Category: Family Dynamics

Pass It On

Leave a Legacy

Leaving a legacy. Something that we all want to do. But what kind of legacy are we leaving? What are we teaching our children?

Are we teaching them the simple things? Like how to crochet and knit the way our moms and grandmas did?

Are we teaching them to cook healthy meals for their families?

Are we teaching them to be able to clean house, do home repair, simple car repair, and more?

Are we teaching them to love Jesus and to be His disciples?

Are we teaching them to love others as they love themselves?

Legacy
Nichole Nordeman

I don’t mind if you’ve got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who’s who and so-n-so’s that used to be the best
At such ‘n ‘such, it wouldn’t matter much.
I won’t lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an ‘Atta boy’ or ‘Atta girl’
In the end I’d like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world.

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
Blessed Your Name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy.

I don’t have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy
It’s an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy.

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
Blessed Your Name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy.

Not well traveled, not well read,
Not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead,
“Well Done” good and faithful one.

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?

I don’t mind if you’ve got something nice to say about me.

You can purchase this song here.

It Takes A Village

It Takes a Village

We have all heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” but the question is, in this day and age, is that really happening?

I have always felt that it is imperative to raise our children in community. If my kids do something that needs to be corrected when I am not around, I am terribly hopeful that someone will care enough to correct them. And I am not scared to do the same for others children. It is important that kids learn respect for other adults, and are willing to take correction from them when needed.

It is also important for our children to learn from people whose backgrounds differ from ours; whether that be culturally, generationally, or whatever. When they are only influenced by their immediate family, they don’t get the opportunity to learn diversity and understanding.

In previous generations, this happened more readily because community was built in neighborhoods and churches. But with the busyness of life, two-income homes, sports and other things that take families away from their neighborhoods and church activities, it makes it harder to build real community.

But we have to make it happen.

We need it. Our children need it. Our world needs it.

We must battle against the individuality that shuns community. Yes, our children are individuals, but they don’t live in a vacuum. They live in a world filled with other people, whom they can learn much from, if they are taught to do so. And we weren’t created to be on our own. Rather, we were created to live with one another, to love one another, to encourage and learn from one another. And this only happens when we live together in community; when we learn what it means to deal with people who aren’t like us. And sometimes who we don’t like. But all of this works together to help us grow into the people we are meant to become.

Do yourself, your kids, and the world a favor, raise them in community. Expose them to other people who can help them grow in all areas of their lives.

The Best Advice

It Can Wait!

Today’s post will be short and sweet.

I am sharing with you the best piece of parenting advice I have ever gotten.

As an OCD, Type A personality, I bet you can imagine how much I like order and cleanliness.

I want the dishes to be done. I want the floors to be clean. I hate clutter.

One day, when my children were small, I was bemoaning the fact that I couldn’t figure out how to keep my house in order with little ones. What one woman said to me next changed my whole perspective.

What she said was, “It can wait.”

She told me to sit down on my dirty floor, ignore the dirty dishes, and play with my children. They are only small once, she said, and you don’t want to spend their entire lives worrying about how clean the house is instead of playing with them and enjoying them while you have the chance. You can wash dishes when they go to bed. You can do a quick pick up while they play in the tub. Don’t let their memories of you be all about your obsession with keeping the house clean. Rather, help them build memories of you playing together.

Now, you could take this to the extreme and never, ever clean your house, but that is not what I am suggesting.

You could also take this to the extreme and never, ever teach your children to clean up the house, but that is not what I am suggesting.

I am just saying that sometimes, it is okay, even good, to let things go. Dirty dishes, laundry, vacuuming, and dusting will always need to be done. But our children will not always be little and need a playmate. They will not always be teenagers who need our listening ear. One day they will grow up and (hopefully) move out. And they need to know that they are more important to us than a perfectly clean home.

It can wait.

(And when the day comes that my children move out, I will be so glad to have a clean house that stays that way for more than five minutes, but in the meantime, I will enjoy having them around and seeing a house that is well lived in!)

Giving Grace

Confession time. Again.

I wrote yesterday’s blog post and was feeling pretty okay about how we have chosen to handle discipline with our children.

And then in the night, just 6 hours before the blog post was scheduled to go live, I once again found myself face to face with one of my children about an issue that I thought we had taken care of previously.

In case you were wondering, that was at approximately 2:03 a.m.

I then laid there for the next who knows how long wondering what exactly I am doing wrong in parenting this child and why what we are doing isn’t working.

It was in those moments that one word came to me: grace.

Yes, I have to give grace to my children, the same way that God gives grace to me, but more importantly I have to give grace to myself.

Parents, we have to give ourselves grace.

A friend of mine defines grace this way:

Grace is when we get what we don’t deserve.

Another definition is:

the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

In other words, giving ourselves grace is letting things go and not punishing ourselves like we think we deserve.

