Chrisy

What We Do is What We Teach

This is a post that was originally published on this blog back in 2012. I was getting ready to write today’s post when I remembered this post and thought that it said what I wanted to say, so thought I would re-vamp it a little and re-post it for today.

I have high expectations, both for myself and for everyone else, in many areas of life. Often I am bombarded with just how high my expectations are when it comes to respect and responsibility.

It may come as no surprise to those of you who know me that harmony (I want everyone to just get along!) and responsibility (someone has to take care of everyone else, right?) are two of my top strengths. And since I am almost constantly wanting to keep everyone happy and cared for, I am doing my best to make sure I respect others, particularly those in authority, and making sure that I do my part and follow through with my commitments.

But what has happened to me often is that I am not getting the respect that I am giving and/or other people just don’t do what they say they are going to do (or, let’s be honest, what I think they should be responsible to do). And when that happens, I feel hurt, angry, frustrated, sad, defeated, walked all over, and, well, you get the picture. And then I begin trying to analyze why people are the way they are. I have some theories. Here are the printable ones. 🙂

At some point our society as a whole stopped teaching our children the value of respect and obedience. Instead of requiring obedience first, we started explaining every little thing to our children about why they needed to obey before we require them to do so. For example, my dad taught me that my children needed to understand the word “stop” and obey immediately upon hearing that word. When I tell them to stop, they don’t need to know why at that very moment, they just need to stop. If they are running toward the road and a car is coming, they have to stop as soon as I tell them to or risk getting hit by a car. If I have to explain why they need to stop every time I tell them to, there will be a time when it will be too late and they will already have been hit by a car. That doesn’t mean that there shouldn’t be any explanation, but it does mean that their first response to a command or request from a person in authority should be immediate obedience. (The exception to this is obviously if they are being asked to do something illegal, harmful, or dangerous.) While it is good to ask questions and understand why we do things, there is an appropriate and respectful way to do so.
We are also failing our children in teaching them responsibility. So many parents do EVERYTHING for their kids. They aren’t made to clean their rooms, do their laundry, help with the household chores, keep track of their own homework, etc. The thing is, when we expect our kids to be responsible, they step up and learn responsibility. But when we do everything for them and never let them fail, they learn that someone else will always be taking responsibility for them, so they don’t have to be responsible.
Then there’s the entitlement issue. The problem with raising children to be individuals instead of part of a community is everyone is looking out for number one, which means they are only going to be responsible for what they want for themselves and are going to demand respect for themselves without giving it to anyone else. When you live life looking out for your own best interest, and feeling like you are entitled to whatever it is you want, respect and responsibility for others never enters the picture.

I think that these issues play into all areas of our lives: our parenting, our relationships, our friendships, our work, our churches, our politics, and so much more.

When I am leading a group of kids and they won’t stop talking, it’s some lack of respect and some kids being kids. But when I am leading adults and they won’t stop talking (texting, checking their phones, Facebook, etc.), it is lack of respect. Period. And where do kids learn what they learn? From adults.

When kids forget to turn something in or show up to something they said they were going to show up to, it’s some irresponsibility and some kids being kids. When adults don’t do what they have committed to, it is lack of respect AND irresponsibility. Period. And where do kids learn what they learn? From adults.

Yes, there are extenuating circumstances sometimes. But communication about those circumstances shows respect and responsibility. Just not following through doesn’t show either.

At one point I made this post on Facebook, after another incident showing lack of respect and responsibility:

“Two words no parent should ever let their child use: I quit. If you make a commitment, you stick to it and see it through to the end. And kids need to be taught that. And I’m afraid some parents do, too. My dad always taught me to be true to my word, which means finishing even if I don’t want to, if it is hard, or if it is inconvenient. And it means that I can be counted on to be truthful in what I say and do. If you are a parent, please teach this to your children! And whether or not you have children, make this true for yourself as well!”

I had quite a few people “like” this status. And that is great. But my challenge for you today is to do more than “like” this post. It is all well and good to agree. It is better if you make sure that you are treating others with respect and taking responsibility where you need to be. And that starts with our kids. And our relationships. And our friendships. And our work. And our churches. And our politics.

Be respectful. Be responsible.

Teach respect. Teach responsibility.

