So, life has been a bit of a crap shoot lately when it comes to consistent exercise of any kind. Funny how three years of seminary can do that to a person. Exhaustion, health stuff, homework, and everything else have gotten in the way more often than I want to discuss.
BUT, since finishing seminary, I have been working harder at being consistent. Sometimes successfully, and sometimes not, but at least I am trying, right?!
PiYo will always be my soul-mate workout, but running will always be my first love. Ever since my meniscus surgery five years ago, I have been scared to do too much running for fear of another injury. Well, that and my favorite half marathon falls on the same weekend as prom here in Greenville, which my daughter has attended the last two years, so I haven’t had that race to work toward.
In 2020, I don’t have a kid going to prom so I am thinking that it is time to do the Mini Indy again!
But that means I have to start running again. Regularly. And based on my life, that means I have to get up at the butt-crack of dawn, (or pre-butt crack as one of my friends calls it) which is 5:00 a.m., to run. And let’s just say, I have grown accustomed to sleeping until much later in the morning.
I used to get up even earlier than 5:00 am to go run. I even remember a 2:30 Sunday morning wake-up for a 3:00 am long run when we were training for the Goofy. (BTW – Sunday early morning runs are the BEST because there is NO ONE out and about so you don’t have to worry about getting hit by a car, AND you get to see beautiful sunrises.)
I made a plan. I like my plan. It takes my training right up to 1/2 marathon week. The problem is executing the plan and actually getting out of bed at 5:00 a.m. when the alarm goes off AND staying awake through the entire day that is filled with various activities that require my being awake.
After three failed attempts this week, yesterday, with the help of a 2nd alarm, I did it! I got up! I ran! I felt great! The weather was perfect! I remembered why I love running!
But, as my life goes, yesterday was a VERY long day (a good one that included baby snuggles), and today, no such rising with the alarm.
Trisha Yearwood has a song called “One in a Row.” It has nothing to do with running, but I keep singing part of the chorus in my head: “That makes one in a row, one in a row, one in a row. One in a row.” At this point in my life I am taking one in a row as a good thing, a start, and the hope of two in a row coming very soon.
No matter what it is that you are working toward – an exercise routine, a meal-prep plan, a degree, not strangling your children, getting out of bed in the morning, reading a book, or some other challenge, I offer you this word of hope today – every time you accomplish even the smallest of tasks, give yourself a pat on the back for getting one in a row. And then do the same thing tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.
As for me, I am going to keep on pushing toward my goal of completing half-marathon number 16 in May 2020, and celebrating every one in a row that I can count.
“2019 has been a rough year for me,” is the nice version of what I have been saying about this year that has brought with it many challenges.
There’s just one problem with this statement: 2019 hasn’t ONLY brought challenges! 2019 has also brought with it celebrations, vacations, girls trips, lake days, family time, laughter and so much more.
And yet, my focus has been on anything but these positive pieces of the year.
Why is that? Why do we tend to focus on the bad/hard/frustrating stuff instead of the good/uplifting/amazing stuff?
I think it is because we have allowed ourselves to be conditioned to see everything in black (bad) and white (good), AND we have allowed ourselves to fall into the complaining trap.
Remember Thumper from Bambi?
“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.”
We tend to think about what Thumper’s mother taught him in terms of what we say to others, which is a good practice to have. But what we say to OURSELVES is just as important!
When we consistently tell ourselves that 2019 has been a crappy year, guess what? 2019 is going to look like a crappy year because we are focused on the crappy stuff that we have had to go through. BUT, if we were to change that narrative to say there have been some struggles in 2019, as there are in any year, but there have been some REALLY GOOD things this year that have brought me joy, how might our entire outlook on the year change?
I was reminded of this (AGAIN – it takes time for me to learn stuff sometimes) in a conversation I had last week. And as a result of that conversation, I pulled out my Gratitude Journal that I started a few years ago, while reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.
I had made it to 300 before the journal got buried underneath other stuff in my Contemplative Corner, which is a pretty good picture of what had happened in my life lately. I had let the stuff of life cover over my gratitude.