We are not going to be perfect parents. We aren’t even going to come close.

We are going to mess up. We are going to snap. We are going to have moments that we think will likely send our children straight into counseling for their entire adult lives.

The minute we think we have the parenting thing down-pat, there will be an event that makes us question our ability to keep ourselves sane and alive, much less raise children.

In these moments, we have to remember that we aren’t called to do this parenting thing all on our own. We have a God who is right there, ready and willing to help us as soon as we ask. A God of grace.

Rest in that.

Keep doing your best, with God’s help, and allow yourself grace when you think your parenting skills are lacking.

 

 

Spare the Rod…

Correction

Discipline. Such a tricky topic.

Proverbs 13:24 (NIV) says:

Whoever spares the rod hates their children,
    but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.

Many people tend to get hung up on the “spare the rod” part of this verse. Some because they believe spanking is a necessary part of discipline, and some because they do not think spanking is a good idea. The Message says it this way:

A refusal to correct is a refusal to love;
    love your children by disciplining them.

Rather than thinking in terms of corporal punishment, it is better to think in terms of correction and discipline, and what our stance on correction and discipline says about us to our children.

From a very young age, it has been important to my husband and I to make sure that we handled discipline for our children well. Discipline is necessary if we are going to teach our children responsibility. Discipline is necessary to show children that there are consequences for their actions. We are living in a world where no one wants to take responsibility for their actions and live with their consequences. I think that this is tied directly to the fact that as children, many weren’t taught to be responsible for their actions and understand the concept of consequences.

In addition, children will never learn obedience to God if they have never learned obedience to their parents.

One of the key pieces in discipline for me has been getting my children to understand what they did wrong, why it was wrong, and why discipline and consequences are necessary. Or in a shorter way, getting to the heart of my children.

The interesting thing is that all children are different and it takes different methods to get to their heart. One of my children is very repentant and it doesn’t take much to get confession and repentance. The other one takes a bit longer to get there. (I’ll leave it up to you to decide which is which.)

There have been some constants in the way our family approaches discipline:

  • The bathroom is the “neutral” zone of the house and where we meet to talk. This way the location isn’t a bedroom or common family area, and we can go back to regular life in the rest of the house.
  • If spanking was warranted, we used a wooden spoon, rather than our hands, and explained that the spoon was a tool we were using for discipline, rather than our own self. We had a 3-swat maximum. And that was only for the worst offense, which in our house is lying.
  • Before spanking or handing out consequences, there is always a discussion time where the child has to tell us what they did wrong, why it was wrong, and ask for forgiveness. Then the parent talks with them about the offense, explains why discipline is necessary from a Biblical standpoint and a relational standpoint (both between us and the child and God and the child).
  • Then the swat(s) or consequences come.
  • After that is a (long) time of loving on the child, voicing forgiveness, telling that from that point on that they are forgiven and we were moving forward.
  • Then we leave the bathroom and are done with it, hopefully with some heart change on the part of the child so that we didn’t have to come back to the bathroom for the same issue.

(Note: Now that our children are 11 and nearly 14, spanking is not the discipline of choice, and even before that, spanking was used rarely; likely because discipline was happening all day every day as we taught them right and wrong, so we often didn’t get to that point.)

But not every child or every offense is so cut-and-dry. That’s where you have to get creative. That’s where you have to understand your child and what makes them tick. That is where you have to call out to God for guidance because frankly, sometimes, you have NO FREAKING CLUE how to get to the heart of your child.

Some children respond well to grounding. Some don’t. Some children need a challenge to work for rather than consequences to avoid. Some children need to talk it out. Some children don’t. Some children respond well to discussion and are immediately repentant. Some children get angry and need some time to cool off and think before they are able to be repentant.

The only constant about discipline is that it is necessary. We must provide discipline and correction for our children. It is required.

But everything else about how you do it has to be somewhat flexible based on the child, the offense, and the parent.

If you know you have a tendency to get out of control angry at your child, spanking is probably not a good form of discipline for you to use.

If you know that you have a tendency to talk things to death and your child zones out about 10 seconds into your talk, then perhaps you need to adjust the way you discipline them.

If you keep having to discipline your child for the same offense over and over and you aren’t getting anywhere, then the consequences probably need to change, as well as the way you are handling the discipline.

Like I said at the beginning, this is a tough subject. But it is a necessary one. Because we are molding our children’s hearts, not just their behavior. And heart change is lasting change.

Resources that have helped me in the area of discipline:

Born to Fly

Born to Fly

I haven’t done a Monday Music during my October 31-Days, but this week and next I want to share with you songs that are my songs for my kids. These are the songs that when I hear them, I think of my kids.

Today is my song for Anne.