I think our world will be a better place when we all do this.

What do you think?

Being the Bad Guy

Somewhere along the way, it has become commonplace for parents to want to be a friend to their children, rather than a parent. They want their kids to like them, so they let the children do whatever they want, whenever they want. Parents buy their children anything they want, regardless of price or level of appropriateness.

This is not the way it should be.

Parents have been given the very important job of raising their children to be the people who God created them to be. And God didn’t create any of us to be selfish, entitled, spoiled brats.

One of the most important words I have learned as a parent is no. My kids do not need every little thing their hearts desire. They do not need to be doing activities that are not age-appropriate just because their friends are. They do not need me to coddle them so that I can be liked by them. What they do need is my wisdom and guidance to help them navigate this thing called life and sometimes that means I have to say no.

No, you can’t go see that movie that is rated PG-13 and all your friends are going to see because I have read that book and know that there are some things you don’t need to be exposed to.

No, I will not go home and let you wander around the square after dark with your friends, even if there is a public event happening there.

No, you can’t play outside with your friend today because you haven’t finished the job that you were given to do.

Saying no is a good thing when it comes to teaching and training our children.

But we have to make sure that we have a good reason to say no. I have tried to be very intentional about when I say no. Sometimes it is easier to say no than yes just because we don’t want to deal with the yes and all the implications that go along with it, not because there is something inherently wrong with what the kids are asking to do.

Sometimes, being a parent means being seen as the bad guy in the eyes of your children. But the reality is, you are really the good guy as you are taking an active role in teaching and training them. You may not always be liked, but you will be loved and appreciated, especially when they become adults and parents, and when they see that you are always working toward their best interest.

Mom’s Words of Wisdom: Parenting Your Adult Children

Today’s post is brought to you by my very own mother! She has some insight for us about parenting our children when they become adults. Thanks, mom, for your willingness to share your thoughts with us!

Parenting. That word holds a lot of responsibility not just for young adults having children, but for everyone who has ever had children. As a senior citizen, I still have a responsibility to parent my adult children and be an example for my grandchildren.

My husband and I did our very best to raise our three daughters to become independent and productive in society as adults. We endeavored to provide a Godly environment and spiritual foundation, but they all knew they had to make their own decision to serve the Lord. There were a few bumps in the road as they were spreading their wings, but I am so grateful and thankful they all made the decision to serve the Lord and are very involved in the things of God.

Here are some suggestions for making the transition from parenting children to parenting adult children:

Love your adult children unconditionally.
Build an ADULT relationship with them. Treat them as you would any other adult you were interacting with.
MYOB. Mind your own business. They don’t need to hear you tell them the way YOU would do something.
IF they ASK–offer your best counsel, but don’t be offended if they choose not to take it.
Don’t HOVER–Let them live their own lives.
ENJOY any times you get to be together. You never know if it will be the last.
And, finally, Pray, Pray, Pray. EVERY DAY!!!

I have learned some of these thing by the way my parents parented me as an adult. My mother was the hovering kind….3-4 calls daily…being told I needed to lose weight… not sharing our joy when we found out we were expecting for the third time in 4 years…wanting to follow us to a new town when we moved 30 miles away for my husband’s employment…etc. I was a very frustrated adult being parented by my mother. I vowed I would not be that kind of parent to my children when they grew up. I have endeavored to follow the 7 steps I presented. I hope I have done my very best for them. I loved my mother, but was often frustrated, but that too changed the day she died in a tragic fall. That was 30 years ago and I still miss her.

CELEBRATE!

Today my son, my baby, my second and last-born, my unexpected blessing from the Lord, turns 11. For 11 years now, our lives have been in a constant state of learning what it means to live with this boy! There have been lots of laughs. There have been tears. There have been stitches, bumps, bruises, knee infections and so much more. There have been hugs and kisses and snuggles galore.

We don’t do friend birthday parties every year. I am not that mom that has a plethora of ideas and energy to have half-a-dozen boys running amok in my house every year. And the blessing is, my children know this and are fine with it. This year, Ty wanted to have one friend over for a few hours. That was the PERFECT solution for me as this week has been insane. We met my parents for dinner out and then came back home for cake and ice cream.