So on Friday afternoon last week, I laid outside in my hammock, listening to the sounds of nature and community, and over the course of an hour or so I added 50 more items to my list. And you know what happened by doing that one action? I felt my heart shift. I felt my eyes begin to see things in a fresh light (again). I found myself looking for things for which I am thankful. I found myself grabbing that Gratitude Journal and adding to the list almost daily.
When we choose to focus on gratitude, it becomes almost impossible to complain. You know why? Because we don’t see the things to complain about, we only see things for which we are grateful. It’s all about our FOCUS!
I Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing,give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” and Psalm 118:29 (along with MANY other places) says, “O give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.”
When we FOCUS on giving thanks IN every circumstance (note: this is NOT giving thanks FOR every circumstance), and we recognize the goodness and the love of God that endures forever (despite whatever circumstances we are facing), our outlook can’t help but be one of thanksgiving and gratitude.
And the more we are grateful, the more we see for which to be grateful, which makes us more grateful, and so on, and so on. It’s kind of like a gratitude snowball that keeps building and building as it goes.
I know it is Wednesday, and Mondays are usually the music days, but since I didn’t get a blog up on Monday, you get a twofer today. This song says it beautifully. So take a listen and then take a few minutes to write down some stuff for which you are thankful. It’s what we all need.
The first week of August I was in Baltimore, Maryland for the Big Tent conference of the Presbyterian Church (USA). This was my third time at this event, previously in Knoxville and St. Louis. Every time I attend I am challenged, encouraged and grateful to be a part of the PC (USA). As I sat in worship on Thursday evening, the Community Concert Choir of Baltimore blessed us with this song.
As I sat and listened one particular line jumped out at me: The world is ever changing, but you are still the same. It almost felt like it smacked me in the face with truth. I immediately grabbed a pen and paper and wrote it down. I mean, I know that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, I have known that forever. And I know that the world is in a constant state of change, anyone can see that every day of their lives. But in that moment, those words washed over me and filled me with peace.
I am at this place in life where everything feels up in the air and I don’t really know what God is planning to do next. I have multiple questions and no real answers yet; other than trust that God will indeed order my steps. In the midst of a world that is constantly changing, in the midst of questions and wondering about what the future holds, I can trust that the God I serve is the same God that created the world, that created me, that called me to ministry, and will continue to lead me on the path for which I was created
Order my steps in Your word dear Lord, Lead me, guide me everyday, Send Your anointing, Father I pray; Order my steps in Your word, Please, order my steps in Your word.
Humbly, I ask Thee teach me Your will, While You are working, help me be still, ‘Cos Satan is busy, God is real; Order my steps in Your word, Please, order my steps in Your word.
Bridle my tongue let my words edify, Let the words of my mouth be acceptable in Thy sight, Take charge of my thoughts both day and night; Order my steps in Your word, Please order my steps in Your word.
I want to walk worthy, My calling to fulfill, Please order my steps Lord, And I’ll do Your blessed will.
The world is ever changing, But You are still the same; Please order my steps, Lord I’ll praise Your name. Order my steps in Your word. Order my tongue in Your word. Guide my feet in Your word. Wash my heart in Your word. Show me how to walk in Your word. Show me how to talk in Your word. When I need a brand new song to sing, Show me how to let Your praises ring,
Mondays always feel like an opportunity to start fresh, but if you read my post from yesterday, you know I think every moment is an opportunity to do so, AND that I am at a point in my life where I am focusing in again on my health and wellness after a rough couple of years.
I also have recognized that I haven’t been writing the way that I need to be. Writing is how I process life, and how I sort through things I am learning. This is understandable as over the last 3+ years I have been only writing papers for seminary that were REQUIRED, and of course sermons to preach that were NECESSARY. But I miss writing for fun and just because I want to write!
So, in addition to getting back on track with my health and fitness, I am going to work on getting back on track with blogging as well. So, let’s kick it off with Music Monday!
This morning, as I was sitting in my contemplative corner listening to some music at the start of my devotion time, anticipating re-starting my soulmate workout that kick-started my weight loss a few years ago, thinking about some things the Lord has stirring in my spirit, and even wondering what I might do for today’s post, this song came on and it felt like a gift just for me this morning. Take a listen. See if maybe it re-lights a fire in you to stop waiting and start taking a chance on something new!