I remember listening to this song as we drove into town on the way home from the hospital with her and just being joyful and teary-eyed all at the same time.

I want the best for her. I want her to find her wings and fly. I want her to embrace who God created her to be, and find the peace that comes with that. I want to see her succeed, not in the way the world defines success, but in the way that God defines success. And I know that as she continues to grow, this will bring moments of letting go for me that will be bittersweet. There will also be moments that she wants to get going on this life of hers, and it won’t quite be time. But in the end, I know she will fly, because that is what she was born to do.

Born To Fly
Sara Evans

I’ve been tellin’ my dreams to the scarecrow
‘Bout the places that I’d like to see
I said, friend do you think I’ll ever get there
Ah, but he just stands there smilin’ back at me

So I confessed my sins to the preacher
About the love I’ve been prayin’ to find
Is there a brown eyed boy in my future, yeah
He says. girl you’ve got nothin’ but time

But how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born, you were born to fly

My daddy, he’s grounded like the oak tree
My momma, she is steady as the sun
Oh you know I love my folks
But I keep starin’ down the road
Just lookin’ for my one chance to run

Yeah, ’cause I will soar away like the blackbird
I will blow in the wind like a seed
I will plant my heart in the garden of my dreams
And I will grow up where I’ll wander wild and free

Oh, how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born
You were born yeah
You were born to fly

So how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know that you were born
You were born to fly fly fly fly

Dreaming About the Future

Dream

Do you know where kids live in time? They live in the here and now. They want to have fun. They want to do what they want to do and they want to do it now. Not tomorrow. Not in 5 minutes. Now. (Unless of course we are asking them to do something they don’t want to do, then they will do it “later,” but that is another post.)

Our kids aren’t thinking about how persevering through a tough time in life now will benefit them when they hit a rough spot later.

They aren’t thinking about how developing responsibility now will be helpful to them in the home and workplace as adults.

And they aren’t thinking about how doing well in school now will affect what they choose to do with their life.

That means that as parents, one of our jobs has to be helping them see that now affects the future.

It also means that we have to start now to help them dream about what they want their future to look like.

Some kids may be born with a natural drive, but it still needs to be focused.

Some kids may be born with a natural talent, but it still needs to be nurtured.

Think back to when you were a kid. Did you have parents that helped you think about the future and what you would like to become?

Did you have parents who helped you focus your dreams and talents so you knew the direction you were headed?

Or not?

How did that affect you?

My parents consistently talked about going to college and talked with us about what we wanted to do.

I wanted to be a wife, mother, Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, singer, and lawyer.

They encouraged my musical talent. They encouraged me in school. I may not have ended up in law, but that was because God pointed me in a different direction (and who knows, law school may come at some point yet).

Kids don’t magically know what they want to be when they grow up. They have to be directed. They have to be focused. And as parents, we have to be the ones to dream with them and help them find that direction and focus.

Now, we have to be careful with this. We need to dream our children’s dreams with them, not our own dreams for what we want them to become. Too often, parents impose their own desires on their children. We see this in sports, and eventually in career choices. Children forced into their parents’ ideals are not happy children and they are not fulfilled adults.

So, before you start dreaming with your children, talk to them, watch them, let them show you what their strengths and dreams are. Then give your support, encouragement, and start showing them what it means to dream, plan, set goals, and look at how the present affects the future.

Let’s give our kids the gift of dreams.

Always Open

OPEN

In 2003, a few weeks before Ty was born, I was suffering from that all-too-familiar thing called “mommy guilt.” Here I had spent the previous two, almost three, years focusing all of my attention on sweet little Anne. She could climb up on my lap at any time. She got all of our snuggles and focus. And now, that was all going to change because of this new baby that was coming in to our home.

Did Anne have any concept of this? Absolutely not! But I did. I was afraid that she would feel neglected. After all, I knew what kind of attention a new baby took. I knew what it was like to nurse a new baby. I knew that my lap would be occupied much of the time with this new life coming into our home.

I remember sitting on the couch one evening, my pregnant belly taking away much of the room on my lap that Anne had enjoyed for the first part of her life, but she was doing her best to sit on that ever-dwindling lap. While she sat there, I remember telling her that there would always be room for her on my lap. Even if I was nursing the baby. Even if he got bigger and seemed to take up too much space. She could always climb up.

My kids are 11 and almost 14 now. It isn’t very often that they climb up on my lap anymore. But as they have grown, they have learned something even more important – mom’s lap isn’t the only thing that is always open. Have a bad dream or are feeling sick? Climb on in to mom’s bed. Have a bad day? Curl up in mom’s arms. Need to talk about something that is bothering you? Mom’s ears are ready to listen. And all of this is true, because mom’s heart is always open. It doesn’t matter if it is 2:00 a.m. or 2:00 p.m., mom is there, ready and available.