It is easy to celebrate our children on their birthdays. We tend to make a big deal of them as we sing to them, make or buy them a special meal, and feed them cake and ice cream to their heart’s content.

But what about the other 364 days of the year? Are we celebrating the little things in their lives, too?

When was the last time you celebrated when your child actually got their room clean – almost to mommy standards?

Or how about when they brought that C up to a B+ in the subject they struggle in?

Have you ever celebrated with your child when they did the right thing and befriended the new kid in school that was feeling left out?

Or jumped for joy with them when they overcame a major fear and rode that roller coaster?

There are little accomplishments our children make every day, and while we don’t need to go overboard and make a big deal about every little thing, it is important that our children know that we are paying attention to their lives and want to encourage and celebrate with them when they accomplish something that is important to them, to us, and to God. It doesn’t take much. A high-five. A woo-hoo. A trip to Dairy Queen. A special privilege.

Keep your eyes open, and make reasons to celebrate your children daily!

Put it Down

Electronics. Tablets. iPods. Computers. Gaming systems. Handheld devices. Phones.

They are EVERYWHERE!

I love technology! I don’t know what I would do without my iPhone, my iPad, my iPod, and my MacBook Air. I think the world might end if I didn’t have a DVR, Netflix and Hulu. My husband would not know what to do without DirecTV and all the sports/fishing/hunting shows he likes to watch. Jumping on the trampoline is so much more fun when you can take the tablet outside and listen to music, according to Anne. And Ty, well, one word, Minecraft.

I hate electronics. I know, I just said I love technology, and I do, I just hate what it is doing to the family and to parenting.

Somewhere along the way, television became a babysitter for many people, and now all our mobile devices, gaming systems, and the like have taken over.

What happened to sitting around a table and playing a board game or card game together?

What happened to sitting on the porch talking to one another?

These days, kids have their heads buried in whatever device or game is currently the “it” thing, and parents are no better.

And the sad thing is, we are seeing the fruits of it everywhere we go. Just look around you the next time you are in a public place. What percentage of people are carrying on conversations with the people around them and what percentage are looking at (or distracted from their conversation by) a screen of some kind?

Technology and electronic devices are not bad. But when they are used in excess and in place of human interaction, they hinder the development of the family.

Children need their parents, not a screen. They need to see mom and dad’s eyes, not the tops of their heads.

Our family is as guilty of this as the next.

The problem is it is easy for me to pick up the iPad and check on Facebook. It is easy for my kids to grab the tablet to check on whatever game they are currently playing. It is easy for Mike to pick up the remote and have the television on all evening.

But in order for us to operate as a family, we can’t all hole up with our respective devices and be completely isolated while sitting in the same room.

So we have to set boundaries. In our house, the kids are not allowed to use any electronic devices (exception: Anne’s “dumb” phone when she is away from us, or television when we are watching as a family) from bedtime Sunday night through after school on Friday. And this is true even in the summer. No weekday electronic use. And on the weekends it is limited. An hour-and-a-half maximum per day. Now, there are sometimes when we get lax on the weekends – particularly if it is nasty weather outside, but that is the exception rather than the rule.

There are lots of reasons that we have gone this direction. First of all, we have seen what happens to children with an addiction to gaming and electronics – they grow up to be adults addicted to gaming and electronics. In addition, it is so important for kids to be able to go outside and play, or find ways to be creative inside. But probably the most important reason is that when the kids aren’t distracted with electronics they are present and interacting with us, which means they are talking to us. And with a teen and pre-teen, talking is crucial for us to know what is happening in their lives.

So these things are all good, and it works for us. But, in addition, Mike and I need to work on not picking up the tablet/iPhone/iPad when the kids are around so that we are available to listen to what they are talking about. I know this is an area of weakness for us, but that is no excuse.

Parents, I think it is time for us to put it down, look up and see that our kids are growing up way too fast, and they shouldn’t have to do it on their own while we are distracted by the device in our hands. And when they see us putting it down, they are more likely to follow our lead and put it down as well.

What are the rules about electronic use in your house? Does it work well for you? Why or why not?

Parenting and Prayer – They Go Together

I learned pretty quickly into this parenting thing that I can’t do it.