There’s a fire inside, you can feel it burning It’s a neon light glowing like a furnace And the night is long but the world keeps turning You gotta know it, it’s not the end
Every new sunrise is one step closer It’s a sign in the sky that the fight’s not over So face the world, it’s now or never This is the moment, let it begin
This could change everything Can you feel it now, something’s in the air? This could change everything I know we’re gonna know it when we get there No more waiting, I’m taking the chance This could change everything Let it begin
See the world outside in technicolor Be the one who paints outside the numbers Like a child who is lost in wonder I don’t wanna lose it, I’m breathing it in
This could change everything Can you feel it now, something’s in the air? This could change everything I know we’re gonna know it when we get there No more waiting, I’m taking the chance This could change everything Let it begin
You can feel it coming like a flood Wash over us, wash over us Let the future we’ve been dreaming up Wash over us, wash over us You can feel it coming like a flood Wash over us, wash over us Let the future we’ve been dreaming up Wash over us, wash over us
This could change everything Can you feel it now, something’s in the air? This could change everything I know we’re gonna know it when we get there No more waiting, I’m taking the chance This could change everything Let it begin
It’s true. Life happens. And it happens EVERY SINGLE DAY.
When I look at the pictures of my transformation between June 2014 and July 2015 I absolutely love it. But when I look at myself four years later, I don’t like it much at all. I worked so hard to lose that 50 pounds, and I kept it off for a long time. But then life happened.
3+ years of Seminary on top of work and family = STRESS
Loss of my father = GRIEF
Bouts of depression and anxiety =DAILY STRUGGLE
3+ months of illness = NO EXERCISE
And all of this led to me eating things I had previously removed from my normal eating patterns. Many days I didn’t have it in me to get off of the couch to make one healthy meal, much less meal prep for the week as was my habit.
For most of the last four years I continued to work out, while trying my best to fight the urges to eat things like ice cream covered in caramel and tortilla chips covered in cheese, but the culmination of seminary paired with an extended illness even took that away from me, and it wasn’t long before my clothes weren’t fitting right again.
The good news is that the healthy habits I have created over the years paired with the things that I have learned through my journey are never lost, and every minute of every day is an opportunity to embrace what I know to be true and live into that truth.
Since I have been feeling better, I have added exercise back into my routine, and have been slowly working my way back to my norm of five to six workouts per week. It has been HARD, but I am trying and will get there. I have also gotten back to tracking EVERY SINGLE THING that goes into my mouth. This is also hard, but a necessary piece of the weight-loss puzzle that will get me back to where I want to be.
It would be easy (and has been) to beat myself up for eating things I typically choose not to eat, and for skipping workouts. It would be easy (and has been) to cringe every single time I look in the mirror or delete every picture that made me feel fat.
But I refuse to let set-backs be what define me.
There’s a saying out there that says, “fall down seven times, stand up eight.” When life happens, we don’t have to succumb to the fall, we can and should always get back up.
Anne of Green Gables is one of my favorite book series and movie series and it includes this saying: “Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it.” In other words, it’s never too late for a fresh start.
So here’s to standing back up, making a fresh start, and not letting the stuff of life get the better of us.
O God, you have bound us together in a common life. Help us, in the midst of our struggles for justice and truth, to confront one another without hatred or bitterness, and to work together with mutual forbearance and respect; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
The Book of Common Prayer of the Episcopal Church
I have been quiet lately. Ok, I have been quiet for a long time when it comes to this blog. Life has been, let’s say, a chaos of my own making. What that really means is that I was the one who said, “yes” when God said, “go to seminary.” For the last 2-1/2 years I have been continuing my life as wife, mother, housekeeper (although I should probably be fired from that one), Growth & Nurture Leader, race director, and friend (even though I sometimes have failed at that one) while attempting to keep my head above water in a great but challenging Master of Divinity program. How’s that going, you ask? Well, let’s just say I will be done December 10, but who’s counting?
