Category: Depression

New Year. Same Reality.

It’s a new year. 2013. Remember when the year 2000 seemed like a huge deal?

Resolutions have been made. Some have already been broken. Hope is high for changes of all kinds.

At least it was yesterday.

Today we are back at work and back to whatever it is that makes up our “reality.”

For some it may be what feels like a dead-end job. For some it may be the snooze button on the alarm clock instead of getting up to exercise. For some it may be the fast-food burger instead of healthy salad. For some it may be overdue bills and creditor calls. For some it may be a marriage on life-support. For some it may be doctors and hospitals.

For most of us it is not exactly what we pictured our reality would be when we were growing up.

But no matter what it is, we have a choice: let our circumstances rule us, or let our faith buoy us in the midst of our circumstances.

Instead of lamenting about a job you hate, look for ways to love the people you work with just like Christ loves you.

Instead of beating yourself up about not exercising or eating right, choose to start again right now and pray for help.

Instead of worrying about bills, make sure you are not holding too tightly to your money and are giving to the Lord.

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself in your marriage, start working to show your spouse how much you love them, without expecting anything in return.

Instead of sitting alone in waiting rooms, strike up conversations with others who need to be shown hope.

How we respond to our reality shows what our true character is. And I want my character to be defined as Christ-like. I may not be happy with my day-to-day reality, but I won’t let circumstances rule my life. I will choose faith. I will choose hope. I will choose love.

What will you choose today?

 

Part of the Process

I like to read. A lot.

Much of the time I read novels. Nicholas Sparks. Karen Kingsbury. Angela Hunt. Dee Henderson. Charles Martin. Beverly Lewis. These are just a few of my favorite authors.

I am one of those people who gets absorbed in novels and have been known to cry or get angry about what is happening in a book as if the characters were real.

Last January I hit a dry spell. I couldn’t read. I tried. Over and over. I started one book that would typically take me a couple of days to finish and it took me 6 months.

Finally, in October, the dry spell was over. I could read again. I was devouring books again. I even spent a couple of days on my couch just reading. I can’t remember the last time I did that.

And then it happened. I finished The Nativity Story by Angela Hunt and I couldn’t start another novel.

I’m not sure why. I had one picked out and sitting by my bed, but I couldn’t pick it up.

Instead, I was drawn to a book in a genre that is quickly becoming my favorite: memoirs.

The one calling my name was Angry Conversations with God: A Snarky but Authentic Spiritual Memoir by Susan Isaacs. I bought the book over a year ago and it had just been sitting on my shelf. So I started reading it. And I couldn’t put it down. I finished it in just a couple of days. (And since I pretty much only have time to read before bed, and even that is limited some days, that’s pretty amazing.) In her story, she takes God to counseling, or rather, she takes her image of God to counseling. There is something about the way she writes that just struck a chord with me. The sarcasm, snark, and humor perfectly woven with the real questions, hardships, and struggles that she faced spoke to me. So much so, that when I finished it, I posted this on Facebook:

Just finished “Angry Conversations with God” by Susan Isaacs. Loved it. The subtitle is “A Snarky but Authentic Spiritual Memoir” and it is just that. It is real. It is tough. It deals with the fact that life sucks. It really spoke to me. Read it. If you have ever questioned God or life or your place in it. Read it.

And I meant it. I still do.

After I finished it, I went to pick up the novel that I had picked out (it was still sitting next to my bed) and again I couldn’t.

Instead I was reminded of a book that I had waiting for me in the Kindle App on my iPad. Love Does by Bob Goff. Guess what. Another memoir.

I have been working on it for the last couple of days. I can’t put it down. I keep finding gems that speak to me. Things like:

Jesus told the people He was with that it’s not enough to just look like you love God. He said we’d know the extent of our love for God by how well we loved people.

and:

I once heard somebody say that God had closed a door on an opportunity they had hoped for. But I’ve always wondered if, when we want to do something that we know is right and good, God places that desire deep in our hearts because He wants it for us and it honors Him. Maybe there are times when we think a door has been closed and, instead of misinterpreting the circumstances, God wants us to kick it down. Or perhaps just sit outside of it long enough until somebody tells us we can come in.

I don’t know why I am being drawn to these books. But I think it might be part of the process of coming out of this time of depression and anxiety that has been plaguing me. I think there may be things that I need to learn and I can’t learn them through novels right now. (I have learned much from novels, as well, over the years, but maybe that’s not what I need at this point.) Maybe I can only learn them through other people’s real stories. Through their struggles. Through their pain. Through their redemption. Through their enlightening.