And here’s the thing, because they know that my heart is always open to them, they are learning to keep their heart open to me. When there are things we need to talk about – whether it be what is happening in the world, correction that I need to give them, or something else, they are ready and willing to hear from me. When there is something going on in my life that is making it hard for me to get through, guess who is there and ready to love on me? Yep, those same kids!

A huge part of parenting is being available to our children. When we get too busy, we are in essence, closing ourselves off from these children that need us more than anything. I heard one time that once children reach the age of 10, their parents are no longer the primary influence in their lives. Instead, the primary influence becomes their peers. This is a scary statistic to me, knowing what I know about our society. I do my best to fight this. This is why I make myself readily available to my children. This is why I spend time with them. This is why I make sure that they know I am always open to whatever they need from me.

Be sure you are hanging out the “OPEN” sign to your children. Be available to them. Be ready to listen. Be there for them. They need you.

Beautiful

Beautiful

Let’s start with the obvious.

It is hard to be a woman in today’s society when it comes to our looks.

Body image. Models. Photoshop. Exercise plans. Get thin quick hoaxes. Diets. Songs that project a standard no woman can reach. Fat. Skinny. Chunky. Bulky. Ugly. Beautiful. Quirky. Pretty. Cute. It is too much. And I propose we switch out all of these words and standards for a different word. Yes, just one word.

Created.

All of us were created in the image of God. That means that no matter what we look like, what our body-type is, how our hair looks, how tall, short, fat, or thin we are, we are beautiful because that is the way that God created us. Psalm 139 says he knit us together in our mother’s womb.” I knit. It isn’t a quick thing. It takes time. It is a process. He took the time to work on us and make us to be exactly the way He wanted us to be.

And all of our daughters (and sons) need to hear this. I focus more on daughters, because most often we are seeing women portrayed in a certain way in our society. You have to be this or that if you want to be popular. You can’t be this or that if you want to be accepted. Photoshop has scarred the way women see themselves.

News flash – no one looks like the women on the magazines, even the women on the magazines, without lots of work, much of which happens on a computer screen.

Navigating this with our daughters is tricky. We want them to feel good about who they are. We want them to make healthy choices with their lives. But we can’t allow them to hear that they don’t look good enough, or that so-and-so is prettier, or does their hair better, or dresses better, etc.

We have to be the ones who remind them that they are beautiful, because that is exactly how God created them.

Period.

End of story.

No hairstyle, clothing item, diet plan, photo angle, or anything else can make us more beautiful than the beauty of being created in the image of God.

Let’s start making sure that our girls are being taught, shown, and told this daily. Let’s figure this out for ourselves so that we are able to believe what we are telling our daughters. Let’s embrace who we are created to be and help our girls embrace who they are created to be.

You are beautiful.

Because God created you.

In Common

I am the oldest of three GIRLS. I like girly things. I have no trouble at all relating to my DAUGHTER. We can go shopping, watch a girly movie, do our nails, just hang out, whatever. It is no problem finding areas in which we can connect. It is natural to me because I am a girl who grew up with other girls.

Now, Ty, on the other hand is a BOY. And yes, I married a boy, but that doesn’t mean I know anything about how to raise one.

I mean, who knew that around fifth grade boys get emotional. This bursting into tears at the most random times I expected from my GIRL, not from my BOY!

All along I have tried to figure out how to find ways to connect with my son. I don’t really get into trucks, Legos, Star Wars, strange cartoons (Pokemon? The Last Airbender? The Clone Wars?), and all those other things that are “boy” for fun. But that isn’t an excuse to just not connect with my son.

I need to be able to have fun, create special memories, facilitate conversation, and get to know him for him, even though it is totally different from the way I can do it with Anne.

So, guess what? I have watched Star Wars (1-6) more than I ever dreamed possible, and spent just as many hours hearing the detail of every character involved as well as all about George Lucas (and now the sale to Disney and the upcoming movie). I have learned what Lego sets are acceptable and which ones are not. I have learned more than I ever cared to know about this thing called Minecraft. I have spent countless hours watching Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., even though it wouldn’t be my number one pick of television shows to watch. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am choosing to find (and make) common places for my son and I to interact. Yes, there are some more natural ones that we both enjoy like riding bikes, but these common places are less about what I like, and more about what I can to do show my son that I want to spend time with him doing what he enjoys. I am even planning to take him indoor rock-climbing this fall, because that is something that he has been wanting to try. And let’s be honest, I work out a lot, but I am scared that I am going to make a fool of myself trying to climb a rock wall. But I am willing to give it a try if it means a day with my son doing something that he will enjoy.

Finding these common places with the child(ren) you don’t relate to as easily is hard. It takes work. It takes selflessness. But it is necessary and needed.

What are some ways that you have worked to relate to your child(ren)?