I like order. I like plans. I like things to turn out the way I want them to turn out. That means that I want my children to be perfect and do exactly what I want them to do, when I want them to do it. I expect them to breeze through school and life and faith because I am the perfect mom and am doing everything right. Right?

Oh, how naive I was when beginning this parenting thing!

Guess what? These little people have this thing called “free will” and they exert it. Strongly. At all times. And their will often does not line up with my will for them. It is in those moments that I want to beat my head (or their’s) up against the wall.

So, if I can’t do this parenting thing, that must mean that there is help, right? Absolutely! God, the giver of these little lives into our hands, is right there, ready and willing to help us bring them up in the way they should go. He has told us that if we lack wisdom, we should ask. That is why prayer is the most necessary part of parenting. We can ask for AND RECEIVE the wisdom that we need to raise these children. But often, we don’t have any idea where to begin when praying for our kids.

When my kids were young, I found a book called The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian (link below). This short and easy to use guide-book to praying for my children has been an amazing resource for me over the years. I even have a friend who typed out all the prayers and inserted my children’s names into them, so I could have a neat little notebook of pre-printed prayers to use. These 30 prayers have been prayed over my children multiple times in their lives. Do I use them every day? No. But I do pull them out when I can, and work through them, sometimes as a part of my devotional time of an evening. These prayers cover a myriad of topics that we don’t always think about praying for our children.

As much as I would like to have concentrated time every single day to go through those prayers, I have two kids and a life, so often my prayers instead are short bursts throughout the day as I think of my kids and specific things they are going through. Right now things like an infection in Ty’s tongue, Ty’s struggles with talking too much in class, and Anne’s fears about re-breaking her thumb when she gets cleared for sports without having to wear her brace, are at the forefront in my daily prayers for my kids. These prayers are often just quick shots to the Lord as I think of them throughout the day.

In addition, I am also participating in 21-Days of Prayer for Boys (see MOB society link below) during the month of October. Ty turns 11 in just a few days, so what a wonderful birthday gift to him for me to participate in an intentional month of praying for him, as a boy. I don’t really know how to parent a boy. I was the oldest of three girls and had three nieces and a daughter before Ty was the first boy to join our immediate and extended family. Boys are different from girls. No, boys are WAY different from girls. Remember this nursery rhyme?

Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails,
That’s what little boys are made of.
Sugar and spice and all things nice,
That’s what little girls are made of.

I think they left out running (never walking), jumping (onto and off of everything), dirt, grime, sticky, unending energy, messy, hard-headed, strong-willed, and bottomless pits to the boys’ section!

I wasn’t prepared for such a difference between boys and girls, and so Ty often gets those cry out to God prayers of, “Help me, Lord, to know how to parent this boy!” That is why this 21-Days of Prayer for Boys is going to be so good for me! I get to hear from other moms of boys and know that we are all praying together for our sons for the specific areas for which boys need prayer.

There are many resources we have to go to when we don’t quite know how to pray for our children, which is good, because we can’t do this parenting thing without it. Prayer is what gets to the heart of the matter. Prayer is what gives us strength in our moments of weakness as parents. Prayer is our front line of defense for our children.

How are you praying for your children today? Let’s share some prayer requests in the comments so that we can also pray with one another for our kids!

Resources on praying for your children:

Parenting Lessons Learned – 31 Days

Today, October 1, 2014, begins a 31-Day Blogging Challenge for me and bloggers everywhere. For me, that means 31 days of sharing things I have learned (and am still learning) on the sometimes bumpy path of parenting two children.

Scroll Down to read Day 1.

Click to read the other days, I’ll be adding a link to each day once it goes live.

Day 2: Parenting and Prayer – They Go Together

Day 3: Put It Down

Day 4: CELEBRATE

Day 5: Mom’s Words of Wisdom: Parenting Your Adult Children

Day 6: Being the Bad Guy

Day 7: What We Do is What We Teach

Day 8: Someone to Call Daddy

Day 9: I Suck: Epic Fails in Parenting

Day 10: Kids, Food, and Fitness

Day 11: The Best Gift

Day 12: Faith and Family

Day 13: Money Matters

Day 14: Serving with Kids

Day 15: Things I Love About Being A Mom

Day 16: In Common

Day 17: Beautiful

Day 18: Always Open

Day 19: Dreaming About the Future

Day 20: Born to Fly

Day 21: Spare the Rod

Day 22: Giving Grace

Day 23: The Best Advice

Day 24: It Takes A Village

Day 25: Pass It On

Day 26: Take Them By the Hand

Day 27: Sweet Dreams

Day 28: Encourage Independence

Day 29: The Birds and The Bees

Day 30: Inspiration

Day 31: Forever

So, let’s begin at the beginning. How did I get here?