So I guess I’ll keep reading what my heart and mind seem to be looking for – whatever form that takes.

What are you reading these days? How do the books you read affect you?

Struggling

I have been a terrible blogger for the last couple of weeks. I have thought about blogging every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, as is my (plan, custom, habit), but every time I get to the “Add New Post” page, I can’t do it.

I have ideas, but just not the energy or creativity to flesh them out.

I have time, but just not the motivation to use it to blog.

I’m in a funk.

I have noticed in the last couple of weeks the depression has gotten heavier and the anxiety has gotten higher. I have noticed that I am not texting, calling, talking, or Facebooking as much as I typically do. I have noticed I am withdrawing from life, little by little.

There’s no explanation. There’s no reason that I can pinpoint. It is what it is.

I know this happens to me sometimes. I don’t see it coming. And I don’t necessarily see it happening until I am in the midst of it. And once in the midst of it, I don’t know how to get out of it.

I try. I pray. I read. I make myself reach out. I force myself to smile. I purposely put myself with people instead of staying by myself.

But that doesn’t necessarily change anything. I have to wait it out. I have to pray that it lifts sooner rather than later. And I have to remember that it will lift. And I will get to the other side. Just like I have many times before.

I don’t write this post so you will feel sorry for me. I write this post for those of you who struggle like me. There is hope. And it comes in unexpected ways. This week, it was a reading in Jesus Calling and it came at a time when I really needed it.

If you are struggling right now, I encourage you to look for the beauty, the reasons to be thankful, the life all around you. It may not change your circumstances, but it will change your outlook on those circumstances.

That’s what I am working on today.

A Little Goes a Long Way

Proverbs 16:24
Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Two people blessed me yesterday simply with the power of their gracious words. In the midst of my crazy busy life, at home and at work, when sometimes I get overwhelmed with the gravity of the negative, these two women spoke words that were truly sweet to my soul and healing to my bones (and heart, and spirit).

Never forget the power of your words to bring healing to others. Never forget that a simple thank you (be specific), goes a long way to bringing joy to another person’s life. Never forget that your words have the power to help and heal or to hurt and tear down. It is you that makes the choice to speak words of hope, health, joy, grace and gratitude.

It doesn’t have to be much: a phone call, text or Facebook message, e-mail, or face-to-face as you pass in the hall will all do the trick.

Who will you bless with your gracious words today?

No Condemnation

Everything I have run across in the last couple of weeks keeps sending me back to Romans 8. Devotionals, Facebook posts, church, etc. It must be time for me to spend some time there again. In the meantime, I read this recently and thought that I would share it with you.

Condemnation is a heavy burden to bear. No matter the source of the condemnation and no matter the reason, condemnation crushes the life out of us all when given the opportunity. Many of us live our lives condemned because we have been unable or unwilling to permit that burden to be removed. Sometimes the condemnation is self-imposed, and we just cannot forgive ourselves for what seems to be, in our own estimation, some great failure. Sometimes the condemnation comes from outside ourselves for failures in the eyes of others. Whether these failures are relatively insignificant or enormous, the burden of condemnation is hard to bear. Therefore the words of Jesus–“neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again” (John 8:11)–are music to our ears. To know that we do not need to carry the failures of the past into the future is good news indeed. Jesus came not to condemn the world but to save the world (John 3:17). The good news for all of us declares that the chains binding us to past failures can be broken; we can be set free to live all our tomorrows without condemnation.

Stop and think for a moment about all those memories that keep invading your consciousness to convince you that you are condemned. And then remember these words of the New Testament: “Who is to condemn? It is Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us” (Romans 8:34). There is no condemnation for those who walk with Christ.

Today offer all the condemnations of the past and present–silly and substantial–to God in Christ Jesus and hear the words of Jesus addressed to you: “Neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again.” And now give thanks to God that you are free of the burden of condemnation.

–Rueben P. Job in A Guide to Prayer for All Who Seek God

A good reminder for those of us who tend to carry guilt and condemnation from various places – both internal and external – that we are not condemned in Christ Jesus. Remember that as you start a new Monday morning today.

Monday Music: Find You On My Knees

Life is hard. Life isn’t fair. And sometimes the weight of the world (our world) seems pretty heavy on our shoulders. At least that is true for me.