I have loved seminary. From the friends I have made to the professors that have influenced me to the subjects that have challenged me, I have loved seminary. But it has been a challenging time. Between the rigors of classes – time management, paper writing, reading (and then reading some more) – and the constant nature of life, including the grief of losing my dad – there have been times of struggle, joy, hardship and hope. And even now there is anticipation and uncertainty about what God’s plans are for my family and I as we near the completion of the ordination process in the PC(USA). You know what happens in times like this? Anxiety.
Anxiety isn’t necessarily good or bad. In fact it can be both and it can be neutral. It is our response to anxiety that is the real issue. Nowhere is this more prevalent than in our country right now. Turn on the TV and you are bombarded by political ads. Turn on the radio and get more of the same. Drive down the street and see signs in yards all around you. Sit in a restaurant and hear people talking about who to vote for. Scroll through Facebook and feel the anxiety rise.
The other day, I saw a friend post an article on Facebook. It was a good article with good points to think about. But what got me was the conversation (or confrontation) that then happened in the comments section under the post. Here was a post by a Christian friend, meant to share some insight, with comments by another Christian friend that didn’t just take issue with the article, but took issue with the poster’s personal convictions and viewpoint. Now, I know this is nothing new, this is what seems to be happening everywhere and social media is just one of the arenas where people seem to be unable to interact in ways that build up instead of tear down, but this particular incident just won’t let me sit back and stay silent any longer.
The assigned reading for one of my fall classes spoke directly to what I was feeling today as it took on the idea of “We versus They.” See if any of these things sound familiar to you:
“What creates polarization is not the actual content of the issue on which a ‘family’ splits. It is rather emotional processes that foster conflict of wills (efforts to convert one another).”
“Unfortunately, today’s polarization is maintained by a bold competitiveness. The goal of conflict is to win. No thought is given to ‘we sink or swim together.’ Instead, one party swims and the other must sink.”
“Conflict is no longer a time for learning but for conquering. Domination supplants education. Civility and courtesy give way to sneers and shouting.”
“People function at the level of the primitive brain, breaking everything into this or that, black or white, plus or minus.”
“Behaviors become more aggressive–shouting down the opposite side, belittling them, using in-your-face tactics to intimidate…”
“Bogged down in a standoff, people are apt to use conflict as a way of carrying out a competition, rather than as education. The situation becomes increasingly negative and hostile.”
Steinke, Peter L. Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times: Being Calm and Courageous No Matter What
I don’t know about you, but I felt like the author was writing about the political and social climate we live in, rather than what happens in churches when there is conflict. These are the kinds of responses that I see happening all around me, and I am pretty sure that most of you could say the same.
When we dig in our heels and determine that we are right, no matter what, we essentially cut ourselves off from learning anything new, seeing anyone else’s point of view as valid, and ultimately from fostering relationships with anyone whose viewpoint differs from our own. And I’m gonna say it: that includes God.
“But,” you might say, “God is on my side!” WRONG! Regardless of what side you are on, it has nothing to do with what side God is on. In the Facebook thread I noted earlier, someone used this quote from Abraham Lincoln:
Sir, my concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God’s side, for God is always right.
Abraham Lincoln
Now, on the internet you can find lots of quotes from lots of people and some of them are correctly attributed to their authors, and some are not, but regardless of whether or not this is actually something that Abraham Lincoln himself said, there is some striking truth to the statement. Shouldn’t we be looking for where God is at work and partnering with God there instead of assuming that we know what God’s stance is on this, that or the other? Shouldn’t our response to the issues that plague us today be to jump in and bring peace, justice and hope, rather than simply criticize the powers that be?
Now, there will be some that will say, “But that is what the Bible says,” about their pet issue, but guess what? Anyone can make the Bible say anything they want if they take it out of context. I am a lover of God’s Word, but one of the things I have learned is that you can’t take one verse or one idea and throw the rest out. You have to take the Bible, as a whole, and look at the overarching story of God’s plan and purposes for the world. You have to see through the eyes of Jesus and really consider how the qualities of God’s Kingdom look nothing like the qualities of this world. There comes a point at which I have to empty myself of all that I hold dear and let the Spirit of God fill me with love, mercy and grace so that I can truly live as a beloved child of God, bringing that love, mercy, and grace of God to all of God’s beloved children – whether they look like me, believe like me, or not.
