wanted. And if we aren’t happy, then God is either not good or not powerful, or both. This is what we mean by the problem of pain. But there are some flaws in this reasoning. For one, it assumes that our definition of good and God’s definition of good are the same; that our idea of a favorable outcome and His are identical.

Lewis says, “On the one hand, if God is wiser than we His judgment must differ from ours on many things, and not least on good and evil. What seems to us good may therefore not be good in His eyes, and what seems to us evil may not be evil.

“On the other hand, if God’s moral judgment differs from ours so that our ‘black’ may be his ‘white’, we can mean nothing by calling him good; for to say ‘God is good’, while asserting that His goodness is wholly other than ours, is really only to say ‘God is we know not what’. And an utterly unknown quality in God cannot give us moral grounds for loving or obeying Him.

“The Divine ‘goodness’ differs from ours, but it is not sheerly different: it differs from ours not as white from black but as a perfect circle from a child’s first attempt to draw a wheel. But when the child has learned to draw, it will know that the circle it then makes is what it was trying to make from the very beginning.”

Another major flaw that we find when we want God to make everything “good”, is that we completely remove the fact that He has given us free will. Are you familiar with the term “mutually exclusive?” That means that A can happen or B can happen, but A and B cannot both happen and if A happens, B cannot happen. In terms of what we are discussing here, God doing what He wants and what he wants only and us having free will are two mutually exclusive ideas.

It is also mutually exclusive to say we have free will, and that there will be no one who makes decisions that will hurt someone else. If we all are acting for our own best interest, then by definition, we are not acting for the best interest of anyone else, or to say it more plainly, we are acting in a way that may bring hurt or distress of some kind to another.

Lewis says it this way, “When souls become wicked they will certainly use this possibility to hurt one another; and this, perhaps, accounts for four-fifths of the sufferings of men. It is men, not God, who have produced racks, whips, prisons, slavery, guns, bayonets, and bombs; it is by human avarice or human stupidity, not by the churlishness of nature, that we have poverty and overwork. But there remains, none the less, much suffering which cannot thus be traced to ourselves. Even if all suffering were man-made, we should like to know the reason for the enormous permission to torture their fellows which God gives to the worst of men.”

You see, by wanting God to make everything in this world “good” we are saying that “We want, in fact, not so much a Father in Heaven as a grandfather in heaven—a senile benevolence who, as they say, ‘liked to see young people enjoying themselves,’ and whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day, ‘a good time was had by all’. Not many people, I admit, would formulate a theology in precisely those terms: but a conception not very different lurks at the back of many minds.”

But, when we try to reconcile the problem of human suffering with a God who is good and loving, we struggle, because we don’t understand what it means for God to be good and loving in a true sense. You see, love sometimes is painful. When we truly love someone, we want the best for them, and sometimes the best for them is for them to go through something that changes them. An alcoholic going through rehab. An abuser seeking counseling. A sinner being remade in the Image of God. God does not exist for the sake of man. We exist for the sake of God and He uses pain in our lives to alter us and craft us into the people He created us to be.

But why does that have to be done through pain, you might ask. Two words: the Fall. You see, God made us in His image, but because He gave us free will, Adam, the first man, and through him, all of us, chose to sin and become separated from God. But couldn’t God have stopped it or at least taken it away? “It would, no doubt, have been possible for God to remove by miracle the results of the first sin ever committed by a human being; but this would not have been much good unless He was prepared to remove the results of the second sin, and of the third, and so on forever.” The reality is this, “man, as a species, spoiled himself, and that good, to us in our present state, must therefore mean primarily remedial or corrective good.” When we feel pain, we know something is wrong and we want to correct it. Pain calls us to pay attention. It is in those moments that we often think that God is cruel. We don’t understand when we see good, decent people falling on hard times. We don’t get it when people who are working hard to follow Christ experience tragedy that they don’t deserve.