From a young age I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mother, so once I became a wife, it was only natural that the next step would be mother.

Easier said than done.

When Mike and I decided it was time to start a family, my body wasn’t convinced.

After a couple of years full of tests, pills and tears, we decided maybe it wasn’t meant to be, so we quit trying. (Read: I got fed up with the up and down of every month and being angry with God, so I decided I was done.)

Lo, and behold, in just a matter of weeks we discovered I was pregnant, and in January 2001, we welcomed sweet Anne into our lives.

And we were content with that. We weren’t going to go through the heartache of trying to have another child and God had blessed us with this one, so we were good.

God sure has a funny way of making us see just how much we are NOT in control of our lives, doesn’t he?

In January 2003, we once again found that I was expecting. It was not quite the same joyful experience this time. I had to come to terms with now having a second child that I hadn’t anticipated. And this pregnancy was way different and more difficult.

But come October 2003, Ty, the 10 pound 1 ounce, 23-1/2 inch long infant-in-a-toddler-sized-body, joined our family. And life has never been the same. In an amazingly good way.

Parenting these two has been eye-opening to say the least. I remember watching parents (before I was one) and making judgment calls about how they should or shouldn’t be handling certain situations. I remember having these ideals about how I would parent. I now know that ideals are good, but reality sometimes plays out differently, and you have to be willing to adjust on the fly.

Throughout the last 13+ years, I have learned many things about parenting, about myself, about my children, and about my God and the ways he uses these children to teach me, almost as much as he uses me to teach these children. The influence of God, my parents, and my friends, has played into the way I approach parenting. There are books I have read and resources I have used to learn more. And there is always the trial and error of the day-in and day-out challenges that teach me that no two children are the same and they require me to adjust how I relate to them.

Over the next 30 days, I am going to share some of my joys, struggles, hopes and fears with you. I will share lessons I have learned the easy way, and the hard way. I will talk about the role prayer plays in parenting, as well as the importance of being who you are and playing to those strengths. I don’t have all the answers (not even close), and I want to hear from you, as well.

Will you join me on the journey?

You can check out other 31-Days Bloggers here.

Getting to the Heart of the Matter

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I have never watched The Biggest Loser before. I know, people have told me that it is good, and inspiring, and yadda, yadda, yadda, but I didn’t need one more show to watch.

But this year a classmate of mine from college, Sonya Jones, is on the show, so of course I want to watch her succeed and I have now watched the first two episodes of the season.

You all know that I have been on a health and fitness journey for quite some time (and I plan for it to continue for the rest of my life), so it always inspires me to watch other people “get it.”

Last night’s episode of The Biggest Loser showed the contestants the importance of owning what it is in their lives that got them to this point, and the fact that until they deal with those underlying issues, they will not have success in losing the weight AND keeping it off.

I think we all know this on a surface level, but how often do we actually do the work to deal with those deep-seated issues that have kept us complacent for too long?

I went to bed thinking about this and thinking about all the things that have to come together to make the difference between temporary change and lasting commitment.

Just like to be truly fit and healthy you can’t focus on only diet OR exercise, you also can’t expect diet and exercise to magically make the underlying issues for being unhealthy to disappear. Whether it is seeing food as a reward rather than sustenance, or a traumatic event that hasn’t been fully death with, or baggage from your family of origin, or something else altogether, the underlying issues must be unearthed and dealt with if there is to be any lasting change.

I know for me, I have had to specifically remind myself (often) that I cannot allow food to be a “treat” or something I “deserve” when I accomplish something, because that works against my health. In addition, I have to work on not perpetuating this “reward” way of thinking in my family since one of the ways I tend to show love is to cook or bake special things for them.