In the grand scheme of things, what does more good for God’s Kingdom: railing against illegal immigrants or caring for foreign children who have been separated from their parents? being determined that no one is going to take away your guns or entering into meaningful action to help those who suffer from mental illness? This list could go on and on about the many issues at hand in our world, but the list isn’t the point. The point is, how do we, who claim to be followers of Jesus Christ, God incarnate, live into that incarnation and embody Christ in every word and every act? How do we pick up our feet from where they have been grounded, and move into a place where we can hear one another, love one another, and act in ways that embody the values of God’s Kingdom? Isn’t it time to let go of what we think is right and take hold of what God knows is right?
Each morning as I rise, I sit in what I am calling my “Contemplative Corner” where I listen to uplifting music for a minimum of fifteen minutes before spending some time reading God’s Word, journaling and praying. This morning, I was particularly touched by this song that captures some of what I am saying today. Take a listen. Spend some time with God. And see where the motion of God’s mercy might take you today.
Montgomery Gentry sings a song entitled Tattoos & Scars. The key line says “tattoos and scars are different things. And yes, they are. Kind of. But one of the things that makes them similar is the story that they carry.
Have you ever seen someone with tattoos and asked them to tell you about them? It is usually an amazing experience to hear what prompted the tattoo or the story behind it. The same is true of scars, but often, we don’t see people’s scars because they are hidden or may not even be physical scars.
In November 2016, I got my first tattoo at the age of 42 after thinking and crafting and trying to decide if this was something that I was willing to live with for the rest of my life. It has a story, and deep meaning for me. It is a heart because everything that I do in my life I want to do in and with love. There is a cross at the center because I choose to put Christ at the center of all that I say and do. My children’s initials are there because they are a gift of love from God. There are 3 smaller hearts that signify Father, Son, Spirit; health of mind, body, and soul, and Mike, Anne, and Ty.
I also have scars. Physical ones that remind me of running down the rocky alley in flip-flops, and our childhood cat, Fluffy, that was NOT meant to be an inside snuggle cat (but don’t tell my sister Stephanie, she still won’t believe you). I have incision scars from fertility testing, gall bladder removal, and appendix removal, that remind me of not only those procedures but all of the circumstances that surrounded those times.
But then there are the scars that you can’t see, the ones that I carry with me from words harshly spoken, friendships broken or lost, and many other hurts that have come from different situations over the years. These are the ones that tend to be hidden away in the deepest recesses of ourselves and every now and then something happens to bring our attention to them. Maybe the memory is just that, a memory, because we have been able to heal from the experience. But sometimes the scars are nasty because they keep getting ripped open and never heal properly or completely.
When we look at others, there may be some who carry some of their stories on their body as tattoos, but most people carry their stories within themselves, in places that we can’t see. What we can see is someone who is sad, angry, aloof, removed, attempting to cover their hurt with a smile and a joke, pushing their kid to do more and be more, or a host of other actions and emotions.
What if, instead of judging them we offered them grace?
What if, instead of assuming we know what’s going on, we asked them to share their story?
What if we are the balm that helps them to heal from whatever gave them their scar?
It’s easy to see and feel our own scars. It’s harder for us to acknowledge that others have them as well. It is harder still to recognize that some of those scars we have inflicted upon others or we have reopened by ignoring the story and the person behind them.
When we love our neighbor as ourself, we give them the same kind of care we would give to ourself. I think that means that we listen to their stories and help to heal their wounds in such a way that the scar brings a reminder not of the hurt the caused it, but of the love that helped it to heal.
What do you think?
I would love to see/hear some of your tattoo and scar stories in the comments!
I’ve been pretty quiet lately. Other than a random blog post here and there, I haven’t been writing. Not even in my journal. The last entry was the middle of January 2016. And until yesterday, I hadn’t really realized it.