And yet, it is in those moments of our deepest pain that we are most aware of the fact that we need God. And as we walk through the valley of the shadow of death and come out on the other side we see just how much we have grown through the valley.

But once we are out of the valley, and no longer feeling the pain, how long is it before we are right back to depending on ourselves?

It is in these moments that we really start to see how God uses the pain in our lives to get our attention.

Lewis shares this story about His own battles with this. “I am progressing along the path of life in my ordinary contentedly fallen and godless condition, absorbed in a merry meeting with my friends for the morrow or a bit of work that tickles my vanity today, a holiday or a new book, when suddenly a stab of abdominal pain that threatens serious disease, or a headline in the newspapers that threatens us all with destruction, sends this whole pack of cards tumbling down. At first I am overwhelmed, and all my little happinesses look like broken toys. Then, slowly and reluctantly, bit by bit, I try to bring myself into the frame of mind that I should be in at all times. I remind myself that all these toys were never intended to possess my heart, that my true good is in another world and my only real treasure is Christ. And perhaps, by God’s grace, I succeed, and for a day or two become a creature consciously dependent on God and drawing its strength from the right sources. But the moment the threat is withdrawn, my whole nature leaps back to the toys: I am even anxious, God forgive me, to banish from my mind the only thing that supported me under the threat because it is now associated with the misery of those few days. Thus the terrible necessity of tribulation is only too clear. God has had me for but forty-eight hours and then only by dint of taking everything else away from me. Let Him but sheathe that sword for a moment and I behave like a puppy when the hated bath is over—I shake myself as dry as I can and race off to reacquire my comfortable dirtiness, if not in the nearest manure heap, at least in the nearest flower bed. And that is why tribulations cannot cease until God either sees us remade or sees that our remaking is now hopeless.”

This reminds me of a video I saw a few years ago. It is called “God’s Chisel.” A young man named Tommy wants God to make him into the person God created him to be, but that creating requires God to chisel away at the parts of his life that need to be changed. And it hurts. But God doesn’t stop chiseling away because the point is for people to see God and not Tommy. Consider a surgeon who works to remove a cancerous tumor in surgery—the act of cutting wouldn’t be considered “good” or “kind” in and of itself, being cut is painful—but we want the surgeon to keep cutting away until the entire tumor is gone. God will use pain in our lives to “cut away” that which needs to be removed from our lives in order to make us into the people who He created us to be.

Here and Now

I read this in the Fall 2012 Leadership Journal yesterday and I am pretty sure it was written just for me:

Frustration

I have been thinking for the last couple of weeks that I am tired of “just getting through” whether that be my next task, the next hour, the next day, the next week, etc. As I read this, I realized that this may be some of my problem. I know I have been called to pastoral ministry and I don’t see anything moving in that direction at this point. I know God has more for my family along those lines, but it hasn’t been revealed to us yet. And I am looking forward to that, I am excited about where God will lead us.

But in the meantime, I get frustrated that noting is changing and that it all stays the same all the time. Especially since a Word from the Lord we received around Christmas time promised movement on His part and we are still waiting.

I guess this article was (is) a good reminder of Philippians 4:11-13

11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Maybe I haven’t learned to be content where I am now. Maybe I haven’t learned to be content with waiting. Maybe I have lost some of the passion for the here and now and am spending too much time wondering about the yet to come. I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. But I do know I need to keep asking about the yet to come, while being content in the here and now. And “trust God and let that be enough.”

In what ways do you find yourself sacrificing the here and now for the yet to come?

It’s the Little Things

If you read my blog regularly, you know that I struggle with depression and the last couple of months have been rough in that area. Add to that an injury that keeps me from running much and a winter that won’t end and let’s just say some days it is a miracle that I even get out of bed. The idea of conquering anything these days is daunting at best, and I find myself looking for ways to push through. That takes many forms but here are some of the things that are getting me through these days.