And as with anything, there probably is not only one underlying cause for what has happened to get you to where you are right now, so unearthing the issues could take some time, and possibly even some time with a therapist. And that is okay. In fact, it is better than okay. It is good when you get to a point that you know you need to seek out help from someone else.

Now is the time to stop making excuses and start making progress toward a goal. It could be a health and fitness goal, but it could also be something completely different. No matter what it is, figure out what has been holding you back and deal with it so you can move on – forever.

___________

If health and fitness is your goal, I would love to help you achieve it. Message me for more information about your health and fitness options. The time to start is NOW!

What It’s Not

It’s not music, but it is something to listen to this morning.

When we come to prayer, just like when we come to any other activity, there are certain dos and don’ts. Prayer is not about our agenda, but about God’s will for His Kingdom work. Prayer is not about getting our way, but acknowledging God’s way. Prayer is not just one more thing to add to the list of things to do, but something that is imperative for us as we live our lives for Christ.

Here is my sermon from yesterday, in which I expound on these ideas. Take a listen. Let me know your thoughts!

Unreasonable Expectations

We have created a culture in which women, starting as young girls, are increasingly being told to conform to a standard that society has set.

Be thinner.

Be prettier.

Dress this way.

Eat this way.

Act this way.

Deny who you want to be so you look and act like everyone else.

This is perpetuated through our music, our media, and even the archaic ways of thinking that were prevalent in patriarchal societies of old and still penetrate our thinking today.

When something comes along that encourages girls to break away from these unreasonable (and frankly, wrong) expectations, I love it.

The first time I heard this song, I fell in love with the lyrics. So many country (rock, R&B, hip-hop – ok – music in general) songs objectify women and don’t give them a voice. They are a pretty face to be paraded around on the hunky guy’s arm. A pretty trinket to show off to the other guys driving around in their trucks. A conquest to be won and led off to the bedroom.

So, when I hear women giving voice to these concerns in a way that may just grab a young girl’s attention and help her to see that she is not required to conform to the standards that society is putting forth for her, I jump up and yell a hearty, “AMEN!”

Take a listen, share it with some girls around you, and let’s start setting a new standard of growing into the women that God created us to be, nothing more, nothing less!

Girl In A Country Song
Maddie & Tae

Well I wish I had some shoes on my two bare feet
And it’s gettin’ kinda cold in these painted on cut off jeans
I hate the way this bikini top chafes
Do I really have to wear it all day? (Yeah baby)

I hear you over there on your tailgate whistlin’ [*whistle*]
Sayin’, “Hey girl”
But you know I ain’t listenin’
Cause I got a name
And to you it ain’t “pretty little thing”, “honey” or “baby”
Yeah it’s drivin’ me red-red-red-red-red-red-red neck crazy

[Chorus:]
Bein’ the girl in a country song
How in the world did it go so wrong?
Like all we’re good for
Is looking good for you and your friends on the weekend
Nothing more
We used to get a little respect
Now we’re lucky if we even get
To climb up in your truck, keep my mouth shut and ride along
And be the girl in a country song

Well shakin’ my moneymaker ain’t ever made me a dime
And there ain’t no sugar for you in this shaker of mine
Tell me one more time, “you gotta get you some of that”
Sure I’ll slide on over, but you’re gonna get slapped (Hah!)
These days it ain’t easy being that

[Chorus:]
Girl in a country song
How in the world did it go so wrong?
Like all we’re good for
Is looking good for you and your friends on the weekend
Nothing more
We used to get a little respect
Now we’re lucky if we even get
To climb up in your truck, keep my mouth shut and ride along
And be the girl in a country song (Yeah, yeah baby)

Aww no, Conway and George Strait
Never did it this way
Back in the old days
Aww y’all, we ain’t a cliché
That ain’t no way
To treat a lady

[Chorus:]
Like a girl in a country song
How in the world did it go so wrong?
Like all we’re good for
Is looking good for you and your friends on the weekend
Nothing more
We used to get a little respect
Now we’re lucky if we even get
To climb up in your truck, keep my mouth shut and ride along
Down some old dirt road we don’t even wanna be on
And be the girl in a country song

(“Yeah baby, I ain’t your tan legged Juliet. Can I put on some real clothes now?”)

Aww, no

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