But as I sat in her office for the first time in a couple of years, my counselor asked me, “How is your writing?”
Nonexistent was my answer.
But the thing is, it’s not just my writing that has been quiet. I have been quiet. I have been silently suffering for months. I have been making it through the days as well as I could, doing what had to be done, but not much more. And other than a random text here and there to a few key people on the really bad days, I have just kept silent.
Why? I’m not sure. I knew the depression was there. I knew it kept cycling lower. I knew it was starting to cripple me in certain ways. But I just suffered in silence. Maybe because I know that people depend on me to be the one who has everything under control. Maybe because I know that even if I am struggling, life goes on and I have to push through. Maybe because I know other people who are in a much worse place than I am. Maybe because I’m too proud and embarrassed that I am human. The list could go on and on.
But the thing is, silence only feeds the darkness. The longer I kept silent and held onto what was happening, the darker things got for me.
Last week I went to dinner with a friend, and for some reason I spoke out the truth of where I have been lately. And the next morning as I started the day, I felt brighter than I had in months. And then I let someone else in, and voila! More brightness. And then I went back to my counselor and let her in, and things got a little brighter.
The darkness comes on slowly, and the light creeps back in slowly as well. But the thing about light is – it always conquers the dark. John 1:5 says, “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” You can’t bring darkness into light, because dark cannot dispel light. But bring a lamp into a dark room and the darkness disappears.
The same is true when we give light to our darkness. When we speak out what is happening inside of us, that reality becomes exposed to light. The more we speak, the more the light shines. The more light shines, the less power the darkness has over us.
So I am going to commit to start writing again: here and in my journal. I am choosing to expose what was in the dark to the light through the words that I write. Stay tuned as I come out of the darkness.
We wore these bracelets for 21 Days to remind us of what we were doing and why we were doing it.
On February 8, 2017, I started a journey.
The winter of 2016-17 has been rough. Some circumstances in the fall led to a depressive dip for me. It was bad enough that some old habits I thought I had broken crept back into my life.
I knew what was happening, but it felt like I was powerless to stop it. I was so down on myself about allowing it to happen, that it kept getting worse.
So I decided that I needed to face what felt like the ultimate depression and ultimate bad habits with an ultimate challenge: Beachbody’s Ultimate Reset.
The Ultimate Reset is 21 days of food and supplements to help detox the body and reset it to the ways in which it was meant to operate.
I was scared. But I was determined. And I found six other women who were just as determined so we decided to walk alongside one another throughout the 21 days in a FB Messenger group.
What I found immediately was how my body needed this time: it had missed the real foods I usually nourished it with. I also remembered just how much I need to spend time preparing my food as it is a natural stress reliever to be in the kitchen chopping and cooking.
Was it difficult? Of course! I got sick less than a week into the program and fought the cold turned sinus infection for the remainder of the program. Some days I was so tired and worn out that it took everything in me to get up and prepare the food. Some days I had to force myself to put the food in my mouth out of sheer exhaustion. But every time I wanted to quit, or cheat, I reminded myself why I was doing this and checked in with my support posse who encouraged me every time.
By part-way into week two, I was feeling tons of extra energy (despite the sickness) and just “lighter” overall. It was actually fun to try some new foods and recipes that I wouldn’t have considered before (and I am an adventurous cook).
At the end of 21 days, I am down 12.8 pounds and 5-1/2 inches, but most importantly, I am relieved of those pesky cravings for junk food and have a renewed focus on eating real food. Oh, and that pesky depression? It is improving as well.
I have decided that at this point in my (busy) life, filled with family, work, school, ministry, volunteer work, and more, I NEED the structure of a PLAN because I can’t be trusted to my own devices. For this reason, I will be working hard to MEALS each week, as well as WORKOUTS each week so that I can continue the momentum I have started.
I have said it before and I will say it again: caring for our bodies isn’t a one and done proposition, rather it is an ongoing process. If we don’t take care of ourselves, no one is going to do it for us and sometimes we just need to be reminded of that truth.
The Ultimate Reset was a great reminder, challenge, and reset for me.
If you are interested in doing something like the Ultimate Reset, I can help you get started.