  • As I took my medicine out of my daily pill container today, I noticed that tomorrow is Thursday which is the last day of the work week for me this week.
  • My birthday was Sunday and here are some of the amazing things that made me happy:
    My daughter, Anne, got her round-off back handspring that she had been working so hard to get;
    My friend, Kim, had me over and made me Rum Chata cupcakes;
    My friend, Crystal, made me my dream cake for my birthday;
    My friend, Brittney, kidnapped my kids, took them for a photo shoot, and showed up at my house with a little mini-album of pictures of my super-adorable kids;
    My husband, Mike, spent the day with me on Friday, took me to lunch at The Cheesecake Factory, allowed me to wander through Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s to my heart’s content, and even hung out in True Runner with me as I tried some new running shoes out;
    I got hugs from some of my favorite church kiddos on Sunday;
    We got almost a foot of snow on my birthday, which does not make me happy, but it did make my kids happy, so that makes me happy.
  • I finished another crochet project to give to a very special person who is going through a rough time right now.
  • I started another crochet project that I am excited about.
  • I have a knit project in the wings – just have to go pick out some yarn – to give to the winner of last week’s giveaway.
  • I get to celebrate a special birthday with some good friends on Friday.
  • The sun is shining through my window.
  • And there are always the snuggles from kiddies and kitties that make me smile and feel comforted.

I’m sure there are more things, but this is just a smattering of the pieces of my life that keep me going despite the fact that I would much rather curl up on my couch all day every day right now.

If you find yourself struggling in any way, I encourage you to look for the little things that bring you joy and focus on them. It does make a difference.

Be Strong. Take Heart. And Wait.

Sometimes it feels like we spend our whole lives waiting for something to change. Dress size. Marriage issues. Work problems. Financial woes. You get the idea.

One thing I have been waiting on for a long time is simply the next step as I follow the Lord in the call to ministry. I don’t know what it looks like, but I know something is coming. I don’t know what action I should take, if any. The only thing I do know is that He has called me into full-time ministry and for now what that looks like is administration at GFMC, ministry to the kids in the LOFT, and preaching at area churches when I can.

Sometimes it’s hard, the not knowing. It feels like I have been forgotten. Sometimes the enemy tries to come in and tell me that I didn’t hear the Lord or that I am not who He wants to use.

Sunday, as we read Psalm 27 together, I was reminded that sometimes it’s hard to wait, especially in hard times. But I have a choice in my response.

Psalm 27

Of David.

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

When the wicked advance against me
to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.

One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.

Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.

Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.

13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.

I choose to remain confident. I choose to be strong, take heart, and wait.

Are you waiting on something this morning? Be strong. Take Heart. And wait.

Vicious Cycle

It’s been a rough month. Various illnesses. Injured leg. Depression. Lack of motivation. Lack of energy. Less than stellar eating habits.

I know that illness can trigger a bout with depression.

I know that not exercising can make the depression worse.

I know that depression leads to lack of motivation and energy.

I know that lack of motivation and energy means shortcuts – particularly when it comes to eating.

I also know that when I am eating well and exercising  I feel better and have more motivation and energy, which fights off the depression.

But in the midst of the depression, it is really hard to push through, get out of bed, exercise, cook healthy meals, and keep busy when I would much rather sleep later, eat crap, lay on my couch and watch TV.

In other words, it’s a vicious cycle that is really hard to break.

But today is the first day of my favorite month. Why is it my favorite month? Because three of my favorite things happen this month: St. Patrick’s Day, the first day of Spring, and my birthday. And I don’t want this month to be another rough one. So today, I start again. I got out of bed and ran. I am cutting out all sugar and bread. I am back to planning meals and logging what goes into my mouth. I am going to schedule my time at home somewhat to stay busy so I don’t default to the couch.

I am going to break this cycle. But I can’t do it alone. I need the Lord’s help and strength. I need prayer. I need friends who will keep me accountable.

And I need to write and post this blog post. Because telling myself all these things won’t help. But maybe telling you all will.

What kinds of struggles are you facing today? I’d love to hear from you!