One day last week a friend and I were talking about this and she had me listen to this song. I sat at my desk and listened with tears streaming down my face. Sometimes, a song can better express how you feel than you can even begin to put into words. Things like “When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong, when the pain is real, when it’s hard to heal, when my faith is shaken and my heart is broken and my joy is stolen, God I know that You lift me up, You’ll never leave me searching” just speak to where I feel like I have been recently.

If you are struggling, listen to this and find encouragement today.

Kari Jobe
Find You On My Knees

Reality

Maybe it is just where I am right now, but I can’t stop listening to Kenny Chesney these days. Perhaps that means I need a vacation, which isn’t happening anytime soon. So I guess I’ll keep listening to Kenny, running my miles, doing my job, parenting my kids, coaching cheer leading, feeding my family, loving my husband and dreaming of the beach.

How do you keep going when reality is more than you can handle?

Going Public

There are some things that just get to me.

Like when people spell my name wrong after I just got done spelling it for them.

Or when I answer the phone, “Hello, this is Chrisy” and the person on the other end of the line says, “who is this?”

Or when my kids say they are “starving” and clearly they are not. I have tried to explain to them that they can say they are hungry, but they have plenty of food and they are nowhere near death due to a lack of food. Thus they are not starving.

Or when people use descriptors that are not accurate. For example, someone with a mild headache says they have a migraine. As someone who suffers from severe migraines on occasion, and who wouldn’t wish a migraine on anyone, it bothers me when people use that term, which then can get overused and dilute the plight of those who suffer from true migraines.

Another example of this is the lighthearted way that some people refer to various mental illnesses, particularly depression and even sometimes OCD. We have all heard people joking about having OCD as if it were some kind of gift for wanting to have things just a certain way. We have heard people say “I’m depressed,” in a matter-of-fact, due to the current circumstances I’m not very happy, kind of way. And this bothers me. When these terms get used in offhand remarks and less than serious ways, it can further demoralize those who truly do suffer from mental illness. And in most cases, those who are suffering aren’t going around telling everyone about their issues. They are likely trying to do just the opposite. Hide them. Lead everyone to believe that everything is ok. Attempt to hold up the image of having it all together. And I think the way people offhandedly refer to mental illness can sometimes be the reason why.

I read an article today from CNN and it really made me think about how those with mental illness tend to hide. And as someone who suffers from depression, I know that has been true for me as well. I didn’t want anyone to know for a very long time just how bad it was. But we can’t suffer alone. And we need to be keeping an eye out for those around us who may be suffering silently. Because they are probably not the ones talking about it.

Read the article and let me know what you think.

Perspective

Have you ever noticed that whether the glass is half full or half empty often simply depends on your perspective?

Here’s an example: I have had a headache for 5 solid days, 24 hours a day. It isn’t terrible enough to keep me down, but it is annoying, there all the time, and I can’t always stay focused on what I am doing. This would typically be something that would drive me crazy and eventually get me to the point that I would just quit. But I have a friend who has been battling a severe headache, as in curled up in a fetal position either in her bed or a hospital bed, for six weeks now, with no light at the end of the tunnel. Makes my little headache not an issue at all. Instead, every time I am distracted by the pain in my head, I use it as an opportunity to pray for her.

Or what about this: as I drive to work (or home) it is so hot that the A/C in my van never gets cool. I could be annoyed, but when I think about all the people who have to work outside in this heat, or who do not have a cool place to stay, I have to instead be thankful that I have a cool home and a cool job.

We all have a way of looking at things in our lives. We all have a tendency to see through self-centered eyes at times. But we also all have the potential to look at our circumstances from a different perspective, if we so choose.

What expectations do we place on others, purposely or not, because we are only seeing things from our perspective? How are we affecting our relationships when we constantly want everyone else to see things from our perspective? Where could we grow if only we were willing to see things differently?

This is also true when we experience things in our lives that we don’t understand and begin to question God about it. He says in Isaiah 55:8-9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

God’s perspective is an eternal perspective, where our perspective is based on the here and now. He is looking at us as part of His creation and how He can use what happens to us, good and bad, (the bad not caused by God, but brought about by the fact that we live in a fallen world where the evil one is at work), for His glory.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I sometimes often get caught up in what’s going on in my life and frustrated by what I see. But that is only because I can’t see what God sees. The moment I begin to acknowledge that fact, my whole perspective (and subsequently, attitude) changes.

So, my challenge for you (and me) today is to begin viewing my life through God’s eyes, and realizing that His perspective much better than mine, even if I can’t see the whole picture.

What’s an area in which you need to change your perspective today?